Downhill all the way...?

Some years ago my grandma started to lose her mind. It started with little things. Mum would do her shopping, and grandma would always ask for the same things. Mum got a little suspicious, thinking that grandma was eating a lot of cereal every week, and discovered boxes and boxes of unopened cereal. And all sorts of things turning green in the fridge. It got worse, as it generally does. There was the forgetting how to use the kettle and using a pan on the hob instead, there was the forgetting to turn the grill off. There was the stuffing and hiding of biscuits into her handbag, and losing keys because she'd taken them out and put them back somewhere else. Now grandma is in a home and mum says that every time she visits she doesn't know how the visit is going to end. It all depends on how frightened grandma gets that she can't remember things. It must be awful, knowing that you can't remember things. Not being able to remember where you live, or why you don't live at home anymore.

Sometimes I do silly things and it brings grandma back to mind. Like locking myself out of the house, or going to the wrong shop. Today it was eggs. I always need eggs. So I bought some more and now I've just had to rearrange the cupboard to fit the box in next to the other 2 boxes of eggs I already have. I forget what I'm doing, or why I'm doing something, and am so easily distracted that I leave half-finished tasks all over the place. I occasionally remember to drink the cup of tea that I've spent most of the morning trying to make (filter water, boil water, add water to teapot, remember teabag, brew, pour, milk, drink. So many places for distraction to leave the job half done...).

I hope it gets better before it gets worse.

Getting Fit

I sent off some updated profiles for inclusion on the CityLinks website the other day. And then I got an email back saying "Is the title of your album Getting Fit?" I was rather surprised.... No, it's just called Jeni. Getting Fit sounds like a useful album title to keep hold of though.

On other Getting Fit news, I went to the gym yesterday for my induction (first Appointment with a trainer) and was measured and weighed and questions filled in and forms answered and set on the rowing machine. "Have you been out rowing actually on water?" Yes, I had - and I loved it, and miss the lake in Iisalmi. Apparently you can tell if somebody's been on the water because they have good technique on the machine :) AND apparently they go rowing down the river so I might have to investigate that, I enjoyed rowing. How pleased was I! Anyway I had a good time: I have a very cute trainer, I'm fitter than I thought although my legs don't have much muscle in them, and I'm going again this morning for the fabulous BodyPump class.

Steve on the other hand.... he did the truffle shuffle last night (anyone remember that?) and got very despondent about the state of his belly. Good news is that he's doing rugby training so it will be a yummy washboard by Christmas.

Information Overload vs New Friend

I've had a good week. Last Wednesday Steve's aunt came to visit for a few days, and we spent a good amount of time walking around Steyning. She also, when I was occupied with housework and accounts, went round most of the village "just picking up" information that we might find useful. I have to admit it was a sweet thought, especially as the full amount of free time that I've spent just wandering around amounts up to a single morning when the car died. But I felt inundated with information about the local Anglican church, the Steyning Centre (where there are numerous mums and tots groups, a choir, various societies including photographic and art and flower arranging and much more) and it didn't stop there. I know she didn't mean to, but I did feel very much as if I was being organised and arranged and my social life sorted out for me. I've had heart-to-hearts with Steve about this, he used to do this with me too - organise my social life for me, and make it very difficult (without meaning to) for me to say no to something.

Yesterday I went to see Gina, a white Zimbabwean lady. I met her and her husband at Jubilee and while at first Steve and I thought we really had nothing in common apart from we both lived in Steyning, I had a really wonderful time yesterday afternoon drinking tea and chatting about all sorts of things. Turns out she's a very creative lady, and also musical and had written songs in the past....... and they have a keyboard which I'm welcome to go and play (in return for a little bit of tutoring in playing piano!) and we're going to go walking together a couple of times a week. And maybe she'll overcome her fear of gym classes and come with me one time! She works at the grammar school and during conversation I said I'd been working at a grammer school, in the reprographics department - and discover that they're looking for a part time reprographics assistant! I could do that!!! Part time suits me absolutely fine, I guess I just need to get out of the house a little. And the grammar school is also an adult education centre and they do loads of classes including pottery! And plenty of art or craft classes.

It was wonderful because all this information came from somebody who was enthusiastic about it and did it herself and wasn't just trying to fix me up with something to do. Oh dear, I feel like I'm bashing Steve's aunt a bit.... I'm not, and I love her to bits, but I just think she can't help herself!!

We can't go to Gina's cell group because they meet on a thursday (Steve does rugby training on a Thursday and I go to the pub with them afterwards) but maybe that's a good thing. It means I get to meet more people! Must remember to call the church office this morning and talk to someone about cell groups......

Diabulimia

I've just been reading a piece in the Times about "diabulimia", where a Type 1 diabetic (usually a young, female one) deliberately skips insulin injections to lose weight quickly, ignoring the long-term consequences (or being ignorant of them) of blindness, kidney failure and various other nasties. The girl who was interviewed for the piece is amazing. She's been there, done that, and amazingly she's not done much long term damage other than giving her body a battering.

But it's what she said about diabetes that I really understood. It's annoying having to tell people that you're diabetic - that's usually the only way that they'll remember not to put sugar in your tea, or get you a diet coke instead of regular. It's annoying because once you tell people they assume you won't want a biscuit or a slice of cake, and offer you sugar free rubbish which is probably worse for you anyway due to all the sweeteners in it. I'm lucky because I've lived with a diabetic dad so it's not a stigma for me as such, but I do wish people would treat me normally - but with a sugar-free (and alcohol free) drinks option as the norm. (And not just water.)

I'm still fed up about the whole cholesterol thing. Steve likes his butter and his full cream milk. We went out for fish and chips last night even though I didn't fancy it (nothing at all to do with the cholesterol of course) and I didn't enjoy them, I just felt guilty. I feel guilty at having milk in my tea instead of the soya stuff (which isn't that bad). I feel guilty enough if I forget to take my tablet in the morning, or if I forget to eat, but now it's getting ridiculous. I've conditioned myself to not feel guilty about eating a jaffa cake but I feel bad after eating a peperami stick.

I wish that I could just carry on eating what I think is a pretty balanced diet - I don't have takeaways every night, I don't drink much alcohol at all, I make our meals from scratch, I bake my own bread quite a lot, I make sure that all our meals have vegetables in them. I get myself to the gym every so often, I enjoy going for walks and I wish I could just not feel guilty about enjoying food and life. I'm sure guilt increases your cholesterol levels.

Genius. Fat-Free, but Genius nonetheless.

Keeta is responsible for this. And a couple of others. But mainly Keeta. Following on from reading her post on boredom and IQ I noticed someone had added the IQ Test application on Facebook so, out of boredom and as the rain was indeed hurling itself at my windows (although that really has very little to do with it) I decided to test my IQ. Not expecting much, reckoned I would be about average, I was a little surprised to get a result of 139 (completed in 10 minutes, 27 out of 30 correct). Borderline genius. (Genius is 140+.) Hmm, I wondered, was this facebook effort to be believed? So. Enter www.iqtest.com. The home of the original online IQ test. Hmm, I thought, maybe this will be more accurate.

141.

I am a Genius.

Jeni Goes Low-Fat.

Oh the shame of it - the doctor has ordered that I should not go for the full-fat, full-cream, options any more. I went in to get the results of my latest set of blood tests and the fasting bloods were 9.6 which is not good, and the cholesterol was 8. Not good. Worse than last time too. I'm still resisting statins - I think pride has something to do with that - but the doctor's thoughts were to get me on insulin for the diabetes rather than just because we want to start a family.

And the surgery is debating the whole "is she a MODY or just an unusual type 1" thing again. I've had at least 3 sets of medics debating this already and they've all come to the conclusion so far that I'm neither, I'm just odd. The nurse at the surgery here thinks I'm an unusual type 1, and the doctor has decided he doesn't know what to do with me so I'm being referred to a specialist.

Bah humbug. I guess some healings take a little while to prove.

Going to buy some soya milk tonight. If I've got to go for the low fat option I've got to be so careful. Most things in the shops go like this: Sugar free = high fat; Fat free = high sugar content. Food generally has to have one or the other to stop it tasting horrible. I wish there could be some nice properly balanced food which is neither high fat or high sugar, just normal amounts of both. However once I'm on insulin the theory is that I can go for the low fat option and not worry about the sugar content. The doctor went on a fair bit about the dangers of insulin - very real dangers and I suppose he's bound to talk about them - but it gets depressing when you hear the same thing again and again about you must be careful not to take too much or you'll end up in a hypo. And a new one that I heard - putting me onto insulin increases my fertility?!! That is a new one to me. I've not had that one before. That's not really why I'm going on to insulin, and I'd never even considered it before, and it's not something that I really needed to hear!! "Oh you're diabetic, oh that means your fertility will be affected." Gee, thanks, just what I needed to hear on top of my cholesterol is too high and my fasting sugars are higher than normal too. He didn't mention any of the dangerous situations that can arise during pregnancy if your blood sugar isn't under control, or the effect that uncontrolled blood sugar can have on your unborn child. No, it was "your fertility can be affected". I'm not that interested in my fertility - well I am, but you have to put these things into perspective against the possible effects that the diabetes could have on a baby.

Sigh. Life is life. And from tonight (when we go shopping), life is low-fat.

Panic Attacks and other things

Went to Manchester this weekend and the troops were marvellous. We have cleared the downstairs! (Well nearly, just a handful of odds and ends. Maybe one box worth.) Upstairs is doing well too, nearly empty as well. The only room left really to sort out is the attic and even that's doing well! And, amazingly, I didn't get stressed. We sorted a couple of car loads out, took all my pots and planters to my parents' house, and took a carload back to Steyning. AND, most importantly, tidied up the house before we left. That causes stress, knowing that I've left the house in a mess.

Was just listening to Jeremy Vine today: one of the topics on his show today was panic attacks. I listened because it was quite interesting and then suddenly it was like a light switched on and I realised that I've been having panic attacks, it seems Steve's been aware of this for a while but I didn't think that they were actual panic attacks. I just sort of joked about them (in the way you do when you're in denial about something) and didn't think much about it. But hearing somebody else describe exactly what I do when I'm crippled with panic and fear just made me stop. I get minor panic attacks in shops or on busy streets or sometimes in church when there's lots of people around. I remember seeing a program years ago about what happens to your brain when you get older (much older, not twenties - think seventies or eighties) and you just lose the ability to process all the visual and audio information that's bombarding you whenever you leave the sanctuary of your home. I remember thinking then that I could identify with that already - I feel bombarded and bewildered and overwhelmed by noise and sights and sometimes I just can't cope. A good way for me to cope with that is to put my hood up and pretend it's not there but then you can't see all the people who are about to push past you on a busy shopping street or see what traffic's coming.

But I just remembered the Slopes of Doom which I laugh about nervously. I was so completely crippled with fear, crouching down, couldn't even bring myself to stand up - just so terrified that I was going to fall or slip or otherwise go crashing down this slippery slope in front of me. Poor Steve had to coax me like a - well, I was going to say child, but kids were running down the slope in front of me. Those attacks don't happen very often thank goodness, and the minor ones are happening less and less - I associate them with having low blood sugar and thus just not being able to process what's going on around me, rather than all-out panic attacks.

How strange. I wonder what causes these attacks, whether there is a real underlying fear? I remember feeling an attack coming on in Finland, Sanni was trying to get me to ski down this tiny tiny tiny little slope (and it was only cross-country skiing, not downhill) and my legs locked up and I felt like I was going to cry. I think I did cry the next time, when it was Steve who took me out. I seem to have issues with going downhill. One day I'll overcome them properly.

Progress and Results

Well I am not making good progress with flash - I can follow the tutorials no problem, but I've not taken it slow enough to understand what I'm doing. Next step is to do the tutorials again, slower, so that I can process what I'm doing...

In the land of Entwistle all is good though. On average. Steve went rugby training last night and came home complaining that he felt like the hunchback of notredame, as well as having bumps on his head and scratches all over. Stepped on a few players as well, mainly his own team - I think he's got a bit of practising to do! But he's ok this morning. I'm glad he's started training again, it won't be long before he's got no hint of a belly again. Sigh. It takes him less than 6 weeks to get back into shape if he's not done any training for a while, and it takes me far far longer than that usually. Well - let's see what bodypump twice a week does for me.

Got a letter from the docs last week saying they'd had the results of my latest set of blood tests and that they want to see me... I guess it's not major, as they'd have called me in pronto if I looked like I was about to die or something. But the appointment is for Monday coming. I can't remember the last time I was actually called in to see a doctor. Maybe it's because I'm a new patient and he just wants to say hello and go over a few things with me such as "you really need to cut down on the Jaffa cakes."

Never Stop Learning

I'm actually working today. Learning stuff. I do have other things I need to get done, but this is interesting. I'm learning about Flash - I downloaded a trial of a flash builder some years ago and never got round to learning how to work with it, and now a new version has been released and they're doing their best to get people interested enough to buy it. Well, I downloaded the trial last week (I think) and have finally got round to having a play. I have decided that if I can learn the basics enough to be competent at creating a simple interactive site within the trial period (or I get to the end and am infuriated that the trial has run out) then I might invest and buy the software.

About 2 weeks left on the trial.

And then maybe updating the purpledancer website won't be so difficult. Design it in Quark, make it work using flash. I wonder what the final code looks like for flash.

Things to do when bored.

My but today has been difficult. It rained all morning and I have felt thoroughly unmotivated. Despite this I have been to the shops, found the post sorting office, made dough for bread and pizza, and read the paper. And looked at the website for the Ice Hotel. And created my own selection of things to do and where to stay which includes staying for a night in an Ice Hotel room, and a warm room the following night, a 4 hour snowmobile search for the Northern Lights including a 3 course wilderness meal, and tuition in ice-driving in a Saab 9.3. Comes to about SEK 16500,- which is about £1200 for two nights and the activities and doesn't include getting there. But it sounds like fun...