Feeling Blue

I guess really I'm just tired and need a proper break away from everything but I have no idea why I'm feeling so down at the moment.

I have a happy husband with a great job, a great boss and great support from his uni where he's trying to finish off his degree; I have a beautiful healthy baby growing inside, my husband loves me and loves baby-bumpy, everything's perfect.

And still the tears are coming. I feel like my brain is jumping all over the place just so that I don't cry for a bit, bouncing from subject to subject but as soon as it runs out of things to think about I just start crying again.

I think one of the things that has set me off just recently is reading a blog post from a woman who really wanted a girl this time around, she already has two boys and is now expecting a third boy.

Ever since before Steve and I were married I've dreamed of having a baby girl. Steve had a dream one night, that we'd got married and had a baby girl - and it prompted him to propose to me. I've still got that letter he sent me, with the dream in it and the proposal.

So for over 9 years I've dreamt of having a girl...

When we went for the 20wk scan, I asked if they could tell what sex it was - and there was his little willy. I cried the rest of the day, I couldn't believe baby wasn't a girl. It took me a few weeks to re-align my thinking to cope with this development, and I thought I'd laid it to rest - but that b post has made me realise I've not really dealt with it as well as I thought I had, I'd just not thought about it instead of dealing with it.

And then to see his enormous balls on the scan today.

Ain't no doubt the kid's a He.

Yes I'm glad that he's fine and growing perfectly and everything, glad he's healthy, amazingly glad and blessed that we're able to have children at all, but I so wanted a girl... and I feel so selfish thinking that.

I also feel kind of relieved having been able to say it out loud. Steve kind of understands... at least he's being sympathetic and not just telling me to stop being silly.

I think the other thing that contributed this morning was that it felt so much like an anticlimax, all the waiting and waiting for maybe 20 minutes total of actually seeing anybody, to be told everything's fine, please test your blood sugar more often, go home. By that point I'd almost forgotten we'd even seen our baby this morning.

So. Heart poured out. I'm going to do some more distraction therapy this afternoon and put off thinking about it some more. Maybe go buy some plants to replace the ones damaged in the wind this week... maybe go shopping... maybe go for a walk... maybe not go for a walk, far too much thinking time...