Went to Manchester this weekend and the troops were marvellous. We have cleared the downstairs! (Well nearly, just a handful of odds and ends. Maybe one box worth.) Upstairs is doing well too, nearly empty as well. The only room left really to sort out is the attic and even that's doing well! And, amazingly, I didn't get stressed. We sorted a couple of car loads out, took all my pots and planters to my parents' house, and took a carload back to Steyning. AND, most importantly, tidied up the house before we left. That causes stress, knowing that I've left the house in a mess.
Was just listening to Jeremy Vine today: one of the topics on his show today was panic attacks. I listened because it was quite interesting and then suddenly it was like a light switched on and I realised that I've been having panic attacks, it seems Steve's been aware of this for a while but I didn't think that they were actual panic attacks. I just sort of joked about them (in the way you do when you're in denial about something) and didn't think much about it. But hearing somebody else describe exactly what I do when I'm crippled with panic and fear just made me stop. I get minor panic attacks in shops or on busy streets or sometimes in church when there's lots of people around. I remember seeing a program years ago about what happens to your brain when you get older (much older, not twenties - think seventies or eighties) and you just lose the ability to process all the visual and audio information that's bombarding you whenever you leave the sanctuary of your home. I remember thinking then that I could identify with that already - I feel bombarded and bewildered and overwhelmed by noise and sights and sometimes I just can't cope. A good way for me to cope with that is to put my hood up and pretend it's not there but then you can't see all the people who are about to push past you on a busy shopping street or see what traffic's coming.
But I just remembered the Slopes of Doom which I laugh about nervously. I was so completely crippled with fear, crouching down, couldn't even bring myself to stand up - just so terrified that I was going to fall or slip or otherwise go crashing down this slippery slope in front of me. Poor Steve had to coax me like a - well, I was going to say child, but kids were running down the slope in front of me. Those attacks don't happen very often thank goodness, and the minor ones are happening less and less - I associate them with having low blood sugar and thus just not being able to process what's going on around me, rather than all-out panic attacks.
How strange. I wonder what causes these attacks, whether there is a real underlying fear? I remember feeling an attack coming on in Finland, Sanni was trying to get me to ski down this tiny tiny tiny little slope (and it was only cross-country skiing, not downhill) and my legs locked up and I felt like I was going to cry. I think I did cry the next time, when it was Steve who took me out. I seem to have issues with going downhill. One day I'll overcome them properly.
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