Distraction...

We spent the weekend collecting all the last bits and pieces for baby, like cots and buggys and nappies. God came with us, although it didn't feel like it at the time... when we finally made it to Ikea on Saturday evening, the cot we'd decided we wanted wasn't in stock! Grrr. So we had to choose a different one, and then we had to choose a different changing table as a result.

But, yesterday, when we were (well, Steve was) building the stuff, we realised that if we'd bought the cot and dresser that we originally wanted it would have fitted in the space available but wouldn't have been very practical as it had drawers which would have been particularly awkward to open.

Good job that cot wasn't in stock...

So yet again our bedroom is a bit of a squeeze. It's possible to get round everywhere, which is pretty amazing really, but there's no room now for being messy. (Just you watch though, we'll find a way to be messy.)

I think all the rushing round and the lurgy and various other things over the past few weeks finally caught up with me yesterday afternoon. I had a few horrible moments: fighting off panic about the reality of nearly being a parent, and then wondering if baby would love me. And in the evening, after a beautifully relaxing afternoon in the teashop, I found myself panicking again - baby will be here in 3 weeks' time. We're going to be parents. I nearly cried. I can't imagine what it's going to be like. I feel like the not being prepared materially has been masking the horrible feeling of not being at all prepared mentally - but now we've got all the material paraphernalia, there's no hiding any more from the realisation that with every moment, we get a moment closer to being parents. Will we be good parents? Will we "bond" with baby? What will baby be like, will he be a screamer or a giggler? Just how exhausted are we going to be? Panic....

You can prepare as much as you like, materially; but there's no amount of preparation can prepare you mentally and psychologically for the reality of becoming a parent for the first time. Steve and I have been married a month and a half shy of 8 years, and with the 2 years that we were dating before that makes nearly a decade of it just being the two of us. We've had great fun: we've lived, we've learnt, we've loved - we've enjoyed life together. And all of a sudden, it's going to be 3. Ok so baby's technically here already - he's wriggling around in my belly making his presence known, but within a month he's going to be announcing his presence to the world wherever we go. Our whole world is going to change. I was talking to my dad last week, he remembers when I was born - their whole world changed, turned upside down, everything revolved around me instead of around themselves.

That's quite a big change, especially if you've spent the last 10 years just the two of you.

But then, thinking about it, maybe sometimes our brains are wired up for this kind of thing. For the first 3rd of my life, my life was about me and it took time to learn that it wasn't just about me. The second 3rd of my life was about how I fitted in to the rest of my little world, and discovering boys. Relationships became important, I didn't want to be just me, I wanted to be part of a relationship. This last 3rd of my life so far has been in the context of an amazing relationship with the man I love, my life has been shared.

I can't imagine what it's going to be like to share my life with a little man as well...

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.