Honesty

Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says, "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?

I went for a job interview on Monday (the 3rd job I've been interviewed for so far) for a town planning company. The interview was really good, I knew it was a job that I could do well, the company was interesting, the work sounded interesting, the benefits were great - it sounded really really good (plus it was a good salary, always useful). They said that they would draw up a shortlist of applicants for a second interview and let me know, via the agency.

I've just received the phonecall from the agency and I'm really upset.

I was perfect for the job. Absolutely perfect. I was the person they were looking for. Apart from, I was honest (too honest, according to the agency) by saying that potentially in a year's time we might be looking at relocating, according to where Steve was offered work in his Acoustics profession.

And, that put them off.

So I am torn, really torn.

What am I supposed to do? Lie by omission and then cause bad feeling a year down the line by suddenly announcing that I'm upping and leaving because Steve's been offered a job somewhere else? Do I go into a job purely for my benefit - i.e. not telling them about the fact that it's very likely that I'll only be around for one year? That was what the lady at the job agency told me to do just now.

Or do I go for a job interview thinking, "what can I offer this company" (rather than, "what can this company offer me") and be honest about where I see the future going?

While I was in Finland it was prophesied over me about being purity and truth (not being pure and truthful, but being purity and truth) so I feel I can now hardly go into an interview and lie, even by omission. Besides, to do that would feel so utterly utterly wrong.

I am standing out from the crowd by being honest, and right now it just seems like that has been thrown right back in my face.

I suppose I can consider it an answer to prayer in some way, because we did pray at cell the other week that doors that I was not meant to go through would be closed firmly. It just feels like this one has been closed rather forcefully - slammed in my face, as you might say.
I'm still waiting to hear from Forsyths, who promised me they'd let me know either way early this week. Maybe they're struggling too with the fact that I was honest.

Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?

I know God has promised us blessings, but this "blessing" hurts.

Miracles

It's been a fraught couple of weeks. It's just over 2 weeks since we're been back in the UK.
By Saturday we realised that we desperately needed some kind of financial miracle if we were to stay afloat, and after a few tears of frustration (on my part) we agreed to pray and then not let fear spoil our day. Needless to say, money played on our minds quite a lot during Saturday.

Sunday came and I was still praying for a miracle. However it was great to soak in God's presence during the morning. Kofi spoke about the Holy Spirit in us, and how we should be the same Holy-Spirit-filled people whether we are at church, at home, at work or at the shops. It's so easy to believe on a Sunday, isn't it, when you are surrounded by so much wonderfully infectious and encouraging faith.

I went forward for prayer after Rachel Cole spoke how God was in the business of miracles. God's word to me was that it would happen that day, and then that word was sealed. I had already read my notebook that morning, which reminded me that God already knows all our needs (He wants us to acknowledge His involvement in our lives, and how He is our provider). So, after all that, in faith, we put what money we had left in the collection, having been reminded again of God's faith with regard to giving and receiving.

I struggled so much on Monday morning. I'd not been able to know whether the miracle had happened or not. I didn't know what to think: whether to even wonder if it had happened, just because I couldn't see any evidence of it. Had God provided for us? There was no envelope stuffed full of money on the doorstep when we got up, miraculously left there at the precise instant of our praying; there were no offers of financial gifts or loans. So, had God answered? Had He heard? Was He even there at all? My faith was hanging by a thread, and I couldn't even figure out the right thing to think. Although I knew in my heart that the right thing would be to have faith and believe we were provided for, I couldn't actually bring myself to say it out loud, let alone let myself believe it. I struggled. I felt so alone. I couldn't feel God's comforting presence, but still I hoped.

I had to go out later on in the morning, and on the way home I was still feeling so isolated and lonely. At one point I was even debating with myself whether God was real at all, or if he was just something my mind had created or allowed to exist, something to blame external occurances on just so I wouldn't go insane. Eventually I came to the conclusion that whether or not God was real, I would never be able to escape from Him, because He is such an integral part of my life.

So, having established that God was in fact real and that I agreed with myself about His existence, how could I then reconcile that with the weight on my shoulders about the miracle that was supposed to have happened on Sunday?

And why was it so difficult to get a job this time round? The last few jobs I've had have practically fallen in my lap.

So. After all that angst, Monday started to get better. I chatted to Janet Green (I could FEEL the mental hugs over the phone); discovered that I'm eligible for Jobseekers Allowance (one weight off my shoulders) and discovered that we can have a sort of payment holiday on our mortgate (for which we are currently 2 payments behind...); and I also had a call from Forsyths inviting me back for a 2nd interview. Hurrah!

All in all, I felt like an incredible amount of the weight had gone from my shoulders.

"Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you." I need to write that SO big somewhere.

It was still raining on Tuesday morning. The rain started Saturday evening, and was still going. I stood in the kitchen, wondering at how beautiful everything looked with the rain dripping off branches, and God said to me, "The dry season is over. Now it's going to Rain." It might have been a fairly obvious statement, but I know how God uses where we are to speak directly to us. Our dry season is over. We have been faithful throughout, with our tithes and offerings, whether financial or othewise, and God knows that.

And now it's going to rain blessings.

Yesterday I heard two really good lessons. The first, given by Richard, was along similar lines to something God's been reminding me of over the year - that we should be a God-fearing people. As I walk through my life, it can be really easy for me to chatter away to God about what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, how mad I am at something, how grateful I am for something. Then at other times I could be in the apartment, watching the rain thundering down outside, amazed at God's creation. But to really fear God... that was something that I've not thought about so much. That if I fear my God (our God) to the extent to which He deserves, then the rest of the world really does pale into insignificance. What have I got to fear? My fears are nothing compared to the power of God. I need to remember that more often.

The second lesson was in the evening: I went to Reach (part of the Manchester Vineyard). We were told about how God is a God of the 11th Hour, or the Last Minute. (Or in the case of Lazarus, the 11th hour plus something like 96 more hours, because he'd been dead 4 days already.) How often has God provided at the last minute? The examples we were given (to name but a few) were Abraham being provided with a ram at the last minute (knife poised), the widow being provided with oil and flour as she was preparing her last meal, Lazarus being raised from the dead. The point of these illustrations was to show that God wants the world to see His power. It's for His glory. If we only need a little, He can only give a little. If we need a lot, He can give so much more abundantly and so much more obviously - and the glory goes to Him!

The God of the Last Minute, our awesome God, a God to be feared and revered.

My God is with me always, He has promised me that. There are so many testimonies I can give to that, and my prayer is that I continue to grow in that promise - that I never forget that He is with me, and I start remembering to ask the question: do you want to give your life to Jesus?

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Coming home has been a bit weird, and not at all how I expected it to be. I was expecting to feel odd and sort of disconnected, as if I didn't really belong here. I was expecting to feel really out of place and lost and swamped at Kings Church. I was expecting my house to feel like it belonged to somebody else, and that I would feel a little uncomfortable being there.

So many negative expectations... and I repent! I'm sorry!

I have already had to rebuke myself for being lazy - yesterday the old habit to get the number 11 bus back from the forum to my house was so strong I didn't even think about it. And as I stood at the bus stop waiting, I rebuked myself for being lazy and walked home (and beat the bus). One day back in Wythenshawe, and I was so nearly back in the old habitual ways of being lazy.

Makes me wonder if there's something that needs praying about specifically, a spirit of laziness in this area. That's something to think about if you're reading this, and definitely something to pray about.

Back to the negative expectations. Looking back, I'm wondering what I was thinking. I get the feeling that some of it at least was real. It's made me really notice and appreciate so much more the feeling of belonging and being home. I have not felt odd and disconnected, in fact something one person said to me was that I fitted in so naturally. Somebody else said that I looked so confident, so secure in who I am (and who I am within my marriage, because it was in the context of me being at church without Steve).

I have not felt lost and swamped at Kings Church! I have been hugged by so many people over the course of the weekend, been able to talk to so many, renewed a lot of connections and really feel like I have come home. To be able to just let go of me and lose myself in praise on sunday morning was just what I needed. And it was wonderful, to feel God moving in me and enjoying this adoration as much as I was. I was so thankful, so grateful, that God had brought me home.

Incredibly (and I was really not expecting this) my house feels like I could move back in today. It was tempting to stay there last night after being in the house all day, but there's still a lot of my things still at mum and dad's house so I sensibly went back to their place! (Big thankyou to the girls - Ee-Reh, Becky and Vicky, who have looked after our house really well!)

When we left to go to Finland last July, I was so tired - I really needed some peace and quiet, some place to reflect and to meditate and to live peacefully for a time. I believe that it's completely in line with God's ways of teaching us and leading us, that for a time we need the incredible atmosphere that I associate with Kings, and to be able to completely let go of ourselves and lose ourselves in worship and adoration of God; but sometimes God knows that we need quietness in our lives, to be able to reflect more and learn on a one-on-one basis of who He is. And I feel extremely priviledged to have been selected for that one-on-one teaching and leading. I feel like I have grown more as a daughter in God this past year than I have any other single year that I can remember. And now I'm here in Manchester, and ready for Year 2 of being in God's Training School!!

Praise God for His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning, so great is His faithfulness.

Sprucing up a CV

I applied for a job today. It took many many hours to spruce up the old CV which had lain forgotten in some dismal part of my computer's filing system since October last year, and then another hour and a half to cobble together a covering letter sounding convincing enough. I have major problems with CVs and covering letters, mainly along the lines of the whole "blowing my own trumpet". I pondered this to Steve, saying that if this was th job God wanted me to have, the one He's prepared for me etc etc, then surely I'm being a bit superlative by bigging myself up? To which Steve responded, we need to "big ourselves up" sometimes just to portray a more accurate picture of ourselves, because most of the time we play ourselves down quite a lot, in some form of trying to be more "humble". But going for a job, you need to be honest - which is a very fine line between being "humble" and being "proud". Or maybe true humbleness is just honesty of who you are and knowing your limits.

pictures

we watched this being carved this morning in the square, there was quite a racket... i have more pictures, but for some reason only this one made it here!

here's some more pictures from the past month or so... here we have the lake as it thawed;

and when the circus came to town we went on this ride and i screamed and screamed;

here's steve's mum and dad;

and an incredible sunset from the other night.

enjoy!

this was.... one balloon popped

a 3-legged stool

One of my close friends sent me this in an email the other day. I thought it spoke so perfectly of how our heart should be!

Think about a three legged stool. It can not be sat properly

or effective on unless all the legs are there and same length.

I learnt that if we are striving to chase God more than

anything else, we will loose out on relationships and the

love that God brings through relationships and that God

wants us to be with others. We can also focus too much on

others to fill the gap inside of us, which distances us

from God and also we can forget ourselves and become a

people pleaser. If we focus too much on our self then we

could become too self absorbed and worship our self and do

things in our own strength for our own glory. So God wants

us to have a balance in all this areas to be complete..

to be at peace with him , others and our self.

As well as peace, Shalom means to complete.

God's amazing. He doesn't want our outer life to be divided up like a pie, with one slice of the pie marked "spiritual life". He's interested in ALL of us, every single part of our life. He wants to see our heart balanced, so we can learn to...

Love the right thing,

At the right time,

To the right degree,

With the right kind of love.

Change

Can I change? Can the identity I call my "self" change? I got thinking about this after talking to various people, who are convinced that people can be so set in their ways that they have lost the ability to change.

But I for one hope that I can change. There are things in my character that I know still aren't right, and I know that one day they'll be dealt with.

The Bible says I can change. In fact, it commands it. "Be transformed by the renewing of your minds" (Romans 12:2). That doesn't sound like just a suggestion to me. So not only is it possible, but it's commanded of us! I suspect also that a "transformation" is much more than a little makeover. "Be transformed" - be made totally different. Be changed, completely.

But how many of us actually want to be changed? Or even see change as a necessary thing?

Do we realise how much of us isn't like Jesus? Do we accept that we need to change? Do we believe it's even possible?

Is it that, we as Christians, find it harder to accept that we can change, than a murderer who has found Jesus, or a drug addict who overcomes their addiction through Jesus' love, or an alcoholic who finds Jesus and a new will to live?

Do we think that Jesus doesn't have time for our character flaws, doesn't bother with our "small" needs, that He's more concerned with the "greater" needs of addicts and murderers? No. A murderer gave his life to Jesus while they hung, dying, at Calvary. That should tell us, should affirm to us, that nothing is impossible for God. Nothing is too hard for God.

Not that he doesn't care about the needs of those who consider themselves as "better" than murderers!

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." (Romans 3:23)

You can imagine a scale, reaching from down here on earth, right up to the heavens. God is at the top of that scale of "goodness". We are ALL down here on earth. By comparision, all humans are on the same level.

I suspect that if we were perfect, the earth would no longer be able to hold us here...

We, by comparision to God, are no better than thieves, rapists, murderers, addicts. We all fall short, and we all need to change. Praise God that we are saved by the blood of Jesus, that we have a hope!

But we must believe that we can change. We must have faith for it!

If we say that somebody can't change, that they are stuck in their ways, then we are disregarding what the Bible says and our unbelief can stop Jesus from affecting a change in that person.

We need to believe what the Bible says, that we can be transformed - changed completely - by the power of God, our Living God.

Nothing is impossible for God.

And it's not by our own strength that this change happens. "Not by strength, nor by might, but by My power," says the Lord. God can change us. He can make us see who we are supposed to be in Him. He shows us what parts of us are lies. He shows us that we can change. And then, He changes us.

We are no longer who we were, who the world made us. We become who God intended us to be. And who better for us to be!

Yesterdays

I've just been and had a look at the display of handicraft here at the Culture Centre. It's pretty impressive. I kinda wish I'd been more aware of what was on offer, there were pieces of stained glass and other glass-work, dressmaking, feltmaking, so much art and craft that my little skirts seemed to fade into the background even though I was so proud of them! There was just so much more than I realised.

Yesterday was my last Finnish lesson. We had a little party, and ate food, and tried to converse in Finnish - some of my classmates were definitely more competent at it than me - and we were all a little sad at the end. We've exchanged email addresses, and I hope we keep in touch, at the very least for as long as we're here in Iisalmi! But the whole thing has got me thinking about going home, and my hopes and fears in that. I actually had cravings for England yesterday, which made Steve laugh. (So far, only sausage rolls...)

And I got a surprise at the youth band practice. Hanna wants me to learn and sing a song (in Finnish) that no-body else wants to master. She played it me on a CD and my first reactions were disbelief, shock, is she mad? But I think I'm conquering it. There's some difficult words, and an even trickier melody, and I've got to really sing this one in a way as to be able to completely convince people that I totally understand what it's saying. But it feels a bit weird, that no-body else can or wants to try and sing this song - so they get the foreigner to try?! Well, it's certainly made me rise to the challenge...

Oh yes, and a little footnote... we had another snowstorm today. Very very strange.

pictures of freedom

i wanted to write down a picture i had, about freedom.

i was lying in bed on saturday night, thinking about Easter Sunday. the choir was going to sing, and i was playing bass, and i wondered what it would take for the girls in the choir to really feel free. isn't that what Easter is about, anyway? freedom?

but then i started dreaming or daydreaming or something.

i was in a huge building. i knew all of the corridors, all of the rooms, i knew where everything went and where everything lived. this was my life. my whole life. and this was my prison.

and then, suddenly, one day, i wasn't there any more. i was outside. somebody had opened the door and let me out. and outside it was a beautiful sunny day, and as far as i could see there was grass and plains. so beautiful. then i realised i couldn't go back inside, because the door was locked. i was stuck, in freedom. the walls of the building i knew so well were very high - no chance of me climbing back in, and the door was tough and strong, no chance of me breaking it down. i was outside, and that was that. i had been freed, and suddenly freedom was scary.

so i started building a fence in my new freedom, a little fence to make me feel safer. i still wanted to be in control of my freedom, and wanted boundaries that would make me feel comfortable. my fences were very nice.

but i'd put myself back in a prison, this time of my own making. i'd also refused God's offer of true freedom, and made pointless the suffering He went through on the Cross.

then God showed me what true freedom was, how it felt, and why He wanted me to be free. suddenly i was running across the plains, like wild horses run - for the sheer joy of it! breathing, living, excited, ALIVE. and all for the sheer joy of it! i realised freedom wasn't something to be scared of, it was something to relish, to enjoy, to live in, to breathe in and out in, to just BE in. and i loved the running, the feeling of breathlessness that comes with the sheer exuberance of living and breathing and being alive.

so wonderful!

after thinking about this most of the night, i started thinking how it related to praise, and why we praise God. so many songs that we sing say something along the lines of "we praise You for what You have done" but i never really dwell on what it is that He has done. so what has God done? He has set us free, given us the opportunity to really be free, to run and breathe and live and be really truly alive. we praise God first and foremost because He is worth it. we praise His name, and we give thanks because He has set us free. i'm so grateful that here there is no law against praising God, that i'm allowed to praise in freedom from the state.

praise God, i'm free!

what jeni did

there's a couple of posts below with pictures of the fabric i've been painting over the last week or so, but i realised that i've not really updated from finland for a while.

i guess the biggest thing is that it's still snowing.

yes, in april. we're gonna have easter with snow!! how weird will that be...

the PA in church is up and running, except now the mixing desk is dying a slow a painful death. which means an opportunity to buy a new one! hurrah! we also now have foldback. now THAT's gonna be fun. it works, although one of the mixer channels doesn't work :( so we only have one foldback mix. but hopefully it will help the various music groups that sing at church.

it was great on monday night, i have been coerced into playing bass on sunday with the choir (so no mic for me) and i was right next to a foldback speaker, the guitar amp, the piano and with the choir behind me so i was able to sing my heart out. i love the freedom that i feel when i can really sing out like that :) and when i spoke to steve later, i asked whether he could hear my voice through the sound, and he could still! he was pleased that i was actually singing like i could, rather than holding back. and i'm pleased, because i'm singing another part to the choir so even though i won't have a microphone, the congregation will still hear my part.

more pics

this is what i did while i was learning about fabric graphics. fabric for 2 skirts! the pink background was the first part (that was so much fun) and then learning how to create stencils and using the right goo to stencil on the patterns. hurrah- and now i have 2 summer skirts, plus a matching pink bag :) - pictures later once my model has a free day and it's stopped snowing so we can take pictures in the sunshine!

pictures of fabric graphics

this is what i've been doing today in the basement at church :) - i've been having fun! my friend Salla came along too, and we spent a couple of hours painting the backgrounds for some banners for church. i've only just learnt how to do this, so to be asked to use my new skill for church is great!



























































this one is a large 2x3m banner for the front of church, i stencilled the cross on today. it'll be up there hanging on Easter sunday!















and this is the beginning of a pastel piece for one of the pastors and his wife, Charles and Paula. they have been such great friends to us while we've been here in Iisalmi, andi wanted to give something back to them.

radical Christians

maybe I'll talk about what radical means.
radical comes from the word "root". so, to be a radical Christian you need to be rooted. rooted in what? rooted in the Word of God, and rooted in your faith in Jesus as your Saviour. once you are firmly rooted, you have all the nourishment you need, drawing from the deep wells of God's grace and mercy and love, to be a "radical" "out there" passionate living Christian!

why do i have a second blog, and what am i going to write about...

what to write about. so many things happen on a daily basis. saturday i spent most of the day here at Genelec on the internet, sunday we went skiing, today i've been doing my english tutoring, and now i'm killing time waiting for cake. mmm cake.

why do i have a second blog, and what am i going to write about...

what to write about. so many things happen on a daily basis. saturday i spent most of the day here at Genelec on the internet, sunday we went skiing, today i've been doing my english tutoring, and now i'm killing time waiting for cake. mmm cake.

back home ... where is home anyway

so for those of you who followed that link, yes i still exist on blogspot and maybe one day i will move back here!

jen's wonderful words of wisdom

yesterday's amazingly intelligent comment was:
"eee it's cold when you take all your clothes off....."

i have moved!

I just thought I'd better put a note on here that I have moved, here's my new home...

tanssijajeni