Wasn't Amplify good last night? God is good. ALL the time.
It was strange though. There was so much of God available, and yet I could feel so much resistance in the room. Weird. I sort of re-dedicated myself to God last night - in the quiet space, I recognised and accepted before God that I do what I do (in last night's instance, singing and writing) for God. Yes I accept and don't deny that nice comments are welcome - I don't think I'd be human if I didn't enjoy it when somebody says they liked a song I've written! But I do it for God, He is my Reason.
But the thing I noticed last night was that whenever I make myself vulnerable before God, I also seem to leave myself wide open to the enemy's little snide remarks. So, a bare half hour after my re-dedication, I was nearly consumed by self-doubt and terrifying insecurity (I also realised afterwards that I'd not eaten for several hours, which never helps my emotional stability). I knew it would pass, and it did, after hugs and chats, but during that time the feelings were nearly crippling.
Even after a few occasions over the past year when I've felt like this, and been consoled eventually and learning about my emotions and how I shouldn't always believe them, it's so hard! The only thing that stopped me from self-destruction last night was the knowledge that I WASN'T those things that the enemy was whispering to me; and remembering that I am accepted by Christ, and I am beloved of Christ.
It's still hard though. I wondered, and perhaps I will always wonder, am I the only one who doesn't find socialising easy? Am I the only loner around, and am I the only one who struggles to put on a brave face sometimes and finds it such an effort to go out and be sociable? Does anyone else find it hard? If they do, they hide it well - and I need to learn that trick... Sometimes it's easier than other times to go out and make conversation. Sometimes I crave company and crowds and people and talk. Sometimes just the thought of people brings on feelings of total panic.
I've found myself an awful lot these past few weeks running away in my head to the balcony we had in Finland, wrapped up in a duvet against the cold, watching the trees sway in the breeze and the lake twinkle in the sunshine. It's my escape, and I'm starting to rely on it - which probably isn't good. I must learn that I live in the here and now, and that my refuge is God and God alone. No balcony can compare to my God.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Testimony for this week
After my last rather depressing post, a more positive one.
God has blessed me this week so much - all the things that have threatened to get me down this week, praise God, haven't. That has blessed me so much. To go through the stress of this week, with so many of my mistakes coming back to get me down, and to emerge relatively unscathed - I'm blessed. Irene testified last night to the Peace of God through an exam she had recently, and I think that the same Peace has been with me also.
Still not heard about the job I interviewed for!
Still amazed that I can remember so much stuff about David from the weekend.... :D
God has blessed me this week so much - all the things that have threatened to get me down this week, praise God, haven't. That has blessed me so much. To go through the stress of this week, with so many of my mistakes coming back to get me down, and to emerge relatively unscathed - I'm blessed. Irene testified last night to the Peace of God through an exam she had recently, and I think that the same Peace has been with me also.
Still not heard about the job I interviewed for!
Still amazed that I can remember so much stuff about David from the weekend.... :D
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Trouble
I sometimes wonder, if things that could potentially beat us down are deliberately stored up to come and try and systematically beat us down when there is the possibility of something really good happening.
After my interview on Monday (which went really well), I've had so many things come along and try and get me down.
I don't really know what I'm to make of this. A few of these things are things that I've made mistakes about in the past couple of months and are now coming back to bite me. A couple of them have been sorted (I got told off for not letting people know when I was drowning), but this latest one I know isn't going to be easy. (By the way, I'm not a bad worker, I just do make mistakes sometimes. And I admit that. I'm human...) I'm just a little scared that what could be my last couple of weeks here at the College are not going to be that great. I really hate leaving a place on bad terms. I don't even know if I'm going to be leaving just yet, which may be even worse... Sigh. The life of a temp is not that great.
After my interview on Monday (which went really well), I've had so many things come along and try and get me down.
I don't really know what I'm to make of this. A few of these things are things that I've made mistakes about in the past couple of months and are now coming back to bite me. A couple of them have been sorted (I got told off for not letting people know when I was drowning), but this latest one I know isn't going to be easy. (By the way, I'm not a bad worker, I just do make mistakes sometimes. And I admit that. I'm human...) I'm just a little scared that what could be my last couple of weeks here at the College are not going to be that great. I really hate leaving a place on bad terms. I don't even know if I'm going to be leaving just yet, which may be even worse... Sigh. The life of a temp is not that great.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
What a DAY
I went to Becky Higg's launch party of her debut album "Room to Move" and I was so impressed! It was a cool launch party too, the room was packed and there were trays of herbal teas going around. I managed to buy an album, but couldn't stay past the first set because I was meeting Steve at church at 9.30.
Prior to the launch party, I had to find the place. The Bay Horse, on Thomas Street. I managed to walk right past it the first time I walked down the street, and missed it completely. I walked around the back streets, and eventually walked down Thomas Street again and there it was. I don't know how I managed to miss it...
And before that, I was at Kids Club. That was fun. I wasn't on bus duty tonight - hurrah for a night off! I don't think I could've coped on the bus back to Wythenshawe after the goings-on at club. Two kids from Wythenshawe couldn't decide if they were friends or not and were taking up so much time from all different leaders. Next week one of them in particular is going to be told that he will be excluded for the rest of the night if he starts playing up again. I hope it doesn't come to that...
But before THAT, I was at work! Yay for work. Steve texted me during the day, he'd been down to the Message and handed in my application form and by the time he got home there was a message on our answerphone inviting me to an INTERVIEW on Monday!!!!! Hoorah! So I went into our little interview room here and phoned Emma at the Message and had a good chat. Steve told me later that when he handed in the form he handed it straight to Emma, and Emma said "It's my job she's taking"... Now whether that was a slip of the tongue or what, I don't know but I'm still Claiming this job!!
Woooo also I am SO looking forward to going to the Amplified Weekend this weekend. Hooray I'm driving the van with Steve. I've enjoyed driving my mum's car this weekend, even though the clutch is slipping really badly - we've figured out a sort of technique to stop it slipping so much. But having said that, I really should tell mum... I might email her now while I remember...
Prior to the launch party, I had to find the place. The Bay Horse, on Thomas Street. I managed to walk right past it the first time I walked down the street, and missed it completely. I walked around the back streets, and eventually walked down Thomas Street again and there it was. I don't know how I managed to miss it...
And before that, I was at Kids Club. That was fun. I wasn't on bus duty tonight - hurrah for a night off! I don't think I could've coped on the bus back to Wythenshawe after the goings-on at club. Two kids from Wythenshawe couldn't decide if they were friends or not and were taking up so much time from all different leaders. Next week one of them in particular is going to be told that he will be excluded for the rest of the night if he starts playing up again. I hope it doesn't come to that...
But before THAT, I was at work! Yay for work. Steve texted me during the day, he'd been down to the Message and handed in my application form and by the time he got home there was a message on our answerphone inviting me to an INTERVIEW on Monday!!!!! Hoorah! So I went into our little interview room here and phoned Emma at the Message and had a good chat. Steve told me later that when he handed in the form he handed it straight to Emma, and Emma said "It's my job she's taking"... Now whether that was a slip of the tongue or what, I don't know but I'm still Claiming this job!!
Woooo also I am SO looking forward to going to the Amplified Weekend this weekend. Hooray I'm driving the van with Steve. I've enjoyed driving my mum's car this weekend, even though the clutch is slipping really badly - we've figured out a sort of technique to stop it slipping so much. But having said that, I really should tell mum... I might email her now while I remember...
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Noah's Ark
The story of Noah and the Ark took on a new meaning to me today.
We had a meeting with Andrew at church today, and as I was rounding the corner to church I started praying "God, bless this meeting..." that's as far as I got before I looked up and saw a rainbow! I felt God saying to me, "you've been tried and tested, and I promise I'll never put you through this again."
What a blessing.
Later as I was writing this in my little journal, it was expanded to me. When Noah saw the rainbow, they were still on the water (if my memory serves me correctly). God promised Noah that He would never again bring such wholesale destruction to the earth. But the point is, the rain had stopped. BUT, they were still on the water.
I'll bet it took a long long time for the waters to recede, but God had given His word to Noah and his family.
With me and Steve, the rain has stopped - our situation is not going to get any worse - Praise God! But it's going to be a while before the water has gone down enough for us to get to solid ground.
I did pray the other day that our finances needed "baptising" but I didn't think God would answer us by saying that this whole thing was a baptism....
We had a meeting with Andrew at church today, and as I was rounding the corner to church I started praying "God, bless this meeting..." that's as far as I got before I looked up and saw a rainbow! I felt God saying to me, "you've been tried and tested, and I promise I'll never put you through this again."
What a blessing.
Later as I was writing this in my little journal, it was expanded to me. When Noah saw the rainbow, they were still on the water (if my memory serves me correctly). God promised Noah that He would never again bring such wholesale destruction to the earth. But the point is, the rain had stopped. BUT, they were still on the water.
I'll bet it took a long long time for the waters to recede, but God had given His word to Noah and his family.
With me and Steve, the rain has stopped - our situation is not going to get any worse - Praise God! But it's going to be a while before the water has gone down enough for us to get to solid ground.
I did pray the other day that our finances needed "baptising" but I didn't think God would answer us by saying that this whole thing was a baptism....
Annoyed, frustrated, conned...
I feel so let down by the agency I'm with at the moment.
This is what I earn, by the way.
I was contracted initially to work 37.5 hours per week at a rate of £7 per hour.
I can't support myself and Steve on this, so I said I would be looking for other work at the end of the 3 month contract.
The agency offered me £7.50 per hour to try and keep me, which I accepted.
Then I get the revised contract details through the post and they've reduced my hours to 35 hours per week, while putting my hourly rate up to £7.50 per hour.
Do the maths, and then you'll understand why I'm feeling particularly let down and conned by the agency. I've told my boss that I'll be staying, so I feel trapped now as well.
My agency doesn't appear to think they've done anything wrong. Steve and I reckon that the initial 37.5 hours per week was a mistake on the agency's part - when my boss signed my timesheet the other week she told me I should only be working 35 hours per week.
I wish people would own up to mistakes, rather than making me feel like I've been conned and let down.
This is what I earn, by the way.
I was contracted initially to work 37.5 hours per week at a rate of £7 per hour.
I can't support myself and Steve on this, so I said I would be looking for other work at the end of the 3 month contract.
The agency offered me £7.50 per hour to try and keep me, which I accepted.
Then I get the revised contract details through the post and they've reduced my hours to 35 hours per week, while putting my hourly rate up to £7.50 per hour.
Do the maths, and then you'll understand why I'm feeling particularly let down and conned by the agency. I've told my boss that I'll be staying, so I feel trapped now as well.
My agency doesn't appear to think they've done anything wrong. Steve and I reckon that the initial 37.5 hours per week was a mistake on the agency's part - when my boss signed my timesheet the other week she told me I should only be working 35 hours per week.
I wish people would own up to mistakes, rather than making me feel like I've been conned and let down.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Time to switch off
It's so nice when you have a few moments to switch off from work. Unfortunately this is normally accompanied by random memory loss of the work I've done up to that point in the day...
It's been a weird day. Started off terribly, I'd forgotton so much stuff that I needed to remember, and I'd also managed to get totally confused over the past few days so that I was basically doing crisis management this morning after managing to double book audition slots, booking others candidates in twice, and generally not having a great morning. I really doubted my ability for this job this morning. I'm sometimes way too much of a scatterbrain - not always, just sometimes, and usually just when I DON'T need it to happen.
Anthony however was able to put the Bible into practise and when I'd sent him a text saying that I felt like I was only just keeping my head above water he responded with a Bible verse: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble." That was so just what I needed to hear.... That I can do it, and to start swimming!
I remembered a little later on (once I felt like I was swimming again - I did have to keep reminding myself, "swim, Jen") that Ant's Xanga blog used to have a header on it saying "Every path has a puddle, every puddle is a chance to walk on water." I never really paid much attention to it but today has got me thinking. This path I'm on has LOADS of puddles. And therefore, so many chances to walk on water and show the awesome power of God in my life!
So, through today's swimming and not drowning, and perhaps even walking on water (have faith, Jen), will it be obvious that it's God being my refuge and strength? Or do I look like I'm just coping? How do other people see me? I do wonder.
I've also realised that as good as it is to post my feelings on the internet for all and sundry to read, sometimes it's just not appropriate to voice my real thoughts (!) so I have elected to keep a written journal as well... So far, and it's only been in use 3 days, it's been incredibly helpful to me, keeping sane, being able to write down the thoughts that would otherwise try to drown me.
It's been a weird day. Started off terribly, I'd forgotton so much stuff that I needed to remember, and I'd also managed to get totally confused over the past few days so that I was basically doing crisis management this morning after managing to double book audition slots, booking others candidates in twice, and generally not having a great morning. I really doubted my ability for this job this morning. I'm sometimes way too much of a scatterbrain - not always, just sometimes, and usually just when I DON'T need it to happen.
Anthony however was able to put the Bible into practise and when I'd sent him a text saying that I felt like I was only just keeping my head above water he responded with a Bible verse: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble." That was so just what I needed to hear.... That I can do it, and to start swimming!
I remembered a little later on (once I felt like I was swimming again - I did have to keep reminding myself, "swim, Jen") that Ant's Xanga blog used to have a header on it saying "Every path has a puddle, every puddle is a chance to walk on water." I never really paid much attention to it but today has got me thinking. This path I'm on has LOADS of puddles. And therefore, so many chances to walk on water and show the awesome power of God in my life!
So, through today's swimming and not drowning, and perhaps even walking on water (have faith, Jen), will it be obvious that it's God being my refuge and strength? Or do I look like I'm just coping? How do other people see me? I do wonder.
oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo
I've also realised that as good as it is to post my feelings on the internet for all and sundry to read, sometimes it's just not appropriate to voice my real thoughts (!) so I have elected to keep a written journal as well... So far, and it's only been in use 3 days, it's been incredibly helpful to me, keeping sane, being able to write down the thoughts that would otherwise try to drown me.
Monday, October 02, 2006
excitement!
I'm going for an advice audition at the RNCM next week - how completely exciting!!!!!!!! Having said that, I did just realise that the only repertoire I can offer them currently are either my own songs, or a piece that I learnt a couple of years ago when I auditioned for the Halle. Or a worship song. That might be interesting....... At least I could do one of them a capella...
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Feeling bad...
I feel a tiny bit bad this morning.... I was so exasperated after a particular phonecall a couple of days ago - some poor student had visa issues and I couldn't get a straight answer out of her as to what exactly she needed me to do - but it seems I provided the required information, and she's faxed me a note this morning saying thank-you and how grateful she is to me for helping her!! So I feel a wee bit bad for getting so irritated with her when she was on the phone to me.
Helen says that these students who you help with visa issues quite often bring you thank-you gifts.... so that's just gonna make me feel even more guilty for getting so irritated.......
I know I shouldn't get irritated but the past few days these phonecalls from various people have been making me just want to bang my head on the desk!!!
Helen says that these students who you help with visa issues quite often bring you thank-you gifts.... so that's just gonna make me feel even more guilty for getting so irritated.......
I know I shouldn't get irritated but the past few days these phonecalls from various people have been making me just want to bang my head on the desk!!!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
New Job Update
Thought I'd write a little update on how my job is going.
The job is all good - I am particularly pleased this morning because I have managed to reply to about 25 emails answering questions and giving advice to various people. The questions just keep coming! I admit I find it a bit frustrating sometimes (already!) because most of the answers I give, I find the information out myself either from the RNCM website or the prospectus. It's hard not to immediately label some people as lazy or hopeless....! But, despite that, I am always nice in my replies!!!
Registration week is progressing fairly smoothly, the only problems (as usual, according to the tales I hear) are blamed on the IT department. I feel sorry for those guys sometimes. Other times not... but as I will never know the full story how can I apportion blame? It's just irritating the little things that go wrong.
So the job is all good.
Here's a little prayer point though if you're reading this.
I received my first payslip through the post recently and my hourly rate is significantly lower than the rate I was told by both the agency and the RNCM. I can't afford to keep this job if I'm being paid that little, and even on the rate I was promised I can't really afford to stay longer than the 3 month initial period - and this job could be on a rolling temporary contract which lasts significantly longer than the initial 3 months.
Please pray that the issue will be resolved - I am a bit annoyed because I was lied to by the agency in the first place. I am sure that this is a job that God has brought me to, so I must believe that God will provide for me and Steve either through a wage increase or a conversion to a permanent job, or through some other means. But it needs to happen soon!!!
The job is all good - I am particularly pleased this morning because I have managed to reply to about 25 emails answering questions and giving advice to various people. The questions just keep coming! I admit I find it a bit frustrating sometimes (already!) because most of the answers I give, I find the information out myself either from the RNCM website or the prospectus. It's hard not to immediately label some people as lazy or hopeless....! But, despite that, I am always nice in my replies!!!
Registration week is progressing fairly smoothly, the only problems (as usual, according to the tales I hear) are blamed on the IT department. I feel sorry for those guys sometimes. Other times not... but as I will never know the full story how can I apportion blame? It's just irritating the little things that go wrong.
So the job is all good.
Here's a little prayer point though if you're reading this.
I received my first payslip through the post recently and my hourly rate is significantly lower than the rate I was told by both the agency and the RNCM. I can't afford to keep this job if I'm being paid that little, and even on the rate I was promised I can't really afford to stay longer than the 3 month initial period - and this job could be on a rolling temporary contract which lasts significantly longer than the initial 3 months.
Please pray that the issue will be resolved - I am a bit annoyed because I was lied to by the agency in the first place. I am sure that this is a job that God has brought me to, so I must believe that God will provide for me and Steve either through a wage increase or a conversion to a permanent job, or through some other means. But it needs to happen soon!!!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Right-brained in love!
You Are Right Brained In Love |
 Peacemaker, first to end a fight Good at thinking up creative dates Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily Going with your gut instead of your head Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault Good at recognizing patterns in relationships Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart |
I am a....
| You Are a Natural Beauty! |
 You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless |
I am a.......
| You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe |
 But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites. And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear. |
Monday, August 21, 2006
Currency of Time
Funny isn't it. This whole thing about not having a job, not having much money, not having any to spare (particularly odd feeling, that) is currently (well, today at any rate) being balanced out by my sudden realisation that I'm very rich in the old currency of Time.
Today I have been able to finish painting the boxroom and the bathroom, spruced up my myspace account (check it out! jenientwistle) which required me to delve into css style sheets (oooooh), decided what I need to do to a couple of songs (couldn't actually do anything, because it would require certain peripherals to be plugged in - which is Steve's job as Official Techie) and spoken to an old friend who I've not spoken to for a long time. And (evidently) I've found time to blog.
I suspect this particular state of affairs can't really go on for ever - I suspect it will have to change once Steve is back at university and can't go fitting kitchens and things every week; but since I'm in the Here and Now (always a good place to be, I think) I suppose I should really make the most of it.
Requests for paintings or icecream anyone?
Today I have been able to finish painting the boxroom and the bathroom, spruced up my myspace account (check it out! jenientwistle) which required me to delve into css style sheets (oooooh), decided what I need to do to a couple of songs (couldn't actually do anything, because it would require certain peripherals to be plugged in - which is Steve's job as Official Techie) and spoken to an old friend who I've not spoken to for a long time. And (evidently) I've found time to blog.
I suspect this particular state of affairs can't really go on for ever - I suspect it will have to change once Steve is back at university and can't go fitting kitchens and things every week; but since I'm in the Here and Now (always a good place to be, I think) I suppose I should really make the most of it.
Requests for paintings or icecream anyone?
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Honesty (continued)
Yesterday's depression and confusion didn't last that long. I cried a bit, and then with the help of Steve we pulled my emotions back under control and I was able to think clearly again.
God has indeed closed a door, but it wasn't him who slammed it in my face as it closed. Steve pointed out that I'd done a lot of things right, which was evidently annoying somebody else. For example, although I'd gone to the interview on Monday thinking "I don't want this job" (for many reasons), by the time I got there I'd decided that was the wrong attitude to go in with and sorted myself out. The interview was great, and afterwards I was repenting massively for my previous attitude and prejudice, and giving the whole situation to God, with the attitude of "it's up to You now, I'm totally open to suggestion for this job".
When I said during the interview that I didn't know what the future held, I was being honest. There isn't anything in the Bible that says we are allowed to lie, or even to lie by omission. Lying is just wrong, full stop. By my being honest, I was able to help that company choose the right person. So maybe I would have been perfect for the job, but they evidently wanted somebody who could commit long-term. And that wasn't me, fair play to them.
There is a company out there who is looking for me - and if I'm able to stay longer than a year, that's great!
Steve also reminded me that God gives us the power to keep our emotions under control. This doesn't mean we put a mask on, or hide them, but it means we are of sound mind and have self-control. Usually I'm able to control my emotional state, but when something like the phonecall from the agency comes (or worse) it has the opporunity to knock you hard, to shake you, and it's impossible in those situations to remain in control. However, we have the power, aided by the Holy Spirit, to bring our emotions back under control, to be able to look at a situation clearly again, and to keep our trust firmly in God.
God has indeed closed a door, but it wasn't him who slammed it in my face as it closed. Steve pointed out that I'd done a lot of things right, which was evidently annoying somebody else. For example, although I'd gone to the interview on Monday thinking "I don't want this job" (for many reasons), by the time I got there I'd decided that was the wrong attitude to go in with and sorted myself out. The interview was great, and afterwards I was repenting massively for my previous attitude and prejudice, and giving the whole situation to God, with the attitude of "it's up to You now, I'm totally open to suggestion for this job".
When I said during the interview that I didn't know what the future held, I was being honest. There isn't anything in the Bible that says we are allowed to lie, or even to lie by omission. Lying is just wrong, full stop. By my being honest, I was able to help that company choose the right person. So maybe I would have been perfect for the job, but they evidently wanted somebody who could commit long-term. And that wasn't me, fair play to them.
There is a company out there who is looking for me - and if I'm able to stay longer than a year, that's great!
Steve also reminded me that God gives us the power to keep our emotions under control. This doesn't mean we put a mask on, or hide them, but it means we are of sound mind and have self-control. Usually I'm able to control my emotional state, but when something like the phonecall from the agency comes (or worse) it has the opporunity to knock you hard, to shake you, and it's impossible in those situations to remain in control. However, we have the power, aided by the Holy Spirit, to bring our emotions back under control, to be able to look at a situation clearly again, and to keep our trust firmly in God.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Honesty
Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says, "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?
I went for a job interview on Monday (the 3rd job I've been interviewed for so far) for a town planning company. The interview was really good, I knew it was a job that I could do well, the company was interesting, the work sounded interesting, the benefits were great - it sounded really really good (plus it was a good salary, always useful). They said that they would draw up a shortlist of applicants for a second interview and let me know, via the agency.
I've just received the phonecall from the agency and I'm really upset.
I was perfect for the job. Absolutely perfect. I was the person they were looking for. Apart from, I was honest (too honest, according to the agency) by saying that potentially in a year's time we might be looking at relocating, according to where Steve was offered work in his Acoustics profession.
And, that put them off.
So I am torn, really torn.
What am I supposed to do? Lie by omission and then cause bad feeling a year down the line by suddenly announcing that I'm upping and leaving because Steve's been offered a job somewhere else? Do I go into a job purely for my benefit - i.e. not telling them about the fact that it's very likely that I'll only be around for one year? That was what the lady at the job agency told me to do just now.
Or do I go for a job interview thinking, "what can I offer this company" (rather than, "what can this company offer me") and be honest about where I see the future going?
While I was in Finland it was prophesied over me about being purity and truth (not being pure and truthful, but being purity and truth) so I feel I can now hardly go into an interview and lie, even by omission. Besides, to do that would feel so utterly utterly wrong.
I am standing out from the crowd by being honest, and right now it just seems like that has been thrown right back in my face.
I suppose I can consider it an answer to prayer in some way, because we did pray at cell the other week that doors that I was not meant to go through would be closed firmly. It just feels like this one has been closed rather forcefully - slammed in my face, as you might say.
I'm still waiting to hear from Forsyths, who promised me they'd let me know either way early this week. Maybe they're struggling too with the fact that I was honest.
Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?
I know God has promised us blessings, but this "blessing" hurts.
I went for a job interview on Monday (the 3rd job I've been interviewed for so far) for a town planning company. The interview was really good, I knew it was a job that I could do well, the company was interesting, the work sounded interesting, the benefits were great - it sounded really really good (plus it was a good salary, always useful). They said that they would draw up a shortlist of applicants for a second interview and let me know, via the agency.
I've just received the phonecall from the agency and I'm really upset.
I was perfect for the job. Absolutely perfect. I was the person they were looking for. Apart from, I was honest (too honest, according to the agency) by saying that potentially in a year's time we might be looking at relocating, according to where Steve was offered work in his Acoustics profession.
And, that put them off.
So I am torn, really torn.
What am I supposed to do? Lie by omission and then cause bad feeling a year down the line by suddenly announcing that I'm upping and leaving because Steve's been offered a job somewhere else? Do I go into a job purely for my benefit - i.e. not telling them about the fact that it's very likely that I'll only be around for one year? That was what the lady at the job agency told me to do just now.
Or do I go for a job interview thinking, "what can I offer this company" (rather than, "what can this company offer me") and be honest about where I see the future going?
While I was in Finland it was prophesied over me about being purity and truth (not being pure and truthful, but being purity and truth) so I feel I can now hardly go into an interview and lie, even by omission. Besides, to do that would feel so utterly utterly wrong.
I am standing out from the crowd by being honest, and right now it just seems like that has been thrown right back in my face.
I suppose I can consider it an answer to prayer in some way, because we did pray at cell the other week that doors that I was not meant to go through would be closed firmly. It just feels like this one has been closed rather forcefully - slammed in my face, as you might say.
I'm still waiting to hear from Forsyths, who promised me they'd let me know either way early this week. Maybe they're struggling too with the fact that I was honest.
Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?
I know God has promised us blessings, but this "blessing" hurts.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Miracles
It's been a fraught couple of weeks. It's just over 2 weeks since we're been back in the UK.
By Saturday we realised that we desperately needed some kind of financial miracle if we were to stay afloat, and after a few tears of frustration (on my part) we agreed to pray and then not let fear spoil our day. Needless to say, money played on our minds quite a lot during Saturday.
Sunday came and I was still praying for a miracle. However it was great to soak in God's presence during the morning. Kofi spoke about the Holy Spirit in us, and how we should be the same Holy-Spirit-filled people whether we are at church, at home, at work or at the shops. It's so easy to believe on a Sunday, isn't it, when you are surrounded by so much wonderfully infectious and encouraging faith.
I went forward for prayer after Rachel Cole spoke how God was in the business of miracles. God's word to me was that it would happen that day, and then that word was sealed. I had already read my notebook that morning, which reminded me that God already knows all our needs (He wants us to acknowledge His involvement in our lives, and how He is our provider). So, after all that, in faith, we put what money we had left in the collection, having been reminded again of God's faith with regard to giving and receiving.
I struggled so much on Monday morning. I'd not been able to know whether the miracle had happened or not. I didn't know what to think: whether to even wonder if it had happened, just because I couldn't see any evidence of it. Had God provided for us? There was no envelope stuffed full of money on the doorstep when we got up, miraculously left there at the precise instant of our praying; there were no offers of financial gifts or loans. So, had God answered? Had He heard? Was He even there at all? My faith was hanging by a thread, and I couldn't even figure out the right thing to think. Although I knew in my heart that the right thing would be to have faith and believe we were provided for, I couldn't actually bring myself to say it out loud, let alone let myself believe it. I struggled. I felt so alone. I couldn't feel God's comforting presence, but still I hoped.
I had to go out later on in the morning, and on the way home I was still feeling so isolated and lonely. At one point I was even debating with myself whether God was real at all, or if he was just something my mind had created or allowed to exist, something to blame external occurances on just so I wouldn't go insane. Eventually I came to the conclusion that whether or not God was real, I would never be able to escape from Him, because He is such an integral part of my life.
So, having established that God was in fact real and that I agreed with myself about His existence, how could I then reconcile that with the weight on my shoulders about the miracle that was supposed to have happened on Sunday?
And why was it so difficult to get a job this time round? The last few jobs I've had have practically fallen in my lap.
So. After all that angst, Monday started to get better. I chatted to Janet Green (I could FEEL the mental hugs over the phone); discovered that I'm eligible for Jobseekers Allowance (one weight off my shoulders) and discovered that we can have a sort of payment holiday on our mortgate (for which we are currently 2 payments behind...); and I also had a call from Forsyths inviting me back for a 2nd interview. Hurrah!
All in all, I felt like an incredible amount of the weight had gone from my shoulders.
"Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you." I need to write that SO big somewhere.
It was still raining on Tuesday morning. The rain started Saturday evening, and was still going. I stood in the kitchen, wondering at how beautiful everything looked with the rain dripping off branches, and God said to me, "The dry season is over. Now it's going to Rain." It might have been a fairly obvious statement, but I know how God uses where we are to speak directly to us. Our dry season is over. We have been faithful throughout, with our tithes and offerings, whether financial or othewise, and God knows that.
And now it's going to rain blessings.
By Saturday we realised that we desperately needed some kind of financial miracle if we were to stay afloat, and after a few tears of frustration (on my part) we agreed to pray and then not let fear spoil our day. Needless to say, money played on our minds quite a lot during Saturday.
Sunday came and I was still praying for a miracle. However it was great to soak in God's presence during the morning. Kofi spoke about the Holy Spirit in us, and how we should be the same Holy-Spirit-filled people whether we are at church, at home, at work or at the shops. It's so easy to believe on a Sunday, isn't it, when you are surrounded by so much wonderfully infectious and encouraging faith.
I went forward for prayer after Rachel Cole spoke how God was in the business of miracles. God's word to me was that it would happen that day, and then that word was sealed. I had already read my notebook that morning, which reminded me that God already knows all our needs (He wants us to acknowledge His involvement in our lives, and how He is our provider). So, after all that, in faith, we put what money we had left in the collection, having been reminded again of God's faith with regard to giving and receiving.
I struggled so much on Monday morning. I'd not been able to know whether the miracle had happened or not. I didn't know what to think: whether to even wonder if it had happened, just because I couldn't see any evidence of it. Had God provided for us? There was no envelope stuffed full of money on the doorstep when we got up, miraculously left there at the precise instant of our praying; there were no offers of financial gifts or loans. So, had God answered? Had He heard? Was He even there at all? My faith was hanging by a thread, and I couldn't even figure out the right thing to think. Although I knew in my heart that the right thing would be to have faith and believe we were provided for, I couldn't actually bring myself to say it out loud, let alone let myself believe it. I struggled. I felt so alone. I couldn't feel God's comforting presence, but still I hoped.
I had to go out later on in the morning, and on the way home I was still feeling so isolated and lonely. At one point I was even debating with myself whether God was real at all, or if he was just something my mind had created or allowed to exist, something to blame external occurances on just so I wouldn't go insane. Eventually I came to the conclusion that whether or not God was real, I would never be able to escape from Him, because He is such an integral part of my life.
So, having established that God was in fact real and that I agreed with myself about His existence, how could I then reconcile that with the weight on my shoulders about the miracle that was supposed to have happened on Sunday?
And why was it so difficult to get a job this time round? The last few jobs I've had have practically fallen in my lap.
So. After all that angst, Monday started to get better. I chatted to Janet Green (I could FEEL the mental hugs over the phone); discovered that I'm eligible for Jobseekers Allowance (one weight off my shoulders) and discovered that we can have a sort of payment holiday on our mortgate (for which we are currently 2 payments behind...); and I also had a call from Forsyths inviting me back for a 2nd interview. Hurrah!
All in all, I felt like an incredible amount of the weight had gone from my shoulders.
"Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you." I need to write that SO big somewhere.
It was still raining on Tuesday morning. The rain started Saturday evening, and was still going. I stood in the kitchen, wondering at how beautiful everything looked with the rain dripping off branches, and God said to me, "The dry season is over. Now it's going to Rain." It might have been a fairly obvious statement, but I know how God uses where we are to speak directly to us. Our dry season is over. We have been faithful throughout, with our tithes and offerings, whether financial or othewise, and God knows that.
And now it's going to rain blessings.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Yesterday I heard two really good lessons. The first, given by Richard, was along similar lines to something God's been reminding me of over the year - that we should be a God-fearing people. As I walk through my life, it can be really easy for me to chatter away to God about what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, how mad I am at something, how grateful I am for something. Then at other times I could be in the apartment, watching the rain thundering down outside, amazed at God's creation. But to really fear God... that was something that I've not thought about so much. That if I fear my God (our God) to the extent to which He deserves, then the rest of the world really does pale into insignificance. What have I got to fear? My fears are nothing compared to the power of God. I need to remember that more often.
The second lesson was in the evening: I went to Reach (part of the Manchester Vineyard). We were told about how God is a God of the 11th Hour, or the Last Minute. (Or in the case of Lazarus, the 11th hour plus something like 96 more hours, because he'd been dead 4 days already.) How often has God provided at the last minute? The examples we were given (to name but a few) were Abraham being provided with a ram at the last minute (knife poised), the widow being provided with oil and flour as she was preparing her last meal, Lazarus being raised from the dead. The point of these illustrations was to show that God wants the world to see His power. It's for His glory. If we only need a little, He can only give a little. If we need a lot, He can give so much more abundantly and so much more obviously - and the glory goes to Him!
The God of the Last Minute, our awesome God, a God to be feared and revered.
My God is with me always, He has promised me that. There are so many testimonies I can give to that, and my prayer is that I continue to grow in that promise - that I never forget that He is with me, and I start remembering to ask the question: do you want to give your life to Jesus?
The second lesson was in the evening: I went to Reach (part of the Manchester Vineyard). We were told about how God is a God of the 11th Hour, or the Last Minute. (Or in the case of Lazarus, the 11th hour plus something like 96 more hours, because he'd been dead 4 days already.) How often has God provided at the last minute? The examples we were given (to name but a few) were Abraham being provided with a ram at the last minute (knife poised), the widow being provided with oil and flour as she was preparing her last meal, Lazarus being raised from the dead. The point of these illustrations was to show that God wants the world to see His power. It's for His glory. If we only need a little, He can only give a little. If we need a lot, He can give so much more abundantly and so much more obviously - and the glory goes to Him!
The God of the Last Minute, our awesome God, a God to be feared and revered.
My God is with me always, He has promised me that. There are so many testimonies I can give to that, and my prayer is that I continue to grow in that promise - that I never forget that He is with me, and I start remembering to ask the question: do you want to give your life to Jesus?
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Great is Thy Faithfulness
Coming home has been a bit weird, and not at all how I expected it to be. I was expecting to feel odd and sort of disconnected, as if I didn't really belong here. I was expecting to feel really out of place and lost and swamped at Kings Church. I was expecting my house to feel like it belonged to somebody else, and that I would feel a little uncomfortable being there.
So many negative expectations... and I repent! I'm sorry!
I have already had to rebuke myself for being lazy - yesterday the old habit to get the number 11 bus back from the forum to my house was so strong I didn't even think about it. And as I stood at the bus stop waiting, I rebuked myself for being lazy and walked home (and beat the bus). One day back in Wythenshawe, and I was so nearly back in the old habitual ways of being lazy.
Makes me wonder if there's something that needs praying about specifically, a spirit of laziness in this area. That's something to think about if you're reading this, and definitely something to pray about.
Back to the negative expectations. Looking back, I'm wondering what I was thinking. I get the feeling that some of it at least was real. It's made me really notice and appreciate so much more the feeling of belonging and being home. I have not felt odd and disconnected, in fact something one person said to me was that I fitted in so naturally. Somebody else said that I looked so confident, so secure in who I am (and who I am within my marriage, because it was in the context of me being at church without Steve).
I have not felt lost and swamped at Kings Church! I have been hugged by so many people over the course of the weekend, been able to talk to so many, renewed a lot of connections and really feel like I have come home. To be able to just let go of me and lose myself in praise on sunday morning was just what I needed. And it was wonderful, to feel God moving in me and enjoying this adoration as much as I was. I was so thankful, so grateful, that God had brought me home.
Incredibly (and I was really not expecting this) my house feels like I could move back in today. It was tempting to stay there last night after being in the house all day, but there's still a lot of my things still at mum and dad's house so I sensibly went back to their place! (Big thankyou to the girls - Ee-Reh, Becky and Vicky, who have looked after our house really well!)
When we left to go to Finland last July, I was so tired - I really needed some peace and quiet, some place to reflect and to meditate and to live peacefully for a time. I believe that it's completely in line with God's ways of teaching us and leading us, that for a time we need the incredible atmosphere that I associate with Kings, and to be able to completely let go of ourselves and lose ourselves in worship and adoration of God; but sometimes God knows that we need quietness in our lives, to be able to reflect more and learn on a one-on-one basis of who He is. And I feel extremely priviledged to have been selected for that one-on-one teaching and leading. I feel like I have grown more as a daughter in God this past year than I have any other single year that I can remember. And now I'm here in Manchester, and ready for Year 2 of being in God's Training School!!
Praise God for His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning, so great is His faithfulness.
So many negative expectations... and I repent! I'm sorry!
I have already had to rebuke myself for being lazy - yesterday the old habit to get the number 11 bus back from the forum to my house was so strong I didn't even think about it. And as I stood at the bus stop waiting, I rebuked myself for being lazy and walked home (and beat the bus). One day back in Wythenshawe, and I was so nearly back in the old habitual ways of being lazy.
Makes me wonder if there's something that needs praying about specifically, a spirit of laziness in this area. That's something to think about if you're reading this, and definitely something to pray about.
Back to the negative expectations. Looking back, I'm wondering what I was thinking. I get the feeling that some of it at least was real. It's made me really notice and appreciate so much more the feeling of belonging and being home. I have not felt odd and disconnected, in fact something one person said to me was that I fitted in so naturally. Somebody else said that I looked so confident, so secure in who I am (and who I am within my marriage, because it was in the context of me being at church without Steve).
I have not felt lost and swamped at Kings Church! I have been hugged by so many people over the course of the weekend, been able to talk to so many, renewed a lot of connections and really feel like I have come home. To be able to just let go of me and lose myself in praise on sunday morning was just what I needed. And it was wonderful, to feel God moving in me and enjoying this adoration as much as I was. I was so thankful, so grateful, that God had brought me home.
Incredibly (and I was really not expecting this) my house feels like I could move back in today. It was tempting to stay there last night after being in the house all day, but there's still a lot of my things still at mum and dad's house so I sensibly went back to their place! (Big thankyou to the girls - Ee-Reh, Becky and Vicky, who have looked after our house really well!)
When we left to go to Finland last July, I was so tired - I really needed some peace and quiet, some place to reflect and to meditate and to live peacefully for a time. I believe that it's completely in line with God's ways of teaching us and leading us, that for a time we need the incredible atmosphere that I associate with Kings, and to be able to completely let go of ourselves and lose ourselves in worship and adoration of God; but sometimes God knows that we need quietness in our lives, to be able to reflect more and learn on a one-on-one basis of who He is. And I feel extremely priviledged to have been selected for that one-on-one teaching and leading. I feel like I have grown more as a daughter in God this past year than I have any other single year that I can remember. And now I'm here in Manchester, and ready for Year 2 of being in God's Training School!!
Praise God for His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning, so great is His faithfulness.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Sprucing up a CV
I applied for a job today. It took many many hours to spruce up the old CV which had lain forgotten in some dismal part of my computer's filing system since October last year, and then another hour and a half to cobble together a covering letter sounding convincing enough. I have major problems with CVs and covering letters, mainly along the lines of the whole "blowing my own trumpet". I pondered this to Steve, saying that if this was th job God wanted me to have, the one He's prepared for me etc etc, then surely I'm being a bit superlative by bigging myself up? To which Steve responded, we need to "big ourselves up" sometimes just to portray a more accurate picture of ourselves, because most of the time we play ourselves down quite a lot, in some form of trying to be more "humble". But going for a job, you need to be honest - which is a very fine line between being "humble" and being "proud". Or maybe true humbleness is just honesty of who you are and knowing your limits.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
pictures
we watched this being carved this morning in the square, there was quite a racket... i have more pictures, but for some reason only this one made it here!
here's some more pictures from the past month or so... here we have the lake as it thawed;
and when the circus came to town we went on this ride and i screamed and screamed;
here's steve's mum and dad;
and an incredible sunset from the other night.
enjoy!
here's some more pictures from the past month or so... here we have the lake as it thawed;
and when the circus came to town we went on this ride and i screamed and screamed;
here's steve's mum and dad;
and an incredible sunset from the other night.
enjoy!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
a 3-legged stool
One of my close friends sent me this in an email the other day. I thought it spoke so perfectly of how our heart should be!
God's amazing. He doesn't want our outer life to be divided up like a pie, with one slice of the pie marked "spiritual life". He's interested in ALL of us, every single part of our life. He wants to see our heart balanced, so we can learn to...
Think about a three legged stool. It can not be sat properly
or effective on unless all the legs are there and same length.
I learnt that if we are striving to chase God more than
anything else, we will loose out on relationships and the
love that God brings through relationships and that God
wants us to be with others. We can also focus too much on
others to fill the gap inside of us, which distances us
from God and also we can forget ourselves and become a
people pleaser. If we focus too much on our self then we
could become too self absorbed and worship our self and do
things in our own strength for our own glory. So God wants
us to have a balance in all this areas to be complete..
to be at peace with him , others and our self.
As well as peace, Shalom means to complete.
God's amazing. He doesn't want our outer life to be divided up like a pie, with one slice of the pie marked "spiritual life". He's interested in ALL of us, every single part of our life. He wants to see our heart balanced, so we can learn to...
Love the right thing,
At the right time,
To the right degree,
With the right kind of love.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Change
Can I change? Can the identity I call my "self" change? I got thinking about this after talking to various people, who are convinced that people can be so set in their ways that they have lost the ability to change.
But I for one hope that I can change. There are things in my character that I know still aren't right, and I know that one day they'll be dealt with.
The Bible says I can change. In fact, it commands it. "Be transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Romans 12:2). That doesn't sound like just a suggestion to me. So not only is it possible, but it's commanded of us! I suspect also that a "transformation" is much more than a little makeover. "Be transformed" - be made totally different. Be changed, completely.
But how many of us actually want to be changed? Or even see change as a necessary thing?
Do we realise how much of us isn't like Jesus? Do we accept that we need to change? Do we believe it's even possible?
Is it that, we as Christians, find it harder to accept that we can change, than a murderer who has found Jesus, or a drug addict who overcomes their addiction through Jesus' love, or an alcoholic who finds Jesus and a new will to live?
Do we think that Jesus doesn't have time for our character flaws, doesn't bother with our "small" needs, that He's more concerned with the "greater" needs of addicts and murderers? No. A murderer gave his life to Jesus while they hung, dying, at Calvary. That should tell us, should affirm to us, that nothing is impossible for God. Nothing is too hard for God.
Not that he doesn't care about the needs of those who consider themselves as "better" than murderers!
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
You can imagine a scale, reaching from down here on earth, right up to the heavens. God is at the top of that scale of "goodness". We are ALL down here on earth. By comparision, all humans are on the same level.
I suspect that if we were perfect, the earth would no longer be able to hold us here...
We, by comparision to God, are no better than thieves, rapists, murderers, addicts. We all fall short, and we all need to change. Praise God that we are saved by the blood of Jesus, that we have a hope!
But we must believe that we can change. We must have faith for it!
If we say that somebody can't change, that they are stuck in their ways, then we are disregarding what the Bible says and our unbelief can stop Jesus from affecting a change in that person.
We need to believe what the Bible says, that we can be transformed - changed completely - by the power of God, our Living God.
Nothing is impossible for God.
And it's not by our own strength that this change happens. "Not by strength, nor by might, but by My power," says the Lord. God can change us. He can make us see who we are supposed to be in Him. He shows us what parts of us are lies. He shows us that we can change. And then, He changes us.
We are no longer who we were, who the world made us. We become who God intended us to be. And who better for us to be!
But I for one hope that I can change. There are things in my character that I know still aren't right, and I know that one day they'll be dealt with.
The Bible says I can change. In fact, it commands it. "Be transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Romans 12:2). That doesn't sound like just a suggestion to me. So not only is it possible, but it's commanded of us! I suspect also that a "transformation" is much more than a little makeover. "Be transformed" - be made totally different. Be changed, completely.
But how many of us actually want to be changed? Or even see change as a necessary thing?
Do we realise how much of us isn't like Jesus? Do we accept that we need to change? Do we believe it's even possible?
Is it that, we as Christians, find it harder to accept that we can change, than a murderer who has found Jesus, or a drug addict who overcomes their addiction through Jesus' love, or an alcoholic who finds Jesus and a new will to live?
Do we think that Jesus doesn't have time for our character flaws, doesn't bother with our "small" needs, that He's more concerned with the "greater" needs of addicts and murderers? No. A murderer gave his life to Jesus while they hung, dying, at Calvary. That should tell us, should affirm to us, that nothing is impossible for God. Nothing is too hard for God.
Not that he doesn't care about the needs of those who consider themselves as "better" than murderers!
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)
You can imagine a scale, reaching from down here on earth, right up to the heavens. God is at the top of that scale of "goodness". We are ALL down here on earth. By comparision, all humans are on the same level.
I suspect that if we were perfect, the earth would no longer be able to hold us here...
We, by comparision to God, are no better than thieves, rapists, murderers, addicts. We all fall short, and we all need to change. Praise God that we are saved by the blood of Jesus, that we have a hope!
But we must believe that we can change. We must have faith for it!
If we say that somebody can't change, that they are stuck in their ways, then we are disregarding what the Bible says and our unbelief can stop Jesus from affecting a change in that person.
We need to believe what the Bible says, that we can be transformed - changed completely - by the power of God, our Living God.
Nothing is impossible for God.
And it's not by our own strength that this change happens. "Not by strength, nor by might, but by My power," says the Lord. God can change us. He can make us see who we are supposed to be in Him. He shows us what parts of us are lies. He shows us that we can change. And then, He changes us.
We are no longer who we were, who the world made us. We become who God intended us to be. And who better for us to be!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Yesterdays
I've just been and had a look at the display of handicraft here at the Culture Centre. It's pretty impressive. I kinda wish I'd been more aware of what was on offer, there were pieces of stained glass and other glass-work, dressmaking, feltmaking, so much art and craft that my little skirts seemed to fade into the background even though I was so proud of them! There was just so much more than I realised.
Yesterday was my last Finnish lesson. We had a little party, and ate food, and tried to converse in Finnish - some of my classmates were definitely more competent at it than me - and we were all a little sad at the end. We've exchanged email addresses, and I hope we keep in touch, at the very least for as long as we're here in Iisalmi! But the whole thing has got me thinking about going home, and my hopes and fears in that. I actually had cravings for England yesterday, which made Steve laugh. (So far, only sausage rolls...)
And I got a surprise at the youth band practice. Hanna wants me to learn and sing a song (in Finnish) that no-body else wants to master. She played it me on a CD and my first reactions were disbelief, shock, is she mad? But I think I'm conquering it. There's some difficult words, and an even trickier melody, and I've got to really sing this one in a way as to be able to completely convince people that I totally understand what it's saying. But it feels a bit weird, that no-body else can or wants to try and sing this song - so they get the foreigner to try?! Well, it's certainly made me rise to the challenge...
Oh yes, and a little footnote... we had another snowstorm today. Very very strange.
Yesterday was my last Finnish lesson. We had a little party, and ate food, and tried to converse in Finnish - some of my classmates were definitely more competent at it than me - and we were all a little sad at the end. We've exchanged email addresses, and I hope we keep in touch, at the very least for as long as we're here in Iisalmi! But the whole thing has got me thinking about going home, and my hopes and fears in that. I actually had cravings for England yesterday, which made Steve laugh. (So far, only sausage rolls...)
And I got a surprise at the youth band practice. Hanna wants me to learn and sing a song (in Finnish) that no-body else wants to master. She played it me on a CD and my first reactions were disbelief, shock, is she mad? But I think I'm conquering it. There's some difficult words, and an even trickier melody, and I've got to really sing this one in a way as to be able to completely convince people that I totally understand what it's saying. But it feels a bit weird, that no-body else can or wants to try and sing this song - so they get the foreigner to try?! Well, it's certainly made me rise to the challenge...
Oh yes, and a little footnote... we had another snowstorm today. Very very strange.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
pictures of freedom
i wanted to write down a picture i had, about freedom.
i was lying in bed on saturday night, thinking about Easter Sunday. the choir was going to sing, and i was playing bass, and i wondered what it would take for the girls in the choir to really feel free. isn't that what Easter is about, anyway? freedom?
but then i started dreaming or daydreaming or something.
i was in a huge building. i knew all of the corridors, all of the rooms, i knew where everything went and where everything lived. this was my life. my whole life. and this was my prison.
and then, suddenly, one day, i wasn't there any more. i was outside. somebody had opened the door and let me out. and outside it was a beautiful sunny day, and as far as i could see there was grass and plains. so beautiful. then i realised i couldn't go back inside, because the door was locked. i was stuck, in freedom. the walls of the building i knew so well were very high - no chance of me climbing back in, and the door was tough and strong, no chance of me breaking it down. i was outside, and that was that. i had been freed, and suddenly freedom was scary.
so i started building a fence in my new freedom, a little fence to make me feel safer. i still wanted to be in control of my freedom, and wanted boundaries that would make me feel comfortable. my fences were very nice.
but i'd put myself back in a prison, this time of my own making. i'd also refused God's offer of true freedom, and made pointless the suffering He went through on the Cross.
then God showed me what true freedom was, how it felt, and why He wanted me to be free. suddenly i was running across the plains, like wild horses run - for the sheer joy of it! breathing, living, excited, ALIVE. and all for the sheer joy of it! i realised freedom wasn't something to be scared of, it was something to relish, to enjoy, to live in, to breathe in and out in, to just BE in. and i loved the running, the feeling of breathlessness that comes with the sheer exuberance of living and breathing and being alive.
so wonderful!
after thinking about this most of the night, i started thinking how it related to praise, and why we praise God. so many songs that we sing say something along the lines of "we praise You for what You have done" but i never really dwell on what it is that He has done. so what has God done? He has set us free, given us the opportunity to really be free, to run and breathe and live and be really truly alive. we praise God first and foremost because He is worth it. we praise His name, and we give thanks because He has set us free. i'm so grateful that here there is no law against praising God, that i'm allowed to praise in freedom from the state.
praise God, i'm free!
i was lying in bed on saturday night, thinking about Easter Sunday. the choir was going to sing, and i was playing bass, and i wondered what it would take for the girls in the choir to really feel free. isn't that what Easter is about, anyway? freedom?
but then i started dreaming or daydreaming or something.
i was in a huge building. i knew all of the corridors, all of the rooms, i knew where everything went and where everything lived. this was my life. my whole life. and this was my prison.
and then, suddenly, one day, i wasn't there any more. i was outside. somebody had opened the door and let me out. and outside it was a beautiful sunny day, and as far as i could see there was grass and plains. so beautiful. then i realised i couldn't go back inside, because the door was locked. i was stuck, in freedom. the walls of the building i knew so well were very high - no chance of me climbing back in, and the door was tough and strong, no chance of me breaking it down. i was outside, and that was that. i had been freed, and suddenly freedom was scary.
so i started building a fence in my new freedom, a little fence to make me feel safer. i still wanted to be in control of my freedom, and wanted boundaries that would make me feel comfortable. my fences were very nice.
but i'd put myself back in a prison, this time of my own making. i'd also refused God's offer of true freedom, and made pointless the suffering He went through on the Cross.
then God showed me what true freedom was, how it felt, and why He wanted me to be free. suddenly i was running across the plains, like wild horses run - for the sheer joy of it! breathing, living, excited, ALIVE. and all for the sheer joy of it! i realised freedom wasn't something to be scared of, it was something to relish, to enjoy, to live in, to breathe in and out in, to just BE in. and i loved the running, the feeling of breathlessness that comes with the sheer exuberance of living and breathing and being alive.
so wonderful!
after thinking about this most of the night, i started thinking how it related to praise, and why we praise God. so many songs that we sing say something along the lines of "we praise You for what You have done" but i never really dwell on what it is that He has done. so what has God done? He has set us free, given us the opportunity to really be free, to run and breathe and live and be really truly alive. we praise God first and foremost because He is worth it. we praise His name, and we give thanks because He has set us free. i'm so grateful that here there is no law against praising God, that i'm allowed to praise in freedom from the state.
praise God, i'm free!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
what jeni did
there's a couple of posts below with pictures of the fabric i've been painting over the last week or so, but i realised that i've not really updated from finland for a while.
i guess the biggest thing is that it's still snowing.
yes, in april. we're gonna have easter with snow!! how weird will that be...
the PA in church is up and running, except now the mixing desk is dying a slow a painful death. which means an opportunity to buy a new one! hurrah! we also now have foldback. now THAT's gonna be fun. it works, although one of the mixer channels doesn't work :( so we only have one foldback mix. but hopefully it will help the various music groups that sing at church.
it was great on monday night, i have been coerced into playing bass on sunday with the choir (so no mic for me) and i was right next to a foldback speaker, the guitar amp, the piano and with the choir behind me so i was able to sing my heart out. i love the freedom that i feel when i can really sing out like that :) and when i spoke to steve later, i asked whether he could hear my voice through the sound, and he could still! he was pleased that i was actually singing like i could, rather than holding back. and i'm pleased, because i'm singing another part to the choir so even though i won't have a microphone, the congregation will still hear my part.
i guess the biggest thing is that it's still snowing.
yes, in april. we're gonna have easter with snow!! how weird will that be...
the PA in church is up and running, except now the mixing desk is dying a slow a painful death. which means an opportunity to buy a new one! hurrah! we also now have foldback. now THAT's gonna be fun. it works, although one of the mixer channels doesn't work :( so we only have one foldback mix. but hopefully it will help the various music groups that sing at church.
it was great on monday night, i have been coerced into playing bass on sunday with the choir (so no mic for me) and i was right next to a foldback speaker, the guitar amp, the piano and with the choir behind me so i was able to sing my heart out. i love the freedom that i feel when i can really sing out like that :) and when i spoke to steve later, i asked whether he could hear my voice through the sound, and he could still! he was pleased that i was actually singing like i could, rather than holding back. and i'm pleased, because i'm singing another part to the choir so even though i won't have a microphone, the congregation will still hear my part.
more pics
this is what i did while i was learning about fabric graphics. fabric for 2 skirts! the pink background was the first part (that was so much fun) and then learning how to create stencils and using the right goo to stencil on the patterns. hurrah- and now i have 2 summer skirts, plus a matching pink bag :) - pictures later once my model has a free day and it's stopped snowing so we can take pictures in the sunshine!
pictures of fabric graphics
this is what i've been doing today in the basement at church :) - i've been having fun! my friend Salla came along too, and we spent a couple of hours painting the backgrounds for some banners for church. i've only just learnt how to do this, so to be asked to use my new skill for church is great!
this one is a large 2x3m banner for the front of church, i stencilled the cross on today. it'll be up there hanging on Easter sunday!
and this is the beginning of a pastel piece for one of the pastors and his wife, Charles and Paula. they have been such great friends to us while we've been here in Iisalmi, andi wanted to give something back to them.
this one is a large 2x3m banner for the front of church, i stencilled the cross on today. it'll be up there hanging on Easter sunday!
and this is the beginning of a pastel piece for one of the pastors and his wife, Charles and Paula. they have been such great friends to us while we've been here in Iisalmi, andi wanted to give something back to them.
Monday, April 03, 2006
radical Christians
maybe I'll talk about what radical means.
radical comes from the word "root". so, to be a radical Christian you need to be rooted. rooted in what? rooted in the Word of God, and rooted in your faith in Jesus as your Saviour. once you are firmly rooted, you have all the nourishment you need, drawing from the deep wells of God's grace and mercy and love, to be a "radical" "out there" passionate living Christian!
radical comes from the word "root". so, to be a radical Christian you need to be rooted. rooted in what? rooted in the Word of God, and rooted in your faith in Jesus as your Saviour. once you are firmly rooted, you have all the nourishment you need, drawing from the deep wells of God's grace and mercy and love, to be a "radical" "out there" passionate living Christian!
why do i have a second blog, and what am i going to write about...
what to write about. so many things happen on a daily basis. saturday i spent most of the day here at Genelec on the internet, sunday we went skiing, today i've been doing my english tutoring, and now i'm killing time waiting for cake. mmm cake.
why do i have a second blog, and what am i going to write about...
what to write about. so many things happen on a daily basis. saturday i spent most of the day here at Genelec on the internet, sunday we went skiing, today i've been doing my english tutoring, and now i'm killing time waiting for cake. mmm cake.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
back home ... where is home anyway
so for those of you who followed that link, yes i still exist on blogspot and maybe one day i will move back here!
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