A Tale of Two Buyers

I'm frustrated. Upset. Fed up. And having to remember that God is God, and answerable to no-one but Himself. He does not have to tell me why things are happening the way they are happening, He does not have to explain Himself to me. He is who He is.

The house is now going through the motions with a second potential buyer. And, as with the first potential buyer, this second one is being just as difficult. The first buyer kept putting us off not providing proof of funds, and eventually we gave him an ultimatum to provide or we go with someone else who we had waiting in the wings, so to speak.

Enter Buyer#2. Says that he can complete within a week, especially as most of the paperwork has already been done. Then he asks for a survey, even though he said initially that his offer wasn't subject to survey. Fair enough says we, do the survey if it makes you happy. Then he tries to ask for an extra £4.5k off the price - which has already been discounted by £15k from its original asking price. When we exclaim at his cheek, he says that he only wants £2.5k off, not £4.5k. Still, that's just rude. And procrastinating. And upsetting everybody else.

I wonder how this scene will end, and whether we have an Act 3 to look forward to.

Time for another blog...

I know it's time for another blog when my head feels so full of thoughts that it might explode and I want to tell everybody all of them, and just know that I'll wear people out. So hopefully, in writing, I can put some of them to rest and the others will fade away as I empty my head of all the spinning tops that are my thoughts at the moment.

We finally set up the attic as a little studio and (thanks to Rachel for her suggestion) I am as happy as a Christmas elf at the moment, singing my little heart out and tinkling the plastics of my little old keyboard. Steve's bringing the Genelecs home on Friday hopefully, and we'll have a sort-out and tidy up of the attic so that they can be installed and hooked up to the arrangement we have up there. I'm learning how to set up and pack down my own kit which is nice, the theory is that I can put all my midi boxes and microphones and cables away at night and set them up in the morning, and if I want to go somewhere else and record with somebody I have a briefcase and a laptop bag and I become a mobile recording studio!

I got drenched this morning just walking to the post office and then hand-delivering a CD to a friend down the road, the rain is the sort that just mists onto your clothes and in a matter of minutes makes you feel like you're wearing soggy newspapers on your legs as your jeans become wetter than when they come out of the washing machine. Glad I walked though. I started training on Tuesday for a 10k run next summer, and my legs have been so sore. I've been struggling getting up and down the stairs (and they're not easy at the best of times) so I think the walk this morning has done them some good. I'll be back at the gym tomorrow.

And finally I put our Christmas tree up this week! I tidied up the front room and put all the boxes of filing away that had been there for two weeks, and decided that if I didn't put the tree up, the space would not last until Christmas. So it doesn't have any decorations on it (apart from an angel at the top - I couldn't resist) but I'm hoping that Steve will acquiesce on Saturday. He's of the opinion that trees and decorations don't need to be put up until the week before Christmas at the earliest - but I'm working on him, slowly, year by year. I did manage to put up and decorate a mini-tree in our bedroom/office, and suddenly my desk looks like it actually is an office. You know, with the twee decorations and the desperate nod to Christmas time that happens in offices all over the world at this time of year. I'm beginning to think that the vase of artificial daffodils and tulips really ought to be put away now though.

There. There are the main thoughts that were spinning around giddily, now maybe I'll be able to get on with the day!

Frustrated

I can't remember the last time I felt really really angry, and needed to sit very quietly for a few minutes to calm down. I think the frustration builds up over the course of several encounters with whoever or whatever it is that winds me up. Today, it is the incompetence of BT. Got a bill through, with our surname spelt ENTHWHISTLE. I've spent the last 3 months trying to get them to change it. I've spent the last 3 months being told that yes, it's been changed now. AARGH. And, just to make it slightly harder for me to remain civil, the number that the back of the bill says to phone if you have a complaint (or for any other reason) was not the right one. Oh no, you've got a "GB" account, they've been set up on the new computer system. (Alarm bells. New computer system? Ah. That will be why we've had 3 months of incompetence. Nobody knows how to use it evidently.) You have to phone this other number (which, by the way, is nowhere to be found on the bill) because we can't access your account from the main system.

I'm beginning to think that we are guinea pigs. I am not impressed. I did not agree to take part in the trial of a new system. Perhaps if I had been told, I would have been slightly more patient, and slightly more insistent. It normally takes me 2 weeks to psyche myself up to phone BT because of the incompetence and difficulty that I have experienced EVERY SINGLE TIME I've had to phone them.

Staying on the subject of frustration, we're still waiting for the house sale to finalise. When we signed the agreement with the estate agents, they were so confident of a sale before Christmas. When everything slowed down they managed to get us to drop our asking price by £10k, and then got us to accept a very cheeky offer for a further £10k under that. The only reason we accepted that offer was because "it's a cash offer, you could complete in 2 weeks". Still waiting. Getting annoying, and a bit desperate, now. We can't afford to pay mortage, rent, car rental, bills, and live. Can't buy a car because nobody will lend us the money because we're high risk - new job, renting - so we're hiring one, so that we can get to and from Manchester to sort out the house and also because we are actually in the middle of nowhere. It's so FRUSTRATING just sitting here, knowing that soon we'll be able to pay off all the debts, buy a car that's hopefully not going to blow its head gasket within 2 months of buying it, get out of the rat-race for a little while and be able to start looking to the future. Soon. Not yet. Slowly sinking, again.

Stunned!

Ok. So we had Jeni goes Fat Free, and we had the one where I managed to hi-jack myself into going to the gym. You would've thought that this would be ever-so-slightly conducive to losing weight (not that that was the plan at all, because I would've been told off). So. I go to the hospital yesterday to see the diabetic specialist (who has sent me for expensive blood tests to see what type of diabetic I am exactly) and am measured and weighed, and I am stunned.

I have somehow managed, in the last couple of months, to PUT ON nearly three-quarters of a stone in weight, grow an inch and a half, and can actually get into my size 10 trousers again. (I've been in 12's for a few years now.)

WHAT IS GOING ON?!!

Sugar Frustrated

Steve's been on a first aid course this week, with the St Jonh's Ambulance, through work. The other day they briefly covered diabetics and what to do if they appear to be slipping into unconsciousness due to hyper- or hypo- glycaemia. The two are opposite ends of the scale although they look pretty similar to the average onlooker: cranky and drowsy generally. Same treatment - give them sugar (marmalade sandwich is good) and get them to hospital. The worst that could happen after this is they fall into coma. Omit the marmalade sandwich and it could be much worse.

Anyway. I was not well last night. I was hungry so I had a slice of toast, a bun, a small chocolate, and a J2O. Fabulous combination. Combined to make me feel generally shivery and sleepy and headachy. Steve made me do a blood test. (Oh yes and I'd forgotten to take my pill in the morning as well.) It came back 15.1 which is pretty high for me - at least I think it is - I don't test as often as I should - but I was ok again after dinner.

Then Steve made me promise to do 5 blood tests during the course of today. I hate doing the tests, I have to psyche myself up before every single prick of the needle. And it really is only a pin-prick and rarely hurts. I've done 4 so far and they have made me feel guilty every time I go towards the biscuit jar or even so much as LOOK at the J2O that I opened an hour and a half ago. It's miserable. It's necessary because I need to know what my blood sugar is like over the course of an average day, but it's so miserable - and not really accurate due to the amount of biscuits I'm NOT eating.

I like biscuits. They provide me with break options during the day, when I just can't bring myself to do the washing or the washing up just yet, when there's not enough time to start anything before I have to go out, when there's a cup of tea and the sudoku needing company. I don't know what to eat instead of biscuits. Crisps are full of fat and salt and therefore bad. Toast. There's an option. Except it has to have butter and marmalade on, and it's just too much effort to have when there's a biscuit alternative. And biscuits are getting nicer and nicer, have you noticed? They're all so nice...

And all the while, the phrase comes back to haunt me... "You're not hungry, you're BORED."

Cardboard Cut-Out

I'm confused by my predicament. I want to be honest in how I feel, but sometimes honesty is met by other people who seem to want to insist that you deny how you really feel. I feel cut out. A bit like a cardboard cut-out of a character, who can look at home in any one of a hundred different pieces of scenery, but who doesn't actually belong in any of them. That is how I feel this morning.

I don't think facebook is really helping with that - thing is, I can see all the people who I used to be connected with, and I can see them all interacting with all the other people that I used to be connected with, but I'm not in that. All these conversations that would otherwise be private are now open for all to see. Everybody in my contact list in facebook lives far far away from me, and so I feel almost legitimate in my use of the thing... although, I could send emails or texts or phone people or (gasp) write letters.

It just seems so superficial. I don't want to be a superficial person. I want to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you happy or sad, I want to get to know you. I want to keep in touch, to know where you're up to, to know how you're doing. I keep thinking about all these people who I never really got to know, despite knowing them for years, and am ashamed of my superficiality. Getting involved in a hundred different things shouldn't replace real relationships with people. It should aid relationship building, not replace it.

We went to our cell meeting again last night, and spent all evening fielding questions about who we were and where we're from and why we've moved to the South. Next week we'll start finding out more about the people who were asking all the questions... I don't want to be a cardboard cut-out here. I want to belong, to become part of the picture, to become interwoven into the life of my Family.

Words of Wisdom via Magnetic Letters

God just spoke to me through the magnetic letters I have on our fridge. Nothing huge, or lengthy, but pretty simple really. I'm constantly having to put the letters back into place, because the fridge, and therefore the letters, are in just the right place to be leant on while I'm making breakfast or a cup of tea or rock buns in this case. The words say "we trust in a faithful God" and nearly every day I have to put them back into position and God said to me just now that everyday I should be making sure that my faith is in the right place, aligning the bits that have got knocked out of the way, putting things in my life right again as soon as I notice they're knocked out of place.
I love our God.

First Night - Romans 8:28-31

We went to our first cell meeting last night with Jubilee. Met some characters. Met some family :) I felt so privileged to be part of God's family, that I can go anywhere and I will find members of that family. I felt at home.

The subject of the main discussion was Romans 8, 28-31. God works in all things for the good of those who love him, and God foreknew us, predestined us, called us, justified us, and will glorify us. Although it does say he glorified us, but the thinking is that Paul wrote it in the past tense because it was as good as if it had already happened, what with the previous four things having happened already.

We didn't get very far very quickly. First hurdle was "predestined" and various thoughts on that, and various interpretations of it. We discovered a very opinionated couple in the cell! Very lovely, but quite forceful in their ideas. Could be interesting. After that it was plain sailing apart from everything changed depending on your interpretation or views on predestination. Chosen vs choose?

My own conclusion is this. The Israelites were a chosen people, set apart for God. They lived under the Law, which as Paul pointed out was flawed and for which the people needed constant atonement through imperfect sacrifices. God gave the world his Son, who died as the perfect sacrifice to end all sacrifices. Grace came into the world, and the way to the Father and eternal life, through Jesus, was made available to all humanity, not just the Israelites. So God's chosen people now isn't a "race" of people as such. We are free (as God gave us free will right in the beginning) to choose whether or not we accept his call. The pull of the Gospel is inexorable as we are created with that God-shaped hole in our soul, but we are still free to choose. We choose, we are accepted, and we are adopted into God's family. God didn't want mindless robots. He has angels who constantly adore him and praise him, and if humans didn't then the rocks themselves would cry out in praise. He wants a people who of their own free will choose to be friends of God, and choose to submit to His will and authority.

The next major question we debated is, can you lose your salvation? We debated for some time on this one. But I kept thinking, and my opinion is that you don't "lose" salvation, you don't suddenly realise that you've misplaced it somewhere. It's more like you throw it away. If you have been saved, and you then turn your back on God, are you suddenly "un-saved"? I think that if you died when your back is turned towards God, you might have a hard time persuading the saints to let you into heaven. If you've been saved but then you've turned away from God and are far away, but then you turn back, no matter how far away you are God comes towards you with open arms - he's been waiting all this time to welcome you home.

My point is that if you turn away from God, I think God would honour the choice you made. I just don't think He would exercise his power and authority if you died to say well, I saved you, you made a commitment 15 years ago, and yes you've had your back towards me for the past 10 years, but hey I'm still taking you to heaven whether that's what you want or not. I just don't think God's like that. I think if you turned back to God on your deathbed he would welcome you with open arms. But if your back is still towards him, you've made your decision also. I think God would be - inconsolable comes to mind.

Downhill all the way...?

Some years ago my grandma started to lose her mind. It started with little things. Mum would do her shopping, and grandma would always ask for the same things. Mum got a little suspicious, thinking that grandma was eating a lot of cereal every week, and discovered boxes and boxes of unopened cereal. And all sorts of things turning green in the fridge. It got worse, as it generally does. There was the forgetting how to use the kettle and using a pan on the hob instead, there was the forgetting to turn the grill off. There was the stuffing and hiding of biscuits into her handbag, and losing keys because she'd taken them out and put them back somewhere else. Now grandma is in a home and mum says that every time she visits she doesn't know how the visit is going to end. It all depends on how frightened grandma gets that she can't remember things. It must be awful, knowing that you can't remember things. Not being able to remember where you live, or why you don't live at home anymore.

Sometimes I do silly things and it brings grandma back to mind. Like locking myself out of the house, or going to the wrong shop. Today it was eggs. I always need eggs. So I bought some more and now I've just had to rearrange the cupboard to fit the box in next to the other 2 boxes of eggs I already have. I forget what I'm doing, or why I'm doing something, and am so easily distracted that I leave half-finished tasks all over the place. I occasionally remember to drink the cup of tea that I've spent most of the morning trying to make (filter water, boil water, add water to teapot, remember teabag, brew, pour, milk, drink. So many places for distraction to leave the job half done...).

I hope it gets better before it gets worse.

Getting Fit

I sent off some updated profiles for inclusion on the CityLinks website the other day. And then I got an email back saying "Is the title of your album Getting Fit?" I was rather surprised.... No, it's just called Jeni. Getting Fit sounds like a useful album title to keep hold of though.

On other Getting Fit news, I went to the gym yesterday for my induction (first Appointment with a trainer) and was measured and weighed and questions filled in and forms answered and set on the rowing machine. "Have you been out rowing actually on water?" Yes, I had - and I loved it, and miss the lake in Iisalmi. Apparently you can tell if somebody's been on the water because they have good technique on the machine :) AND apparently they go rowing down the river so I might have to investigate that, I enjoyed rowing. How pleased was I! Anyway I had a good time: I have a very cute trainer, I'm fitter than I thought although my legs don't have much muscle in them, and I'm going again this morning for the fabulous BodyPump class.

Steve on the other hand.... he did the truffle shuffle last night (anyone remember that?) and got very despondent about the state of his belly. Good news is that he's doing rugby training so it will be a yummy washboard by Christmas.

Information Overload vs New Friend

I've had a good week. Last Wednesday Steve's aunt came to visit for a few days, and we spent a good amount of time walking around Steyning. She also, when I was occupied with housework and accounts, went round most of the village "just picking up" information that we might find useful. I have to admit it was a sweet thought, especially as the full amount of free time that I've spent just wandering around amounts up to a single morning when the car died. But I felt inundated with information about the local Anglican church, the Steyning Centre (where there are numerous mums and tots groups, a choir, various societies including photographic and art and flower arranging and much more) and it didn't stop there. I know she didn't mean to, but I did feel very much as if I was being organised and arranged and my social life sorted out for me. I've had heart-to-hearts with Steve about this, he used to do this with me too - organise my social life for me, and make it very difficult (without meaning to) for me to say no to something.

Yesterday I went to see Gina, a white Zimbabwean lady. I met her and her husband at Jubilee and while at first Steve and I thought we really had nothing in common apart from we both lived in Steyning, I had a really wonderful time yesterday afternoon drinking tea and chatting about all sorts of things. Turns out she's a very creative lady, and also musical and had written songs in the past....... and they have a keyboard which I'm welcome to go and play (in return for a little bit of tutoring in playing piano!) and we're going to go walking together a couple of times a week. And maybe she'll overcome her fear of gym classes and come with me one time! She works at the grammar school and during conversation I said I'd been working at a grammer school, in the reprographics department - and discover that they're looking for a part time reprographics assistant! I could do that!!! Part time suits me absolutely fine, I guess I just need to get out of the house a little. And the grammar school is also an adult education centre and they do loads of classes including pottery! And plenty of art or craft classes.

It was wonderful because all this information came from somebody who was enthusiastic about it and did it herself and wasn't just trying to fix me up with something to do. Oh dear, I feel like I'm bashing Steve's aunt a bit.... I'm not, and I love her to bits, but I just think she can't help herself!!

We can't go to Gina's cell group because they meet on a thursday (Steve does rugby training on a Thursday and I go to the pub with them afterwards) but maybe that's a good thing. It means I get to meet more people! Must remember to call the church office this morning and talk to someone about cell groups......

Diabulimia

I've just been reading a piece in the Times about "diabulimia", where a Type 1 diabetic (usually a young, female one) deliberately skips insulin injections to lose weight quickly, ignoring the long-term consequences (or being ignorant of them) of blindness, kidney failure and various other nasties. The girl who was interviewed for the piece is amazing. She's been there, done that, and amazingly she's not done much long term damage other than giving her body a battering.

But it's what she said about diabetes that I really understood. It's annoying having to tell people that you're diabetic - that's usually the only way that they'll remember not to put sugar in your tea, or get you a diet coke instead of regular. It's annoying because once you tell people they assume you won't want a biscuit or a slice of cake, and offer you sugar free rubbish which is probably worse for you anyway due to all the sweeteners in it. I'm lucky because I've lived with a diabetic dad so it's not a stigma for me as such, but I do wish people would treat me normally - but with a sugar-free (and alcohol free) drinks option as the norm. (And not just water.)

I'm still fed up about the whole cholesterol thing. Steve likes his butter and his full cream milk. We went out for fish and chips last night even though I didn't fancy it (nothing at all to do with the cholesterol of course) and I didn't enjoy them, I just felt guilty. I feel guilty at having milk in my tea instead of the soya stuff (which isn't that bad). I feel guilty enough if I forget to take my tablet in the morning, or if I forget to eat, but now it's getting ridiculous. I've conditioned myself to not feel guilty about eating a jaffa cake but I feel bad after eating a peperami stick.

I wish that I could just carry on eating what I think is a pretty balanced diet - I don't have takeaways every night, I don't drink much alcohol at all, I make our meals from scratch, I bake my own bread quite a lot, I make sure that all our meals have vegetables in them. I get myself to the gym every so often, I enjoy going for walks and I wish I could just not feel guilty about enjoying food and life. I'm sure guilt increases your cholesterol levels.

Genius. Fat-Free, but Genius nonetheless.

Keeta is responsible for this. And a couple of others. But mainly Keeta. Following on from reading her post on boredom and IQ I noticed someone had added the IQ Test application on Facebook so, out of boredom and as the rain was indeed hurling itself at my windows (although that really has very little to do with it) I decided to test my IQ. Not expecting much, reckoned I would be about average, I was a little surprised to get a result of 139 (completed in 10 minutes, 27 out of 30 correct). Borderline genius. (Genius is 140+.) Hmm, I wondered, was this facebook effort to be believed? So. Enter www.iqtest.com. The home of the original online IQ test. Hmm, I thought, maybe this will be more accurate.

141.

I am a Genius.

Jeni Goes Low-Fat.

Oh the shame of it - the doctor has ordered that I should not go for the full-fat, full-cream, options any more. I went in to get the results of my latest set of blood tests and the fasting bloods were 9.6 which is not good, and the cholesterol was 8. Not good. Worse than last time too. I'm still resisting statins - I think pride has something to do with that - but the doctor's thoughts were to get me on insulin for the diabetes rather than just because we want to start a family.

And the surgery is debating the whole "is she a MODY or just an unusual type 1" thing again. I've had at least 3 sets of medics debating this already and they've all come to the conclusion so far that I'm neither, I'm just odd. The nurse at the surgery here thinks I'm an unusual type 1, and the doctor has decided he doesn't know what to do with me so I'm being referred to a specialist.

Bah humbug. I guess some healings take a little while to prove.

Going to buy some soya milk tonight. If I've got to go for the low fat option I've got to be so careful. Most things in the shops go like this: Sugar free = high fat; Fat free = high sugar content. Food generally has to have one or the other to stop it tasting horrible. I wish there could be some nice properly balanced food which is neither high fat or high sugar, just normal amounts of both. However once I'm on insulin the theory is that I can go for the low fat option and not worry about the sugar content. The doctor went on a fair bit about the dangers of insulin - very real dangers and I suppose he's bound to talk about them - but it gets depressing when you hear the same thing again and again about you must be careful not to take too much or you'll end up in a hypo. And a new one that I heard - putting me onto insulin increases my fertility?!! That is a new one to me. I've not had that one before. That's not really why I'm going on to insulin, and I'd never even considered it before, and it's not something that I really needed to hear!! "Oh you're diabetic, oh that means your fertility will be affected." Gee, thanks, just what I needed to hear on top of my cholesterol is too high and my fasting sugars are higher than normal too. He didn't mention any of the dangerous situations that can arise during pregnancy if your blood sugar isn't under control, or the effect that uncontrolled blood sugar can have on your unborn child. No, it was "your fertility can be affected". I'm not that interested in my fertility - well I am, but you have to put these things into perspective against the possible effects that the diabetes could have on a baby.

Sigh. Life is life. And from tonight (when we go shopping), life is low-fat.

Panic Attacks and other things

Went to Manchester this weekend and the troops were marvellous. We have cleared the downstairs! (Well nearly, just a handful of odds and ends. Maybe one box worth.) Upstairs is doing well too, nearly empty as well. The only room left really to sort out is the attic and even that's doing well! And, amazingly, I didn't get stressed. We sorted a couple of car loads out, took all my pots and planters to my parents' house, and took a carload back to Steyning. AND, most importantly, tidied up the house before we left. That causes stress, knowing that I've left the house in a mess.

Was just listening to Jeremy Vine today: one of the topics on his show today was panic attacks. I listened because it was quite interesting and then suddenly it was like a light switched on and I realised that I've been having panic attacks, it seems Steve's been aware of this for a while but I didn't think that they were actual panic attacks. I just sort of joked about them (in the way you do when you're in denial about something) and didn't think much about it. But hearing somebody else describe exactly what I do when I'm crippled with panic and fear just made me stop. I get minor panic attacks in shops or on busy streets or sometimes in church when there's lots of people around. I remember seeing a program years ago about what happens to your brain when you get older (much older, not twenties - think seventies or eighties) and you just lose the ability to process all the visual and audio information that's bombarding you whenever you leave the sanctuary of your home. I remember thinking then that I could identify with that already - I feel bombarded and bewildered and overwhelmed by noise and sights and sometimes I just can't cope. A good way for me to cope with that is to put my hood up and pretend it's not there but then you can't see all the people who are about to push past you on a busy shopping street or see what traffic's coming.

But I just remembered the Slopes of Doom which I laugh about nervously. I was so completely crippled with fear, crouching down, couldn't even bring myself to stand up - just so terrified that I was going to fall or slip or otherwise go crashing down this slippery slope in front of me. Poor Steve had to coax me like a - well, I was going to say child, but kids were running down the slope in front of me. Those attacks don't happen very often thank goodness, and the minor ones are happening less and less - I associate them with having low blood sugar and thus just not being able to process what's going on around me, rather than all-out panic attacks.

How strange. I wonder what causes these attacks, whether there is a real underlying fear? I remember feeling an attack coming on in Finland, Sanni was trying to get me to ski down this tiny tiny tiny little slope (and it was only cross-country skiing, not downhill) and my legs locked up and I felt like I was going to cry. I think I did cry the next time, when it was Steve who took me out. I seem to have issues with going downhill. One day I'll overcome them properly.

Progress and Results

Well I am not making good progress with flash - I can follow the tutorials no problem, but I've not taken it slow enough to understand what I'm doing. Next step is to do the tutorials again, slower, so that I can process what I'm doing...

In the land of Entwistle all is good though. On average. Steve went rugby training last night and came home complaining that he felt like the hunchback of notredame, as well as having bumps on his head and scratches all over. Stepped on a few players as well, mainly his own team - I think he's got a bit of practising to do! But he's ok this morning. I'm glad he's started training again, it won't be long before he's got no hint of a belly again. Sigh. It takes him less than 6 weeks to get back into shape if he's not done any training for a while, and it takes me far far longer than that usually. Well - let's see what bodypump twice a week does for me.

Got a letter from the docs last week saying they'd had the results of my latest set of blood tests and that they want to see me... I guess it's not major, as they'd have called me in pronto if I looked like I was about to die or something. But the appointment is for Monday coming. I can't remember the last time I was actually called in to see a doctor. Maybe it's because I'm a new patient and he just wants to say hello and go over a few things with me such as "you really need to cut down on the Jaffa cakes."

Never Stop Learning

I'm actually working today. Learning stuff. I do have other things I need to get done, but this is interesting. I'm learning about Flash - I downloaded a trial of a flash builder some years ago and never got round to learning how to work with it, and now a new version has been released and they're doing their best to get people interested enough to buy it. Well, I downloaded the trial last week (I think) and have finally got round to having a play. I have decided that if I can learn the basics enough to be competent at creating a simple interactive site within the trial period (or I get to the end and am infuriated that the trial has run out) then I might invest and buy the software.

About 2 weeks left on the trial.

And then maybe updating the purpledancer website won't be so difficult. Design it in Quark, make it work using flash. I wonder what the final code looks like for flash.

Things to do when bored.

My but today has been difficult. It rained all morning and I have felt thoroughly unmotivated. Despite this I have been to the shops, found the post sorting office, made dough for bread and pizza, and read the paper. And looked at the website for the Ice Hotel. And created my own selection of things to do and where to stay which includes staying for a night in an Ice Hotel room, and a warm room the following night, a 4 hour snowmobile search for the Northern Lights including a 3 course wilderness meal, and tuition in ice-driving in a Saab 9.3. Comes to about SEK 16500,- which is about £1200 for two nights and the activities and doesn't include getting there. But it sounds like fun...

Never underplay the role (or title) of a Housewife.

"And what do you do?"
"I'm, erm, well technically I'm a housewife....."
"A Domestic Engineer!"
The above conversation at church this morning led to the following exchange on the way home:
"Domestic Engineer. I like that. I think I'll keep that."
"You haven't got 'Eng' after your name, you can only be a Domestician."
"Sounds too much like Domestos for me."
"Domestic Technician?"
"House Trained. Yes."

Surprised!

I think it's incredible the way your body gangs up against you as if it thinks it actually has control.

Last night I felt like I was going down with a cold, I had a headache, earache, sneezes, tummy ache (that might have had something to do with how much lasagne I ate), and thought that my glands were up. This morning my shoulders have been really playing up and my hip was slipping as I walked to the leisure centre. My whole body seemed extremely reluctant to go and do this "body pump" thing. And then the mind kicked in, are you sure you want to do this? Nervousness. Scared. Wouldn't it be better if you got your shoulders sorted out first? What if you damage your shoulders more? What if...? What if...? And then I got to the gym and was really early and had to sit and wait, and the receptionist was busy looking and sounding very efficient, and I didn't know where I should go, and the technique session that I had been told was this morning only happens on Saturdays......

But. Do you know what, I've really enjoyed it. It was exactly what I was looking for, just what I needed, and I'm going again next week. And I can still walk!! Having a few issues getting down the stairs but hey, it's all part of the experience...

Bitten the Bullet

I just had to record this, for posterity. I have signed up for a class at the gym, of my own accord, with nobody pushing me into it or dragging me along. I am terrified.

Sunlight poured like molten gold...

Sunlight poured like molten gold across the sleeping landscape.

[Footnote: Not precisely, of course. Trees didn't burst into flame, people didn't suddenly become very rich and extremely dead, and the seas didn't flash into steam. A better simile, in fact, would be "not like molten gold."]

Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

This is the view from my window at eight this morning... watching the sunlight pour down the hill like syrup.

Incommunicado.

I feel quite antisocial at the moment.

I have been bored almost to tears by a bank manager who seemed to want to control every aspect of our lives, and spent three times as long as was necessary telling us that they weren't able to give us a loan for a car (turns out the car in question needs one of either me or Steve to have at least 2 years' no claims bonus before our current car insurance company will insure us on it. Handy when you've not owned a car for two years due to being abroad and broke). I have spoken to insurance brokers (at last I've finally sorted out contents insurance) and car dealers, and TV licensing to inform them that we don't have a TV (expect a visit just to confirm this) and BT to try and figure out what they did when we set up our account with them (complicated - bad advertising and miscommunication).

I have one phone call left to make and then that's it. I shall be incommunicado to the world for the rest of the evening.

Goodbye.

Boy Racer

We went looking at cars last night. It was interesting, to say the least. Steve and I discovered we like very different things. It could take a while (and several more test drives) to agree on which car to buy.

The question is: nice, sensible, small family car (an Octavia estate, 6 months old, 1.9TD) or a saucy, racy, Boy-Racer-Red hatchback (a Fabia RS, complete with sporty seats, couple of years old, 1.9TD)?

The Fabia is half the price of the Octavia. We will probably be needing an estate car in a few years' time, when we will hopefully have a young family. But do we need one now? Or should we invest in the estate car now, while we have House money? Or will that mean that I have lived my youth without ever having a nippy little hatchback?

As they have the same engine but are two very different cars it was interesting driving them both. The estate is nice and sensible, perfect for a young family, hard to come by (you buy one, you keep it until either it dies or your family gets too big for it or your kids leave home).

The hatchback is uncontrolled adrenaline. It goes like a rocket. Steve is torn. He likes the Boy-Racer-Red. Somewhere under all the estate cars in his head, there is a boy racer screaming to be let out for one last romp around the country lanes.

Newbies

After church yesterday Steve and I were talking about how different churches approach the area of new people just wandering in. Churches are so different, and have such wildly differing levels of preparedness!

When we wandered in off the street so to say into the pentecostal church in Iisalmi, we were blessed because Charles and Paula had only just come back to that church the previous week and they were pretty fluent in English. Everybody knew everybody so when two strangers walked in it was pretty obvious. Even though, they didn't know what to do with us newcomers! Charles and Paula welcomed us wonderfully but there was no programme in place in which to bring newcomers into the "fold".

In Littlehampton yesterday although the Holy Spirit was obviously with the Church there, and the Church was so evidently alive, we were pretty much left to ourselves afterwards. Rachel's family came and said hello, but either nobody else noticed that we were strangers (or we looked so at home) or nobody really knew what to say to newcomers, or everybody was so busy catching up with everybody else that they just didn't notice anybody standing by themselves. Maybe we should have made more of an effort.

It just made me think of Kings, and how they've hit on something there. They expect new people at the meetings and welcome them publicly, and people don't seem scared to talk to other people who aren't in their immediate circle of friends.

Having not been a church-newbie for a long time, it's quite scary walking into a room full of strangers. In times past this would have been my ideal situation - new place, new start, new identity, nobody talking to me or asking awkward questions - but I really want some place to belong to. I'm craving belongingness. We're going to go to Jubilee Church in Worthing next week. I so don't want to become a church-hopper but I so want to find the place that God wants us to be in. I want to be welcomed in, drawn into the fold, to feel wanted and loved and accepted, and find my place with God's people. Or, just KNOW that we are where God wants us to be.

New Toys

This feels like the first "proper" weekend we've spent here. It's actually the 4th though according to Steve. The first weekend Steve had a really bad cold, the second weekend Jamie was with us and we were all shattered from the late night van driving and early morning panic, last weekend was good with the airshow and going to church, but the car episode of the following two days kind of sacked that one off. So today to celebrate the first weekend of normality returning we've been shopping (clothes and cameras.) and been for the walk that we've been meaning to do since we moved to Steyning and found a leaflet about it. Took us an hour and a half, and Steve got to try out his new toy. He'll improve, I'm sure, once he gets used to it.

Tomorrow we're going to go to Littlehampton again, and if the weather's nice we'll go for that walk again, but hopefully this time in daylight. Next week is a full week here, and so hopefully by the time we have to make a trip up to Manchester I'll have recovered enough not to get ill at the thought of travelling. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and next week.

Earwigs and Emotional Episodes

Earwigs. Like or loathe? I don't like them personally. Never had a problem with them in Manchester, but I've lost count now of the number of earwigs I've had to evict over the last couple of weeks. This morning it was 3 (so far), they were hidden in the blinds so when I opened the blinds in the kitchen one fell out. I was ready for the next two and the vacuum cleaner was brought out.

Had a call from the estate agents yesterday. Now why couldn't they have told me this when I was still in Manchester, rather than waiting until we're calling off any travelling for at least another fortninght?? But they need proof of address (she didn't specify which address, woodhouse lane or charlton street?) and proof of ID. And there's no way I'm posting my passport to them. So they'll just have to wait until we're next in town. Anyway there's already been one viewing on the house, and another one scheduled for next week sometime. I'm still praying that the right person will buy it, preferably a Christian who will make friends with the neighbours and look after the garden!

I'm having fun with the hire car. I think it's alright to drive, Steve says it's like driving an arcade game (with reference to the steering) but I'm not fussed. It's nice just to be driving a new car. We've had a look at getting a car on a contract, but it's quite a lot more expensive than paying off a loan although we really didn't expect it to be THAT much more expensive. I guess I'm coming to the opinion that I really don't know what all the fuss is about owning your own car. It just means you've got another Thing exerting influence over your life (it needs constant feeding and maintaining) whereas with a contract car the servicing is sorted out for you, and you get a nice new car every couple of years. Ah well. Maybe one of these days. We're going to have a look at nearly new cars on Saturday. Had enough of old cars for a bit.

I went to see the family planning nurse yesterday. Wasn't really sure why I had to go and see her, I thought I'd just be getting weighed and measured etc etc and another repeat on my prescription for contraceptives. But no, because I have to go onto insulin in preparation for us wanting to start a family, the pill I'm on currently has to go. It has issues with insulin apparently. So we talked and I'm being put on a progesterone only pill (POP) because that doesn't have issues with insulin. So I start them tonight, and in a couple of months' time I will go to see my new doctor and we'll have a chat about how my emotional stability has been, and whether I think I can cope with these little things. Emotional stability has been the main thing that has affected which pill I've been on over the years, and Marvelon has been the best of a bad bunch I guess. I get easily emotional just before I'm due, rather than psychotic. Not bad really.

Watch this space.

What A Weekend. Stupid Car.

Oh the trauma!! What a weekend it's been.

The airshow, by the way, was incredible. Really sad with one of the pilots killed in a crash, but the show was stunning. I've only been to one airshow before and I must have been really young, all I remember of it is the blue ribbed jerseys that the RAF wore. I loved it! I never want to get so into cars or planes or bikes or trucks that I qualify as a geek, but I do love machines....

Just as we were leaving the airshow we got a call from Tze who had caught the bus to Brighton that afternoon with a friend. The bus seemed to take an eternity to get to Brighton (from Tunbridge Wells) and by the time they got there, everywhere was closing and the last bus home was about to leave. The last train that would get them home was ridiculously early as well, so we met them in Brighton for a meal and they stayed over at ours afterwards.

I'm beginning to realise how far away from everywhere we are. It took nearly three hours to get into London on Friday evening (a bit less to get home though), and it took nearly an hour to get to Brighton - at least it felt like it! So yes - we don't actually live in Brighton, it's just the nearest town that most people have heard of. If we want fish and chips by the sea we go to Worthing, which is about 8 miles away over the hill.

Sunday morning we went to church in Littlehampton with Rachel Evans and her family. That was good. As the family said afterwards, it was a bit of an odd service (ie not the usual) but I enjoyed myself, and it was so evident that God was with them. They're on the case of the invisible church in Steyning, so hopefully soon we'll have a lead! We had Sunday lunch with the Evans' family, and they're so happily barking that I felt like I was having Sunday lunch with my family! Conversations dived off at tangents regularly, and with 5 fairly sleep deprived people in the room it was interesting to say the least. Neither Rach nor I wanted to go to Manchester after that.

But we had to, so eventually we set off and that's where the fun started. We crawled most of the way up to the M40, at which point the road cleared up and the coolant warning lamps started flashing. There was no way we were going to make another 20 miles to the next services so the AA were called out ("you're a priority because you're on the motorway - we'll be with you as soon as possible within the hour" - they just made it!) to find that the car had dumped all its coolant. Nice car. The guy topped it up and spent a while checking for leaks and things, couldn't find anything so signed it off and off we went. We got home ok and I crashed at Rachel's overnight.

In the morning the car was going to the garage for a service so I took my stuff to Woodhouse Lane and from there set off for Hazel Grove where the garage is. I got as far as Cheadle Hulme and steam started pouring out from under the hood. No warning lamps, just lots and lots of steam. Handy pub carpark nearby.... Popped the bonnet, sighed at the green puddle under the car, and called the AA again. This time I wasn't a priority so it was a potential hour and a half wait for them to turn up. I'd not had breakfast (the plan had been to drop the car off at the garage, and then go foraging for food) so thankfully Sainsburys was just down the road so I went off to buy a paper and some pencils and some breakfast. I'd only just picked up the paper when my phone rang to say the patrol would be there in 10 minutes!! I was still running back to the car when the patrol phoned me to say he was there...

Well he topped the coolant up again, couldn't find any leaks, checked it over, and said he'd follow me to the garage. I got maybe 400 yards down the road and had to pull over, warning lamps flashing furiously and steam starting to seep out from the bonnet. Oh joy. The head gasket had gone. Garage said please don't bring it here, we won't be able to look at it for 3 weeks and then it's going to be a month-long project to sort it out. I was taken back to mum and dad's on the back of a recovery truck. (The afternoon then consisted of me trying not to cry, being consoled by the cat, making dinner and falling asleep on my parents' bed - I forget what I was doing, but evidently the brain decided to shut down for a while.)

Little aside here. The guy who picked me up and took me home was such a gentleman! He didn't talk down to me and I expect he would have happily explained anything to me, but I was able to hold my own in a conversation about cars and engines but he still opened doors for me and was just generally a really nice chap.

So the hunk of junk is now parked on my parents' driveway, and it's a case of Watch This Space to see what happens. We've got a hire car (a brand new sexy Megane with the sexy rear end) for a few weeks while we look for something that's hopefully not going to break, and I've had enough of travelling for the time being. We'll have to come up to Manchester at some point in the next few weeks, but I'm looking forward to a fortnight at home to relax and recuperate and generally de-stress.

Feels like it was only Yesterday

Got in at about 1.30am last night - took us nearly 3 hours to get from here to central London - and that was going the recommended route, avoiding the roads that would simply be one long crawl. We could have got most of the way to Manchester in that time. The groups' schedule was, as Hanna put it at 9.30am, messy... so by the time that we arrived at the Highbury Centre, they had only just finished eating and had made it to Victoria tube station! So we had time to kill waiting.

I read about Gerald Coates and decided he's a pretty amazing man of God, and read about other bits and pieces such as God healing and how He answers prayers but just quite often not the way we expect. The article I read told of a guy who came forward for prayer for healing of his terminal cancer. He was touched by God in an awesome way, and was saved and baptised by the following week. He died the following year - God hadn't healed his cancer, but He had healed his heart.

Then the guys finally arrived - they had all run from Highbury&Islington tube station - it's a 15 minute walk to the Highbury Centre - so Anssi and Kimmo were the first in, hugs all round - yes it was worth the wait! It was so great to see all our old friends, the language barrier was still there although it hardly mattered, I've forgotten most of my Finnish but I was able to follow bits and pieces. Arto is determined that I should learn the language again. I don't think he's going to let Anssi correspond with us in English! Charles is great as ever, he still writes his sermons in English and after a year and a half he still doesn't seem to realise that things like "fascinates and assassinates" (in reference to sin) is just lost on an audience that doesn't speak English! It makes him him really, I suppose.

We sat in on their bible study, they were looking at denying your self (Mat 16?). It made me think. It's all very well to deny your self, to say a big fat NO when your self wants to do things that are not in line with the Word of God, but what do you do instead? I remember being taught to "align your self with the Will and Word of God" and somehow that seems far more conducive to actually getting somewhere than simply saying no to all these things that you shouldn't do. Of course there's a balance that needs to be struck, you do need to say no to all these bad things, but then, if you have aligned your self with the Will of God, surely these things just won't be a temptation any more? Or at the very least, they'll be a lot easier to overcome - after all, we are Overcomers.

Afterwards most of them went to bed - they got in and got to bed at near to 2am in the morning, and then to have a full day of walking around London and getting back to the Centre at 9pm, it was a long day for them. So by 10pm, most of them were falling asleep on their feet (don't forget their bodies are still on Finnish time so it was midnight for them already!) and we stayed up chatting to Mika and Hanna, Tuulija, Arto and Anssi. Hanna is still poorly, she's been bedridden with flu and had recovered enough to fly to England but is still coughing lots and lots. Hope she gets better soon. We talked about houses and it turns out Kimmo might be working for Omatalo so Anssi is going to find out. Hanna scoured their website for me but couldn't find anything about them exporting, or even any way of contacting them to ask! So it's not just me... But we'll see. Anssi has offered his help in building too, I think! I wasn't listening to that conversation, so I will have to check, but perhaps.... anyway, that's for the future. Got to find the church body that God wants to join us to here, and then I'm sure we'll see doors opening for us with regard to land and importing the house that we want etc etc.

Arto is a pilot so he was interested to hear that we were (hopefully) going to go to an airshow today, I've just looked on their website and it looks amazing! I hope we get there - Steve's still asleep bless him, and It's gone 11 already - the displays started at 11am and go on until 5pm. It's on again tomorrow so we might catch some more tomorrow afternoon as well.

And, they've recorded a CD! The project started to raise money to build a church building in Lahore, Pakistan, and they've recorded a full CD of songs and sold loads in Finland and in Canada (where Mika and Hanna have been for 3 months) and raised enough to build the church building. Incredible! So I must get a copy of this CD. They recorded most of it actually in the church in Iisalmi, using the equipment that Steve helped them buy and set up, and I've heard a couple of the tracks and they're pretty good! I'm impressed! Tuulija, the "quiet one", has written a song and it's really beautiful. And they've been blessed with a very good cellist who was with them for a few months, just long enough to record the songs.

People are moving on though. Eila, Katja's mum, has sold her house in the country (the house we considered buying if we moved to Finland!) and moved to Lahti (pretty long way off), and Tuulija has moved to someplace about 50km outside of Helsinki, to go to Bible School, which has songwriting as part of its course. Katja didn't come on the trip but she's back in Oulu now, she's got maybe 4 or 5 years on her course so she'll be there a while. But since Eila has moved away from Iisalmi, I wonder if she'll really have much reason to visit there any more.

I really pray that God helps these young people to come out of themselves. I pray that He puts something on their heart to see the place where they live won for Jesus. I wonder what it is that they want, whether they have any particular desire on their hearts. I wonder what God is teaching them at the moment, I wonder what journey He's taking them on.......

A Tight Fit

Feeling pleased this morning. Steve and I got the slipcover onto the sofabed in the attic last night - what an ordeal!! Don't think that'll be coming off often, only to wash. We gave Steve's mum and dad the old white sofa for them to put in one of the rooms at church, complete with slipcover. My goodness by Ikea make things a tight fit. They took it off to wash it (not quite so hard to get the thing off) and mum said she thought she was going to break a finger trying to get the thing back on again! Hmmm, we said, yes..... it did take two of us to get it back on as well, and we didn't do it that often simply because it was SUCH an effort....

Anyway. I started putting the slipcover on by myself yesterday morning, and by lunchtime I'd given up. I decided that it would probably be easier to try and put the cover on while the mattress was still in the attic, rather than try and get the mattress downstairs by myself. Steve agreed so at least I felt better about that. Managed to burn all my knuckles though, trying to pull extra inches out of the fabric so that it would fit properly! Ah well. Done now. The attic was then tidied!! We put boxes away, created more space, swept all the sawdust up - tidy!! At least, it was tidy, until I put the washing up there and 3 bags full of single duvets and spare pillows. Not really sure why we have one double duvet, and 3 single duvets.


Think the attic is going to be the escape room. The den, to escape to when everything just gets a bit too much. It's quite chilled up there (and warm and cosy because the sun heats the room up rather well), relaxed. Very informal, unlike the front room which feels like it's on show most of the day (we SO need to get blinds or something) and needs to look good. Not that the attic doesn't look good, it just looks a lot more informal... like a normal-use living room, rather than the parlour.

Ok... today.... shopping, banana bread, look at short shelves at B&Q, drive into London. Yay!

Dinner Dates

I am SO excited! I think tomorrow the excitement might make me pop though... A group of friends from Iisalmi (Finland) are coming over for a couple of days in the Capital, they've got a jam-packed schedule but we're going to meet up with them tomorrow evening and I am SO EXCITED to get to see them again! Never mind that we're planning to go to Finland again at New Year, that's still 3 months away and this is TOMORROW! I spoke to Pastor Charles yesterday and arranged when and where we could meet up, and this morning I got an email from my friend Hanna (she's ace - she was really shy when we were in Finland, and even though she could speak better English than Mika she would only correct him, not speak herself! They've just spent 6 months in Canada though so I think that will have had a major impact on her confidence) so I'm just getting more and more excited about seeing them all. Hanna told me some names of who is coming over, and I'm kind of relieved that it's not just Pastor Charles and the youth. Pastor Jouni and his family are coming (I can't wait to see his wife again!) and Anssi (I've got some cool pics of his kids, they were such posers!), and Päivi and Arto, and of course some of the youth. There's about 21 of them in all coming for a whistle-stop tour of London (Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Madame Tussaude's, the Eye, Parliament...)

Anyway I think you get the idea that I'm so happy to be able to see them again.

Steve and I went on a Date last night - it was a really nice sunny day so we had a drink at the White Horse at lunchtime, and decided to go for another after work. And as we sat there we decided we couldn't be bothered going home to cook, so I asked if there were any tables free (on a Wednesday evening - it was practically empty!) and we had a brilliant impromptu dinner date. I enjoyed last night :) It's a lot more like Autumn today, the sun's hidden and it feels damp. Gutted that I put the washing in late yesterday, instead of in the morning... Don't think the washing machine is too happy. The dial broke a couple of weeks ago (it was already damaged) so I have to use pliers to turn it to where I think we've worked out the usual programme position is, and part way through the cycle yesterday afternoon it caused the main RCD to flick, and everything in the house went off.... very disconcerting. So I think I will not be using the computer or the stereo when I've got the washing machine on in the future, just in case...

Right, breakfast calls. And paracetamol...

A Nip in the Air

Now what was it that I was going to write.... I thought of something, and by the time the computer had powered up and I'd checked facebook I've completely forgotten what it was.

Tell you what though, it's definitely Autumn now. There's a nip in the air which continues much later into the mornings, and the shadows are cold now, rather than providing respite from the sunshine. Might be time soon to put the sandals away and start wearing slippers indoors, and proper shoes outdoors...

We went to Worthing on Monday evening, I was too sick to even pretend to try to cook anything for tea, so we decided to wrap up and go to Worthing and buy fish and chips and sit out on the pier in the evening sunshine. There's a really good fish and chip shop in Worthing, right next door to a fish and chip restaurant.... popular too, somehow we managed to get there just before the queue started spilling out onto the street. The sea was so calm, I can't remember the last time I saw such a calm and peaceful sea; the sun was low in the sky, shimmering over the exposed sand. So beautiful. Just what we needed - a 20 minute holiday.

Not too much work lined up for me today. I've had a really painful stiff neck for a few days now, and Steve thinks I've managed to strain a muscle lifting things that are actually too heavy for me to lift with a dodgy shoulder, so I'm on the painkillers and only light work while that sorts itself out. Still, there's plenty to do. I'm determined that all the boxes that are currently here from the last trip are emptied or at least sorted out before I go to Manchester on Sunday, so that when I get home on Tuesday the stuff I bring with me actually has a chance of being sorted out instead of just being added to the list of things to do.

Onwards...

Looking Good

When I was a kid and had a nasty cold (or whatever reason it was that I was dragged along to the doctors) I remember sitting in the waiting room trying my best to look ill because I was convinced that if you were sick, you should look it! But sitting in the waiting room this morning, trying not to nod off, it occurred to me that quite a lot of people who are really sick don't look it. Jane Tomlinson, for example. If she could do what she managed, being that sick, then I really don't have any room to complain about a cold stopping me.

The only reason I keep going to the doctors is so they can keep an eye on me and the diabetes. The diabetic nurse this morning is convinced that although I'm non-insulin dependent, which is now classed as Type 2, I'm actually a Type 1 but taking my time about it. (Harks back nearly 27 year. Apparently I really took my time about being born. Made them wait until the next day, I was so reluctant. Apparently.) The fact that I'm now on 3mg Glimepiride means that I'm ever so slightly closer to being on insulin anyway, so not to worry about going on to insulin for pregnancy preparation. She's going to be keeping an eye on me anyway. Which I guess is nice, really. She kept me talking nearly 50 minutes - I'm one of her more "interesting" patients: I think that means that I don't fit nicely into any boxes!

I did a second glucose test just now and it's still really high, that's about an hour and a half after lunch - sandwiches with a non-sugary filling, and a glass of no added sugar juice. Nothing in there to make my glucose levels go that high, but I'm not going to start worrying yet. I suppose this is a good incentive to start testing my sugars more often!

More blood tests next week, and a referral to one of the clinics at Worthing Hospital to get me started on insulin. It would happen to a needlephobe. Wonder what the correct term for that is...

Nerves

I'm going to see the diabetic nurse in half an hour, to see if we can get the ball rolling with regards to Steve and I trying for mini-Entwistles next year sometime. So far, as far I know, it will go like this:
Get Jeni on to Insulin.
Monitor Jeni's blood sugar to make sure it is within strict boundaries at all times. (Bit worried about this one, I've just tested my glucose levels and they were 17.8 but I'm putting that down to 3 slices of toast with jam this morning for breakfast.)
6-9 months later, stop taking the Pill.
Start trying for kids....
Constant monitoring, eagle-eyed watching, .......... I remember when we were about to move to Finland for the year I joked to Steve that could we please have our first out in Finland so that we'd be away from the eagle-eyes of the families!
But as much as I'm not looking forward to being watched so closely, I think once it comes to it I'll be pretty glad of the attention. Seems we have one of the best diabetic nurses in the country down here in Steyning, and it's a pretty big and well-equipped health centre. I'm sure I'll be well looked after.
I'm also sure that I'm going to get told off for not checking my glucose levels more often. Apart from just now, I can't honestly remember the last time I checked. I think it was while I was still working at Parklands, which was over a month ago now. Ah well.

New Home, New Start...

Thought I'd make another attempt at blogging. Since I'm so far away from home, again, and this time maybe permanently....

Don't think there's any need to go into details past here, although here's the story.

Today I feel sick again! Joy. I'm coming to the conclusion that it's due to the stress of moving. I didn't actually believe the stories about moving house being one of the 3 most stressful things you can do, along with having a baby and something else which I can't remember. But, I thought the stress was due to moving away from friends and family, being alone, having to carve out a new life. Doesn't worry me much. Apart from the internet bringing family and friends closer, I've never been one to worry much about a new start. The thing that's got me is all the stuff that Steve and I have managed to accumulate over the past 8 years - that's including the time before we got married, when the traditional "bottom drawer" grew into most of my parents' front room.

We've had incidents in the past when some attempt at sorting out all the junk has been necessary, most notably when we had an arson attack on the house in 2003. Problem is, when that happened all that ensued was everything (everything) got put into boxes and taken away to be cleaned (although now that we're going through everything again, we're constantly having to wash soot off our hands from the supposedly cleaned stuff) and then we never got around to getting it out of the boxes. 4 years ago! Two years ago, when we moved to Finland for a year, we didn't actually sell our house so basically everything that we didn't need or want to take with us, we just dumped in the attic. Bad move... Necessary, but still a pretty bad move.

So over the past year we've been up there on occasion and taken things out of boxes and found things that we'd not seen for 4 years and thought we'd lost, and found so many memories. One was a little porcelain owl that mum says I got when I left primary school - a "wise owl" and a mini dictionary was given to every child. The fact that so much of the stuff in the attic has a story attached would be great if I could remember any of the stories. I've got a feeling I'm going to be pretty useless when my great grandkids ask me to tell them stories of my childhood!

But because we have been up in the attic on occasion, and taken things out of boxes but not done anything with them, it means that we have an attic floor strewn with odd bits and pieces, not in any particular order, not in boxes. And so, very difficult to just pack up and move. And every time we visit Manchester now, it gets harder and harder because it's not a visit home, it's a visit to dredge up more old memories, and usually the ones that do come back to me are the ones I'd prefer to forget.

On a happier note though, I'm so relieved that when we go back we don't have to sleep in the house!! There's no furniture and no kettle and no pans and no microwave so no way of making a cup of tea in the morning, and sleeping on an airbed just manages to kill any hopes of my right arm being of any use at all the following day. Two couples from church have opened their spare bedrooms to us when we go back for sorting weekends, and rather than sorting and taking junk back to Steyning we can sort and take junk back for further sorting to my parents' house which is 15 minutes away rather than 4 and a half hours away.

But still, mum's worried about me because I'm feeling sick so often, and I'm fed up because I've lost weight again (I have a target weight which is half a stone away (heavier, not lighter), and I just can't get there, no matter how much I try) because I'm not eating my usual amount of food because I feel sick so often, and I'm soooooo tired. I'm looking forward to the week after next. We might actually manage a full fortnight in Steyning.