Stunned!

Ok. So we had Jeni goes Fat Free, and we had the one where I managed to hi-jack myself into going to the gym. You would've thought that this would be ever-so-slightly conducive to losing weight (not that that was the plan at all, because I would've been told off). So. I go to the hospital yesterday to see the diabetic specialist (who has sent me for expensive blood tests to see what type of diabetic I am exactly) and am measured and weighed, and I am stunned.

I have somehow managed, in the last couple of months, to PUT ON nearly three-quarters of a stone in weight, grow an inch and a half, and can actually get into my size 10 trousers again. (I've been in 12's for a few years now.)

WHAT IS GOING ON?!!

Sugar Frustrated

Steve's been on a first aid course this week, with the St Jonh's Ambulance, through work. The other day they briefly covered diabetics and what to do if they appear to be slipping into unconsciousness due to hyper- or hypo- glycaemia. The two are opposite ends of the scale although they look pretty similar to the average onlooker: cranky and drowsy generally. Same treatment - give them sugar (marmalade sandwich is good) and get them to hospital. The worst that could happen after this is they fall into coma. Omit the marmalade sandwich and it could be much worse.

Anyway. I was not well last night. I was hungry so I had a slice of toast, a bun, a small chocolate, and a J2O. Fabulous combination. Combined to make me feel generally shivery and sleepy and headachy. Steve made me do a blood test. (Oh yes and I'd forgotten to take my pill in the morning as well.) It came back 15.1 which is pretty high for me - at least I think it is - I don't test as often as I should - but I was ok again after dinner.

Then Steve made me promise to do 5 blood tests during the course of today. I hate doing the tests, I have to psyche myself up before every single prick of the needle. And it really is only a pin-prick and rarely hurts. I've done 4 so far and they have made me feel guilty every time I go towards the biscuit jar or even so much as LOOK at the J2O that I opened an hour and a half ago. It's miserable. It's necessary because I need to know what my blood sugar is like over the course of an average day, but it's so miserable - and not really accurate due to the amount of biscuits I'm NOT eating.

I like biscuits. They provide me with break options during the day, when I just can't bring myself to do the washing or the washing up just yet, when there's not enough time to start anything before I have to go out, when there's a cup of tea and the sudoku needing company. I don't know what to eat instead of biscuits. Crisps are full of fat and salt and therefore bad. Toast. There's an option. Except it has to have butter and marmalade on, and it's just too much effort to have when there's a biscuit alternative. And biscuits are getting nicer and nicer, have you noticed? They're all so nice...

And all the while, the phrase comes back to haunt me... "You're not hungry, you're BORED."

Cardboard Cut-Out

I'm confused by my predicament. I want to be honest in how I feel, but sometimes honesty is met by other people who seem to want to insist that you deny how you really feel. I feel cut out. A bit like a cardboard cut-out of a character, who can look at home in any one of a hundred different pieces of scenery, but who doesn't actually belong in any of them. That is how I feel this morning.

I don't think facebook is really helping with that - thing is, I can see all the people who I used to be connected with, and I can see them all interacting with all the other people that I used to be connected with, but I'm not in that. All these conversations that would otherwise be private are now open for all to see. Everybody in my contact list in facebook lives far far away from me, and so I feel almost legitimate in my use of the thing... although, I could send emails or texts or phone people or (gasp) write letters.

It just seems so superficial. I don't want to be a superficial person. I want to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you happy or sad, I want to get to know you. I want to keep in touch, to know where you're up to, to know how you're doing. I keep thinking about all these people who I never really got to know, despite knowing them for years, and am ashamed of my superficiality. Getting involved in a hundred different things shouldn't replace real relationships with people. It should aid relationship building, not replace it.

We went to our cell meeting again last night, and spent all evening fielding questions about who we were and where we're from and why we've moved to the South. Next week we'll start finding out more about the people who were asking all the questions... I don't want to be a cardboard cut-out here. I want to belong, to become part of the picture, to become interwoven into the life of my Family.

Words of Wisdom via Magnetic Letters

God just spoke to me through the magnetic letters I have on our fridge. Nothing huge, or lengthy, but pretty simple really. I'm constantly having to put the letters back into place, because the fridge, and therefore the letters, are in just the right place to be leant on while I'm making breakfast or a cup of tea or rock buns in this case. The words say "we trust in a faithful God" and nearly every day I have to put them back into position and God said to me just now that everyday I should be making sure that my faith is in the right place, aligning the bits that have got knocked out of the way, putting things in my life right again as soon as I notice they're knocked out of place.
I love our God.

First Night - Romans 8:28-31

We went to our first cell meeting last night with Jubilee. Met some characters. Met some family :) I felt so privileged to be part of God's family, that I can go anywhere and I will find members of that family. I felt at home.

The subject of the main discussion was Romans 8, 28-31. God works in all things for the good of those who love him, and God foreknew us, predestined us, called us, justified us, and will glorify us. Although it does say he glorified us, but the thinking is that Paul wrote it in the past tense because it was as good as if it had already happened, what with the previous four things having happened already.

We didn't get very far very quickly. First hurdle was "predestined" and various thoughts on that, and various interpretations of it. We discovered a very opinionated couple in the cell! Very lovely, but quite forceful in their ideas. Could be interesting. After that it was plain sailing apart from everything changed depending on your interpretation or views on predestination. Chosen vs choose?

My own conclusion is this. The Israelites were a chosen people, set apart for God. They lived under the Law, which as Paul pointed out was flawed and for which the people needed constant atonement through imperfect sacrifices. God gave the world his Son, who died as the perfect sacrifice to end all sacrifices. Grace came into the world, and the way to the Father and eternal life, through Jesus, was made available to all humanity, not just the Israelites. So God's chosen people now isn't a "race" of people as such. We are free (as God gave us free will right in the beginning) to choose whether or not we accept his call. The pull of the Gospel is inexorable as we are created with that God-shaped hole in our soul, but we are still free to choose. We choose, we are accepted, and we are adopted into God's family. God didn't want mindless robots. He has angels who constantly adore him and praise him, and if humans didn't then the rocks themselves would cry out in praise. He wants a people who of their own free will choose to be friends of God, and choose to submit to His will and authority.

The next major question we debated is, can you lose your salvation? We debated for some time on this one. But I kept thinking, and my opinion is that you don't "lose" salvation, you don't suddenly realise that you've misplaced it somewhere. It's more like you throw it away. If you have been saved, and you then turn your back on God, are you suddenly "un-saved"? I think that if you died when your back is turned towards God, you might have a hard time persuading the saints to let you into heaven. If you've been saved but then you've turned away from God and are far away, but then you turn back, no matter how far away you are God comes towards you with open arms - he's been waiting all this time to welcome you home.

My point is that if you turn away from God, I think God would honour the choice you made. I just don't think He would exercise his power and authority if you died to say well, I saved you, you made a commitment 15 years ago, and yes you've had your back towards me for the past 10 years, but hey I'm still taking you to heaven whether that's what you want or not. I just don't think God's like that. I think if you turned back to God on your deathbed he would welcome you with open arms. But if your back is still towards him, you've made your decision also. I think God would be - inconsolable comes to mind.

Downhill all the way...?

Some years ago my grandma started to lose her mind. It started with little things. Mum would do her shopping, and grandma would always ask for the same things. Mum got a little suspicious, thinking that grandma was eating a lot of cereal every week, and discovered boxes and boxes of unopened cereal. And all sorts of things turning green in the fridge. It got worse, as it generally does. There was the forgetting how to use the kettle and using a pan on the hob instead, there was the forgetting to turn the grill off. There was the stuffing and hiding of biscuits into her handbag, and losing keys because she'd taken them out and put them back somewhere else. Now grandma is in a home and mum says that every time she visits she doesn't know how the visit is going to end. It all depends on how frightened grandma gets that she can't remember things. It must be awful, knowing that you can't remember things. Not being able to remember where you live, or why you don't live at home anymore.

Sometimes I do silly things and it brings grandma back to mind. Like locking myself out of the house, or going to the wrong shop. Today it was eggs. I always need eggs. So I bought some more and now I've just had to rearrange the cupboard to fit the box in next to the other 2 boxes of eggs I already have. I forget what I'm doing, or why I'm doing something, and am so easily distracted that I leave half-finished tasks all over the place. I occasionally remember to drink the cup of tea that I've spent most of the morning trying to make (filter water, boil water, add water to teapot, remember teabag, brew, pour, milk, drink. So many places for distraction to leave the job half done...).

I hope it gets better before it gets worse.

Getting Fit

I sent off some updated profiles for inclusion on the CityLinks website the other day. And then I got an email back saying "Is the title of your album Getting Fit?" I was rather surprised.... No, it's just called Jeni. Getting Fit sounds like a useful album title to keep hold of though.

On other Getting Fit news, I went to the gym yesterday for my induction (first Appointment with a trainer) and was measured and weighed and questions filled in and forms answered and set on the rowing machine. "Have you been out rowing actually on water?" Yes, I had - and I loved it, and miss the lake in Iisalmi. Apparently you can tell if somebody's been on the water because they have good technique on the machine :) AND apparently they go rowing down the river so I might have to investigate that, I enjoyed rowing. How pleased was I! Anyway I had a good time: I have a very cute trainer, I'm fitter than I thought although my legs don't have much muscle in them, and I'm going again this morning for the fabulous BodyPump class.

Steve on the other hand.... he did the truffle shuffle last night (anyone remember that?) and got very despondent about the state of his belly. Good news is that he's doing rugby training so it will be a yummy washboard by Christmas.

Information Overload vs New Friend

I've had a good week. Last Wednesday Steve's aunt came to visit for a few days, and we spent a good amount of time walking around Steyning. She also, when I was occupied with housework and accounts, went round most of the village "just picking up" information that we might find useful. I have to admit it was a sweet thought, especially as the full amount of free time that I've spent just wandering around amounts up to a single morning when the car died. But I felt inundated with information about the local Anglican church, the Steyning Centre (where there are numerous mums and tots groups, a choir, various societies including photographic and art and flower arranging and much more) and it didn't stop there. I know she didn't mean to, but I did feel very much as if I was being organised and arranged and my social life sorted out for me. I've had heart-to-hearts with Steve about this, he used to do this with me too - organise my social life for me, and make it very difficult (without meaning to) for me to say no to something.

Yesterday I went to see Gina, a white Zimbabwean lady. I met her and her husband at Jubilee and while at first Steve and I thought we really had nothing in common apart from we both lived in Steyning, I had a really wonderful time yesterday afternoon drinking tea and chatting about all sorts of things. Turns out she's a very creative lady, and also musical and had written songs in the past....... and they have a keyboard which I'm welcome to go and play (in return for a little bit of tutoring in playing piano!) and we're going to go walking together a couple of times a week. And maybe she'll overcome her fear of gym classes and come with me one time! She works at the grammar school and during conversation I said I'd been working at a grammer school, in the reprographics department - and discover that they're looking for a part time reprographics assistant! I could do that!!! Part time suits me absolutely fine, I guess I just need to get out of the house a little. And the grammar school is also an adult education centre and they do loads of classes including pottery! And plenty of art or craft classes.

It was wonderful because all this information came from somebody who was enthusiastic about it and did it herself and wasn't just trying to fix me up with something to do. Oh dear, I feel like I'm bashing Steve's aunt a bit.... I'm not, and I love her to bits, but I just think she can't help herself!!

We can't go to Gina's cell group because they meet on a thursday (Steve does rugby training on a Thursday and I go to the pub with them afterwards) but maybe that's a good thing. It means I get to meet more people! Must remember to call the church office this morning and talk to someone about cell groups......

Diabulimia

I've just been reading a piece in the Times about "diabulimia", where a Type 1 diabetic (usually a young, female one) deliberately skips insulin injections to lose weight quickly, ignoring the long-term consequences (or being ignorant of them) of blindness, kidney failure and various other nasties. The girl who was interviewed for the piece is amazing. She's been there, done that, and amazingly she's not done much long term damage other than giving her body a battering.

But it's what she said about diabetes that I really understood. It's annoying having to tell people that you're diabetic - that's usually the only way that they'll remember not to put sugar in your tea, or get you a diet coke instead of regular. It's annoying because once you tell people they assume you won't want a biscuit or a slice of cake, and offer you sugar free rubbish which is probably worse for you anyway due to all the sweeteners in it. I'm lucky because I've lived with a diabetic dad so it's not a stigma for me as such, but I do wish people would treat me normally - but with a sugar-free (and alcohol free) drinks option as the norm. (And not just water.)

I'm still fed up about the whole cholesterol thing. Steve likes his butter and his full cream milk. We went out for fish and chips last night even though I didn't fancy it (nothing at all to do with the cholesterol of course) and I didn't enjoy them, I just felt guilty. I feel guilty at having milk in my tea instead of the soya stuff (which isn't that bad). I feel guilty enough if I forget to take my tablet in the morning, or if I forget to eat, but now it's getting ridiculous. I've conditioned myself to not feel guilty about eating a jaffa cake but I feel bad after eating a peperami stick.

I wish that I could just carry on eating what I think is a pretty balanced diet - I don't have takeaways every night, I don't drink much alcohol at all, I make our meals from scratch, I bake my own bread quite a lot, I make sure that all our meals have vegetables in them. I get myself to the gym every so often, I enjoy going for walks and I wish I could just not feel guilty about enjoying food and life. I'm sure guilt increases your cholesterol levels.

Genius. Fat-Free, but Genius nonetheless.

Keeta is responsible for this. And a couple of others. But mainly Keeta. Following on from reading her post on boredom and IQ I noticed someone had added the IQ Test application on Facebook so, out of boredom and as the rain was indeed hurling itself at my windows (although that really has very little to do with it) I decided to test my IQ. Not expecting much, reckoned I would be about average, I was a little surprised to get a result of 139 (completed in 10 minutes, 27 out of 30 correct). Borderline genius. (Genius is 140+.) Hmm, I wondered, was this facebook effort to be believed? So. Enter www.iqtest.com. The home of the original online IQ test. Hmm, I thought, maybe this will be more accurate.

141.

I am a Genius.

Jeni Goes Low-Fat.

Oh the shame of it - the doctor has ordered that I should not go for the full-fat, full-cream, options any more. I went in to get the results of my latest set of blood tests and the fasting bloods were 9.6 which is not good, and the cholesterol was 8. Not good. Worse than last time too. I'm still resisting statins - I think pride has something to do with that - but the doctor's thoughts were to get me on insulin for the diabetes rather than just because we want to start a family.

And the surgery is debating the whole "is she a MODY or just an unusual type 1" thing again. I've had at least 3 sets of medics debating this already and they've all come to the conclusion so far that I'm neither, I'm just odd. The nurse at the surgery here thinks I'm an unusual type 1, and the doctor has decided he doesn't know what to do with me so I'm being referred to a specialist.

Bah humbug. I guess some healings take a little while to prove.

Going to buy some soya milk tonight. If I've got to go for the low fat option I've got to be so careful. Most things in the shops go like this: Sugar free = high fat; Fat free = high sugar content. Food generally has to have one or the other to stop it tasting horrible. I wish there could be some nice properly balanced food which is neither high fat or high sugar, just normal amounts of both. However once I'm on insulin the theory is that I can go for the low fat option and not worry about the sugar content. The doctor went on a fair bit about the dangers of insulin - very real dangers and I suppose he's bound to talk about them - but it gets depressing when you hear the same thing again and again about you must be careful not to take too much or you'll end up in a hypo. And a new one that I heard - putting me onto insulin increases my fertility?!! That is a new one to me. I've not had that one before. That's not really why I'm going on to insulin, and I'd never even considered it before, and it's not something that I really needed to hear!! "Oh you're diabetic, oh that means your fertility will be affected." Gee, thanks, just what I needed to hear on top of my cholesterol is too high and my fasting sugars are higher than normal too. He didn't mention any of the dangerous situations that can arise during pregnancy if your blood sugar isn't under control, or the effect that uncontrolled blood sugar can have on your unborn child. No, it was "your fertility can be affected". I'm not that interested in my fertility - well I am, but you have to put these things into perspective against the possible effects that the diabetes could have on a baby.

Sigh. Life is life. And from tonight (when we go shopping), life is low-fat.

Panic Attacks and other things

Went to Manchester this weekend and the troops were marvellous. We have cleared the downstairs! (Well nearly, just a handful of odds and ends. Maybe one box worth.) Upstairs is doing well too, nearly empty as well. The only room left really to sort out is the attic and even that's doing well! And, amazingly, I didn't get stressed. We sorted a couple of car loads out, took all my pots and planters to my parents' house, and took a carload back to Steyning. AND, most importantly, tidied up the house before we left. That causes stress, knowing that I've left the house in a mess.

Was just listening to Jeremy Vine today: one of the topics on his show today was panic attacks. I listened because it was quite interesting and then suddenly it was like a light switched on and I realised that I've been having panic attacks, it seems Steve's been aware of this for a while but I didn't think that they were actual panic attacks. I just sort of joked about them (in the way you do when you're in denial about something) and didn't think much about it. But hearing somebody else describe exactly what I do when I'm crippled with panic and fear just made me stop. I get minor panic attacks in shops or on busy streets or sometimes in church when there's lots of people around. I remember seeing a program years ago about what happens to your brain when you get older (much older, not twenties - think seventies or eighties) and you just lose the ability to process all the visual and audio information that's bombarding you whenever you leave the sanctuary of your home. I remember thinking then that I could identify with that already - I feel bombarded and bewildered and overwhelmed by noise and sights and sometimes I just can't cope. A good way for me to cope with that is to put my hood up and pretend it's not there but then you can't see all the people who are about to push past you on a busy shopping street or see what traffic's coming.

But I just remembered the Slopes of Doom which I laugh about nervously. I was so completely crippled with fear, crouching down, couldn't even bring myself to stand up - just so terrified that I was going to fall or slip or otherwise go crashing down this slippery slope in front of me. Poor Steve had to coax me like a - well, I was going to say child, but kids were running down the slope in front of me. Those attacks don't happen very often thank goodness, and the minor ones are happening less and less - I associate them with having low blood sugar and thus just not being able to process what's going on around me, rather than all-out panic attacks.

How strange. I wonder what causes these attacks, whether there is a real underlying fear? I remember feeling an attack coming on in Finland, Sanni was trying to get me to ski down this tiny tiny tiny little slope (and it was only cross-country skiing, not downhill) and my legs locked up and I felt like I was going to cry. I think I did cry the next time, when it was Steve who took me out. I seem to have issues with going downhill. One day I'll overcome them properly.

Progress and Results

Well I am not making good progress with flash - I can follow the tutorials no problem, but I've not taken it slow enough to understand what I'm doing. Next step is to do the tutorials again, slower, so that I can process what I'm doing...

In the land of Entwistle all is good though. On average. Steve went rugby training last night and came home complaining that he felt like the hunchback of notredame, as well as having bumps on his head and scratches all over. Stepped on a few players as well, mainly his own team - I think he's got a bit of practising to do! But he's ok this morning. I'm glad he's started training again, it won't be long before he's got no hint of a belly again. Sigh. It takes him less than 6 weeks to get back into shape if he's not done any training for a while, and it takes me far far longer than that usually. Well - let's see what bodypump twice a week does for me.

Got a letter from the docs last week saying they'd had the results of my latest set of blood tests and that they want to see me... I guess it's not major, as they'd have called me in pronto if I looked like I was about to die or something. But the appointment is for Monday coming. I can't remember the last time I was actually called in to see a doctor. Maybe it's because I'm a new patient and he just wants to say hello and go over a few things with me such as "you really need to cut down on the Jaffa cakes."

Never Stop Learning

I'm actually working today. Learning stuff. I do have other things I need to get done, but this is interesting. I'm learning about Flash - I downloaded a trial of a flash builder some years ago and never got round to learning how to work with it, and now a new version has been released and they're doing their best to get people interested enough to buy it. Well, I downloaded the trial last week (I think) and have finally got round to having a play. I have decided that if I can learn the basics enough to be competent at creating a simple interactive site within the trial period (or I get to the end and am infuriated that the trial has run out) then I might invest and buy the software.

About 2 weeks left on the trial.

And then maybe updating the purpledancer website won't be so difficult. Design it in Quark, make it work using flash. I wonder what the final code looks like for flash.

Things to do when bored.

My but today has been difficult. It rained all morning and I have felt thoroughly unmotivated. Despite this I have been to the shops, found the post sorting office, made dough for bread and pizza, and read the paper. And looked at the website for the Ice Hotel. And created my own selection of things to do and where to stay which includes staying for a night in an Ice Hotel room, and a warm room the following night, a 4 hour snowmobile search for the Northern Lights including a 3 course wilderness meal, and tuition in ice-driving in a Saab 9.3. Comes to about SEK 16500,- which is about £1200 for two nights and the activities and doesn't include getting there. But it sounds like fun...

Never underplay the role (or title) of a Housewife.

"And what do you do?"
"I'm, erm, well technically I'm a housewife....."
"A Domestic Engineer!"
The above conversation at church this morning led to the following exchange on the way home:
"Domestic Engineer. I like that. I think I'll keep that."
"You haven't got 'Eng' after your name, you can only be a Domestician."
"Sounds too much like Domestos for me."
"Domestic Technician?"
"House Trained. Yes."

Surprised!

I think it's incredible the way your body gangs up against you as if it thinks it actually has control.

Last night I felt like I was going down with a cold, I had a headache, earache, sneezes, tummy ache (that might have had something to do with how much lasagne I ate), and thought that my glands were up. This morning my shoulders have been really playing up and my hip was slipping as I walked to the leisure centre. My whole body seemed extremely reluctant to go and do this "body pump" thing. And then the mind kicked in, are you sure you want to do this? Nervousness. Scared. Wouldn't it be better if you got your shoulders sorted out first? What if you damage your shoulders more? What if...? What if...? And then I got to the gym and was really early and had to sit and wait, and the receptionist was busy looking and sounding very efficient, and I didn't know where I should go, and the technique session that I had been told was this morning only happens on Saturdays......

But. Do you know what, I've really enjoyed it. It was exactly what I was looking for, just what I needed, and I'm going again next week. And I can still walk!! Having a few issues getting down the stairs but hey, it's all part of the experience...

Bitten the Bullet

I just had to record this, for posterity. I have signed up for a class at the gym, of my own accord, with nobody pushing me into it or dragging me along. I am terrified.

Sunlight poured like molten gold...

Sunlight poured like molten gold across the sleeping landscape.

[Footnote: Not precisely, of course. Trees didn't burst into flame, people didn't suddenly become very rich and extremely dead, and the seas didn't flash into steam. A better simile, in fact, would be "not like molten gold."]

Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic

This is the view from my window at eight this morning... watching the sunlight pour down the hill like syrup.

Incommunicado.

I feel quite antisocial at the moment.

I have been bored almost to tears by a bank manager who seemed to want to control every aspect of our lives, and spent three times as long as was necessary telling us that they weren't able to give us a loan for a car (turns out the car in question needs one of either me or Steve to have at least 2 years' no claims bonus before our current car insurance company will insure us on it. Handy when you've not owned a car for two years due to being abroad and broke). I have spoken to insurance brokers (at last I've finally sorted out contents insurance) and car dealers, and TV licensing to inform them that we don't have a TV (expect a visit just to confirm this) and BT to try and figure out what they did when we set up our account with them (complicated - bad advertising and miscommunication).

I have one phone call left to make and then that's it. I shall be incommunicado to the world for the rest of the evening.

Goodbye.

Boy Racer

We went looking at cars last night. It was interesting, to say the least. Steve and I discovered we like very different things. It could take a while (and several more test drives) to agree on which car to buy.

The question is: nice, sensible, small family car (an Octavia estate, 6 months old, 1.9TD) or a saucy, racy, Boy-Racer-Red hatchback (a Fabia RS, complete with sporty seats, couple of years old, 1.9TD)?

The Fabia is half the price of the Octavia. We will probably be needing an estate car in a few years' time, when we will hopefully have a young family. But do we need one now? Or should we invest in the estate car now, while we have House money? Or will that mean that I have lived my youth without ever having a nippy little hatchback?

As they have the same engine but are two very different cars it was interesting driving them both. The estate is nice and sensible, perfect for a young family, hard to come by (you buy one, you keep it until either it dies or your family gets too big for it or your kids leave home).

The hatchback is uncontrolled adrenaline. It goes like a rocket. Steve is torn. He likes the Boy-Racer-Red. Somewhere under all the estate cars in his head, there is a boy racer screaming to be let out for one last romp around the country lanes.

Newbies

After church yesterday Steve and I were talking about how different churches approach the area of new people just wandering in. Churches are so different, and have such wildly differing levels of preparedness!

When we wandered in off the street so to say into the pentecostal church in Iisalmi, we were blessed because Charles and Paula had only just come back to that church the previous week and they were pretty fluent in English. Everybody knew everybody so when two strangers walked in it was pretty obvious. Even though, they didn't know what to do with us newcomers! Charles and Paula welcomed us wonderfully but there was no programme in place in which to bring newcomers into the "fold".

In Littlehampton yesterday although the Holy Spirit was obviously with the Church there, and the Church was so evidently alive, we were pretty much left to ourselves afterwards. Rachel's family came and said hello, but either nobody else noticed that we were strangers (or we looked so at home) or nobody really knew what to say to newcomers, or everybody was so busy catching up with everybody else that they just didn't notice anybody standing by themselves. Maybe we should have made more of an effort.

It just made me think of Kings, and how they've hit on something there. They expect new people at the meetings and welcome them publicly, and people don't seem scared to talk to other people who aren't in their immediate circle of friends.

Having not been a church-newbie for a long time, it's quite scary walking into a room full of strangers. In times past this would have been my ideal situation - new place, new start, new identity, nobody talking to me or asking awkward questions - but I really want some place to belong to. I'm craving belongingness. We're going to go to Jubilee Church in Worthing next week. I so don't want to become a church-hopper but I so want to find the place that God wants us to be in. I want to be welcomed in, drawn into the fold, to feel wanted and loved and accepted, and find my place with God's people. Or, just KNOW that we are where God wants us to be.

New Toys

This feels like the first "proper" weekend we've spent here. It's actually the 4th though according to Steve. The first weekend Steve had a really bad cold, the second weekend Jamie was with us and we were all shattered from the late night van driving and early morning panic, last weekend was good with the airshow and going to church, but the car episode of the following two days kind of sacked that one off. So today to celebrate the first weekend of normality returning we've been shopping (clothes and cameras.) and been for the walk that we've been meaning to do since we moved to Steyning and found a leaflet about it. Took us an hour and a half, and Steve got to try out his new toy. He'll improve, I'm sure, once he gets used to it.

Tomorrow we're going to go to Littlehampton again, and if the weather's nice we'll go for that walk again, but hopefully this time in daylight. Next week is a full week here, and so hopefully by the time we have to make a trip up to Manchester I'll have recovered enough not to get ill at the thought of travelling. I'm looking forward to tomorrow and next week.

Earwigs and Emotional Episodes

Earwigs. Like or loathe? I don't like them personally. Never had a problem with them in Manchester, but I've lost count now of the number of earwigs I've had to evict over the last couple of weeks. This morning it was 3 (so far), they were hidden in the blinds so when I opened the blinds in the kitchen one fell out. I was ready for the next two and the vacuum cleaner was brought out.

Had a call from the estate agents yesterday. Now why couldn't they have told me this when I was still in Manchester, rather than waiting until we're calling off any travelling for at least another fortninght?? But they need proof of address (she didn't specify which address, woodhouse lane or charlton street?) and proof of ID. And there's no way I'm posting my passport to them. So they'll just have to wait until we're next in town. Anyway there's already been one viewing on the house, and another one scheduled for next week sometime. I'm still praying that the right person will buy it, preferably a Christian who will make friends with the neighbours and look after the garden!

I'm having fun with the hire car. I think it's alright to drive, Steve says it's like driving an arcade game (with reference to the steering) but I'm not fussed. It's nice just to be driving a new car. We've had a look at getting a car on a contract, but it's quite a lot more expensive than paying off a loan although we really didn't expect it to be THAT much more expensive. I guess I'm coming to the opinion that I really don't know what all the fuss is about owning your own car. It just means you've got another Thing exerting influence over your life (it needs constant feeding and maintaining) whereas with a contract car the servicing is sorted out for you, and you get a nice new car every couple of years. Ah well. Maybe one of these days. We're going to have a look at nearly new cars on Saturday. Had enough of old cars for a bit.

I went to see the family planning nurse yesterday. Wasn't really sure why I had to go and see her, I thought I'd just be getting weighed and measured etc etc and another repeat on my prescription for contraceptives. But no, because I have to go onto insulin in preparation for us wanting to start a family, the pill I'm on currently has to go. It has issues with insulin apparently. So we talked and I'm being put on a progesterone only pill (POP) because that doesn't have issues with insulin. So I start them tonight, and in a couple of months' time I will go to see my new doctor and we'll have a chat about how my emotional stability has been, and whether I think I can cope with these little things. Emotional stability has been the main thing that has affected which pill I've been on over the years, and Marvelon has been the best of a bad bunch I guess. I get easily emotional just before I'm due, rather than psychotic. Not bad really.

Watch this space.

What A Weekend. Stupid Car.

Oh the trauma!! What a weekend it's been.

The airshow, by the way, was incredible. Really sad with one of the pilots killed in a crash, but the show was stunning. I've only been to one airshow before and I must have been really young, all I remember of it is the blue ribbed jerseys that the RAF wore. I loved it! I never want to get so into cars or planes or bikes or trucks that I qualify as a geek, but I do love machines....

Just as we were leaving the airshow we got a call from Tze who had caught the bus to Brighton that afternoon with a friend. The bus seemed to take an eternity to get to Brighton (from Tunbridge Wells) and by the time they got there, everywhere was closing and the last bus home was about to leave. The last train that would get them home was ridiculously early as well, so we met them in Brighton for a meal and they stayed over at ours afterwards.

I'm beginning to realise how far away from everywhere we are. It took nearly three hours to get into London on Friday evening (a bit less to get home though), and it took nearly an hour to get to Brighton - at least it felt like it! So yes - we don't actually live in Brighton, it's just the nearest town that most people have heard of. If we want fish and chips by the sea we go to Worthing, which is about 8 miles away over the hill.

Sunday morning we went to church in Littlehampton with Rachel Evans and her family. That was good. As the family said afterwards, it was a bit of an odd service (ie not the usual) but I enjoyed myself, and it was so evident that God was with them. They're on the case of the invisible church in Steyning, so hopefully soon we'll have a lead! We had Sunday lunch with the Evans' family, and they're so happily barking that I felt like I was having Sunday lunch with my family! Conversations dived off at tangents regularly, and with 5 fairly sleep deprived people in the room it was interesting to say the least. Neither Rach nor I wanted to go to Manchester after that.

But we had to, so eventually we set off and that's where the fun started. We crawled most of the way up to the M40, at which point the road cleared up and the coolant warning lamps started flashing. There was no way we were going to make another 20 miles to the next services so the AA were called out ("you're a priority because you're on the motorway - we'll be with you as soon as possible within the hour" - they just made it!) to find that the car had dumped all its coolant. Nice car. The guy topped it up and spent a while checking for leaks and things, couldn't find anything so signed it off and off we went. We got home ok and I crashed at Rachel's overnight.

In the morning the car was going to the garage for a service so I took my stuff to Woodhouse Lane and from there set off for Hazel Grove where the garage is. I got as far as Cheadle Hulme and steam started pouring out from under the hood. No warning lamps, just lots and lots of steam. Handy pub carpark nearby.... Popped the bonnet, sighed at the green puddle under the car, and called the AA again. This time I wasn't a priority so it was a potential hour and a half wait for them to turn up. I'd not had breakfast (the plan had been to drop the car off at the garage, and then go foraging for food) so thankfully Sainsburys was just down the road so I went off to buy a paper and some pencils and some breakfast. I'd only just picked up the paper when my phone rang to say the patrol would be there in 10 minutes!! I was still running back to the car when the patrol phoned me to say he was there...

Well he topped the coolant up again, couldn't find any leaks, checked it over, and said he'd follow me to the garage. I got maybe 400 yards down the road and had to pull over, warning lamps flashing furiously and steam starting to seep out from the bonnet. Oh joy. The head gasket had gone. Garage said please don't bring it here, we won't be able to look at it for 3 weeks and then it's going to be a month-long project to sort it out. I was taken back to mum and dad's on the back of a recovery truck. (The afternoon then consisted of me trying not to cry, being consoled by the cat, making dinner and falling asleep on my parents' bed - I forget what I was doing, but evidently the brain decided to shut down for a while.)

Little aside here. The guy who picked me up and took me home was such a gentleman! He didn't talk down to me and I expect he would have happily explained anything to me, but I was able to hold my own in a conversation about cars and engines but he still opened doors for me and was just generally a really nice chap.

So the hunk of junk is now parked on my parents' driveway, and it's a case of Watch This Space to see what happens. We've got a hire car (a brand new sexy Megane with the sexy rear end) for a few weeks while we look for something that's hopefully not going to break, and I've had enough of travelling for the time being. We'll have to come up to Manchester at some point in the next few weeks, but I'm looking forward to a fortnight at home to relax and recuperate and generally de-stress.

Feels like it was only Yesterday

Got in at about 1.30am last night - took us nearly 3 hours to get from here to central London - and that was going the recommended route, avoiding the roads that would simply be one long crawl. We could have got most of the way to Manchester in that time. The groups' schedule was, as Hanna put it at 9.30am, messy... so by the time that we arrived at the Highbury Centre, they had only just finished eating and had made it to Victoria tube station! So we had time to kill waiting.

I read about Gerald Coates and decided he's a pretty amazing man of God, and read about other bits and pieces such as God healing and how He answers prayers but just quite often not the way we expect. The article I read told of a guy who came forward for prayer for healing of his terminal cancer. He was touched by God in an awesome way, and was saved and baptised by the following week. He died the following year - God hadn't healed his cancer, but He had healed his heart.

Then the guys finally arrived - they had all run from Highbury&Islington tube station - it's a 15 minute walk to the Highbury Centre - so Anssi and Kimmo were the first in, hugs all round - yes it was worth the wait! It was so great to see all our old friends, the language barrier was still there although it hardly mattered, I've forgotten most of my Finnish but I was able to follow bits and pieces. Arto is determined that I should learn the language again. I don't think he's going to let Anssi correspond with us in English! Charles is great as ever, he still writes his sermons in English and after a year and a half he still doesn't seem to realise that things like "fascinates and assassinates" (in reference to sin) is just lost on an audience that doesn't speak English! It makes him him really, I suppose.

We sat in on their bible study, they were looking at denying your self (Mat 16?). It made me think. It's all very well to deny your self, to say a big fat NO when your self wants to do things that are not in line with the Word of God, but what do you do instead? I remember being taught to "align your self with the Will and Word of God" and somehow that seems far more conducive to actually getting somewhere than simply saying no to all these things that you shouldn't do. Of course there's a balance that needs to be struck, you do need to say no to all these bad things, but then, if you have aligned your self with the Will of God, surely these things just won't be a temptation any more? Or at the very least, they'll be a lot easier to overcome - after all, we are Overcomers.

Afterwards most of them went to bed - they got in and got to bed at near to 2am in the morning, and then to have a full day of walking around London and getting back to the Centre at 9pm, it was a long day for them. So by 10pm, most of them were falling asleep on their feet (don't forget their bodies are still on Finnish time so it was midnight for them already!) and we stayed up chatting to Mika and Hanna, Tuulija, Arto and Anssi. Hanna is still poorly, she's been bedridden with flu and had recovered enough to fly to England but is still coughing lots and lots. Hope she gets better soon. We talked about houses and it turns out Kimmo might be working for Omatalo so Anssi is going to find out. Hanna scoured their website for me but couldn't find anything about them exporting, or even any way of contacting them to ask! So it's not just me... But we'll see. Anssi has offered his help in building too, I think! I wasn't listening to that conversation, so I will have to check, but perhaps.... anyway, that's for the future. Got to find the church body that God wants to join us to here, and then I'm sure we'll see doors opening for us with regard to land and importing the house that we want etc etc.

Arto is a pilot so he was interested to hear that we were (hopefully) going to go to an airshow today, I've just looked on their website and it looks amazing! I hope we get there - Steve's still asleep bless him, and It's gone 11 already - the displays started at 11am and go on until 5pm. It's on again tomorrow so we might catch some more tomorrow afternoon as well.

And, they've recorded a CD! The project started to raise money to build a church building in Lahore, Pakistan, and they've recorded a full CD of songs and sold loads in Finland and in Canada (where Mika and Hanna have been for 3 months) and raised enough to build the church building. Incredible! So I must get a copy of this CD. They recorded most of it actually in the church in Iisalmi, using the equipment that Steve helped them buy and set up, and I've heard a couple of the tracks and they're pretty good! I'm impressed! Tuulija, the "quiet one", has written a song and it's really beautiful. And they've been blessed with a very good cellist who was with them for a few months, just long enough to record the songs.

People are moving on though. Eila, Katja's mum, has sold her house in the country (the house we considered buying if we moved to Finland!) and moved to Lahti (pretty long way off), and Tuulija has moved to someplace about 50km outside of Helsinki, to go to Bible School, which has songwriting as part of its course. Katja didn't come on the trip but she's back in Oulu now, she's got maybe 4 or 5 years on her course so she'll be there a while. But since Eila has moved away from Iisalmi, I wonder if she'll really have much reason to visit there any more.

I really pray that God helps these young people to come out of themselves. I pray that He puts something on their heart to see the place where they live won for Jesus. I wonder what it is that they want, whether they have any particular desire on their hearts. I wonder what God is teaching them at the moment, I wonder what journey He's taking them on.......

A Tight Fit

Feeling pleased this morning. Steve and I got the slipcover onto the sofabed in the attic last night - what an ordeal!! Don't think that'll be coming off often, only to wash. We gave Steve's mum and dad the old white sofa for them to put in one of the rooms at church, complete with slipcover. My goodness by Ikea make things a tight fit. They took it off to wash it (not quite so hard to get the thing off) and mum said she thought she was going to break a finger trying to get the thing back on again! Hmmm, we said, yes..... it did take two of us to get it back on as well, and we didn't do it that often simply because it was SUCH an effort....

Anyway. I started putting the slipcover on by myself yesterday morning, and by lunchtime I'd given up. I decided that it would probably be easier to try and put the cover on while the mattress was still in the attic, rather than try and get the mattress downstairs by myself. Steve agreed so at least I felt better about that. Managed to burn all my knuckles though, trying to pull extra inches out of the fabric so that it would fit properly! Ah well. Done now. The attic was then tidied!! We put boxes away, created more space, swept all the sawdust up - tidy!! At least, it was tidy, until I put the washing up there and 3 bags full of single duvets and spare pillows. Not really sure why we have one double duvet, and 3 single duvets.


Think the attic is going to be the escape room. The den, to escape to when everything just gets a bit too much. It's quite chilled up there (and warm and cosy because the sun heats the room up rather well), relaxed. Very informal, unlike the front room which feels like it's on show most of the day (we SO need to get blinds or something) and needs to look good. Not that the attic doesn't look good, it just looks a lot more informal... like a normal-use living room, rather than the parlour.

Ok... today.... shopping, banana bread, look at short shelves at B&Q, drive into London. Yay!

Dinner Dates

I am SO excited! I think tomorrow the excitement might make me pop though... A group of friends from Iisalmi (Finland) are coming over for a couple of days in the Capital, they've got a jam-packed schedule but we're going to meet up with them tomorrow evening and I am SO EXCITED to get to see them again! Never mind that we're planning to go to Finland again at New Year, that's still 3 months away and this is TOMORROW! I spoke to Pastor Charles yesterday and arranged when and where we could meet up, and this morning I got an email from my friend Hanna (she's ace - she was really shy when we were in Finland, and even though she could speak better English than Mika she would only correct him, not speak herself! They've just spent 6 months in Canada though so I think that will have had a major impact on her confidence) so I'm just getting more and more excited about seeing them all. Hanna told me some names of who is coming over, and I'm kind of relieved that it's not just Pastor Charles and the youth. Pastor Jouni and his family are coming (I can't wait to see his wife again!) and Anssi (I've got some cool pics of his kids, they were such posers!), and Päivi and Arto, and of course some of the youth. There's about 21 of them in all coming for a whistle-stop tour of London (Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Madame Tussaude's, the Eye, Parliament...)

Anyway I think you get the idea that I'm so happy to be able to see them again.

Steve and I went on a Date last night - it was a really nice sunny day so we had a drink at the White Horse at lunchtime, and decided to go for another after work. And as we sat there we decided we couldn't be bothered going home to cook, so I asked if there were any tables free (on a Wednesday evening - it was practically empty!) and we had a brilliant impromptu dinner date. I enjoyed last night :) It's a lot more like Autumn today, the sun's hidden and it feels damp. Gutted that I put the washing in late yesterday, instead of in the morning... Don't think the washing machine is too happy. The dial broke a couple of weeks ago (it was already damaged) so I have to use pliers to turn it to where I think we've worked out the usual programme position is, and part way through the cycle yesterday afternoon it caused the main RCD to flick, and everything in the house went off.... very disconcerting. So I think I will not be using the computer or the stereo when I've got the washing machine on in the future, just in case...

Right, breakfast calls. And paracetamol...

A Nip in the Air

Now what was it that I was going to write.... I thought of something, and by the time the computer had powered up and I'd checked facebook I've completely forgotten what it was.

Tell you what though, it's definitely Autumn now. There's a nip in the air which continues much later into the mornings, and the shadows are cold now, rather than providing respite from the sunshine. Might be time soon to put the sandals away and start wearing slippers indoors, and proper shoes outdoors...

We went to Worthing on Monday evening, I was too sick to even pretend to try to cook anything for tea, so we decided to wrap up and go to Worthing and buy fish and chips and sit out on the pier in the evening sunshine. There's a really good fish and chip shop in Worthing, right next door to a fish and chip restaurant.... popular too, somehow we managed to get there just before the queue started spilling out onto the street. The sea was so calm, I can't remember the last time I saw such a calm and peaceful sea; the sun was low in the sky, shimmering over the exposed sand. So beautiful. Just what we needed - a 20 minute holiday.

Not too much work lined up for me today. I've had a really painful stiff neck for a few days now, and Steve thinks I've managed to strain a muscle lifting things that are actually too heavy for me to lift with a dodgy shoulder, so I'm on the painkillers and only light work while that sorts itself out. Still, there's plenty to do. I'm determined that all the boxes that are currently here from the last trip are emptied or at least sorted out before I go to Manchester on Sunday, so that when I get home on Tuesday the stuff I bring with me actually has a chance of being sorted out instead of just being added to the list of things to do.

Onwards...

Looking Good

When I was a kid and had a nasty cold (or whatever reason it was that I was dragged along to the doctors) I remember sitting in the waiting room trying my best to look ill because I was convinced that if you were sick, you should look it! But sitting in the waiting room this morning, trying not to nod off, it occurred to me that quite a lot of people who are really sick don't look it. Jane Tomlinson, for example. If she could do what she managed, being that sick, then I really don't have any room to complain about a cold stopping me.

The only reason I keep going to the doctors is so they can keep an eye on me and the diabetes. The diabetic nurse this morning is convinced that although I'm non-insulin dependent, which is now classed as Type 2, I'm actually a Type 1 but taking my time about it. (Harks back nearly 27 year. Apparently I really took my time about being born. Made them wait until the next day, I was so reluctant. Apparently.) The fact that I'm now on 3mg Glimepiride means that I'm ever so slightly closer to being on insulin anyway, so not to worry about going on to insulin for pregnancy preparation. She's going to be keeping an eye on me anyway. Which I guess is nice, really. She kept me talking nearly 50 minutes - I'm one of her more "interesting" patients: I think that means that I don't fit nicely into any boxes!

I did a second glucose test just now and it's still really high, that's about an hour and a half after lunch - sandwiches with a non-sugary filling, and a glass of no added sugar juice. Nothing in there to make my glucose levels go that high, but I'm not going to start worrying yet. I suppose this is a good incentive to start testing my sugars more often!

More blood tests next week, and a referral to one of the clinics at Worthing Hospital to get me started on insulin. It would happen to a needlephobe. Wonder what the correct term for that is...

Nerves

I'm going to see the diabetic nurse in half an hour, to see if we can get the ball rolling with regards to Steve and I trying for mini-Entwistles next year sometime. So far, as far I know, it will go like this:
Get Jeni on to Insulin.
Monitor Jeni's blood sugar to make sure it is within strict boundaries at all times. (Bit worried about this one, I've just tested my glucose levels and they were 17.8 but I'm putting that down to 3 slices of toast with jam this morning for breakfast.)
6-9 months later, stop taking the Pill.
Start trying for kids....
Constant monitoring, eagle-eyed watching, .......... I remember when we were about to move to Finland for the year I joked to Steve that could we please have our first out in Finland so that we'd be away from the eagle-eyes of the families!
But as much as I'm not looking forward to being watched so closely, I think once it comes to it I'll be pretty glad of the attention. Seems we have one of the best diabetic nurses in the country down here in Steyning, and it's a pretty big and well-equipped health centre. I'm sure I'll be well looked after.
I'm also sure that I'm going to get told off for not checking my glucose levels more often. Apart from just now, I can't honestly remember the last time I checked. I think it was while I was still working at Parklands, which was over a month ago now. Ah well.

New Home, New Start...

Thought I'd make another attempt at blogging. Since I'm so far away from home, again, and this time maybe permanently....

Don't think there's any need to go into details past here, although here's the story.

Today I feel sick again! Joy. I'm coming to the conclusion that it's due to the stress of moving. I didn't actually believe the stories about moving house being one of the 3 most stressful things you can do, along with having a baby and something else which I can't remember. But, I thought the stress was due to moving away from friends and family, being alone, having to carve out a new life. Doesn't worry me much. Apart from the internet bringing family and friends closer, I've never been one to worry much about a new start. The thing that's got me is all the stuff that Steve and I have managed to accumulate over the past 8 years - that's including the time before we got married, when the traditional "bottom drawer" grew into most of my parents' front room.

We've had incidents in the past when some attempt at sorting out all the junk has been necessary, most notably when we had an arson attack on the house in 2003. Problem is, when that happened all that ensued was everything (everything) got put into boxes and taken away to be cleaned (although now that we're going through everything again, we're constantly having to wash soot off our hands from the supposedly cleaned stuff) and then we never got around to getting it out of the boxes. 4 years ago! Two years ago, when we moved to Finland for a year, we didn't actually sell our house so basically everything that we didn't need or want to take with us, we just dumped in the attic. Bad move... Necessary, but still a pretty bad move.

So over the past year we've been up there on occasion and taken things out of boxes and found things that we'd not seen for 4 years and thought we'd lost, and found so many memories. One was a little porcelain owl that mum says I got when I left primary school - a "wise owl" and a mini dictionary was given to every child. The fact that so much of the stuff in the attic has a story attached would be great if I could remember any of the stories. I've got a feeling I'm going to be pretty useless when my great grandkids ask me to tell them stories of my childhood!

But because we have been up in the attic on occasion, and taken things out of boxes but not done anything with them, it means that we have an attic floor strewn with odd bits and pieces, not in any particular order, not in boxes. And so, very difficult to just pack up and move. And every time we visit Manchester now, it gets harder and harder because it's not a visit home, it's a visit to dredge up more old memories, and usually the ones that do come back to me are the ones I'd prefer to forget.

On a happier note though, I'm so relieved that when we go back we don't have to sleep in the house!! There's no furniture and no kettle and no pans and no microwave so no way of making a cup of tea in the morning, and sleeping on an airbed just manages to kill any hopes of my right arm being of any use at all the following day. Two couples from church have opened their spare bedrooms to us when we go back for sorting weekends, and rather than sorting and taking junk back to Steyning we can sort and take junk back for further sorting to my parents' house which is 15 minutes away rather than 4 and a half hours away.

But still, mum's worried about me because I'm feeling sick so often, and I'm fed up because I've lost weight again (I have a target weight which is half a stone away (heavier, not lighter), and I just can't get there, no matter how much I try) because I'm not eating my usual amount of food because I feel sick so often, and I'm soooooo tired. I'm looking forward to the week after next. We might actually manage a full fortnight in Steyning.

Things I've Noticed

Wasn't Amplify good last night? God is good. ALL the time.

It was strange though. There was so much of God available, and yet I could feel so much resistance in the room. Weird. I sort of re-dedicated myself to God last night - in the quiet space, I recognised and accepted before God that I do what I do (in last night's instance, singing and writing) for God. Yes I accept and don't deny that nice comments are welcome - I don't think I'd be human if I didn't enjoy it when somebody says they liked a song I've written! But I do it for God, He is my Reason.

But the thing I noticed last night was that whenever I make myself vulnerable before God, I also seem to leave myself wide open to the enemy's little snide remarks. So, a bare half hour after my re-dedication, I was nearly consumed by self-doubt and terrifying insecurity (I also realised afterwards that I'd not eaten for several hours, which never helps my emotional stability). I knew it would pass, and it did, after hugs and chats, but during that time the feelings were nearly crippling.

Even after a few occasions over the past year when I've felt like this, and been consoled eventually and learning about my emotions and how I shouldn't always believe them, it's so hard! The only thing that stopped me from self-destruction last night was the knowledge that I WASN'T those things that the enemy was whispering to me; and remembering that I am accepted by Christ, and I am beloved of Christ.

It's still hard though. I wondered, and perhaps I will always wonder, am I the only one who doesn't find socialising easy? Am I the only loner around, and am I the only one who struggles to put on a brave face sometimes and finds it such an effort to go out and be sociable? Does anyone else find it hard? If they do, they hide it well - and I need to learn that trick... Sometimes it's easier than other times to go out and make conversation. Sometimes I crave company and crowds and people and talk. Sometimes just the thought of people brings on feelings of total panic.

I've found myself an awful lot these past few weeks running away in my head to the balcony we had in Finland, wrapped up in a duvet against the cold, watching the trees sway in the breeze and the lake twinkle in the sunshine. It's my escape, and I'm starting to rely on it - which probably isn't good. I must learn that I live in the here and now, and that my refuge is God and God alone. No balcony can compare to my God.

Testimony for this week

After my last rather depressing post, a more positive one.

God has blessed me this week so much - all the things that have threatened to get me down this week, praise God, haven't. That has blessed me so much. To go through the stress of this week, with so many of my mistakes coming back to get me down, and to emerge relatively unscathed - I'm blessed. Irene testified last night to the Peace of God through an exam she had recently, and I think that the same Peace has been with me also.

Still not heard about the job I interviewed for!

Still amazed that I can remember so much stuff about David from the weekend.... :D

Trouble

I sometimes wonder, if things that could potentially beat us down are deliberately stored up to come and try and systematically beat us down when there is the possibility of something really good happening.

After my interview on Monday (which went really well), I've had so many things come along and try and get me down.

I don't really know what I'm to make of this. A few of these things are things that I've made mistakes about in the past couple of months and are now coming back to bite me. A couple of them have been sorted (I got told off for not letting people know when I was drowning), but this latest one I know isn't going to be easy. (By the way, I'm not a bad worker, I just do make mistakes sometimes. And I admit that. I'm human...) I'm just a little scared that what could be my last couple of weeks here at the College are not going to be that great. I really hate leaving a place on bad terms. I don't even know if I'm going to be leaving just yet, which may be even worse... Sigh. The life of a temp is not that great.

What a DAY

I went to Becky Higg's launch party of her debut album "Room to Move" and I was so impressed! It was a cool launch party too, the room was packed and there were trays of herbal teas going around. I managed to buy an album, but couldn't stay past the first set because I was meeting Steve at church at 9.30.

Prior to the launch party, I had to find the place. The Bay Horse, on Thomas Street. I managed to walk right past it the first time I walked down the street, and missed it completely. I walked around the back streets, and eventually walked down Thomas Street again and there it was. I don't know how I managed to miss it...

And before that, I was at Kids Club. That was fun. I wasn't on bus duty tonight - hurrah for a night off! I don't think I could've coped on the bus back to Wythenshawe after the goings-on at club. Two kids from Wythenshawe couldn't decide if they were friends or not and were taking up so much time from all different leaders. Next week one of them in particular is going to be told that he will be excluded for the rest of the night if he starts playing up again. I hope it doesn't come to that...

But before THAT, I was at work! Yay for work. Steve texted me during the day, he'd been down to the Message and handed in my application form and by the time he got home there was a message on our answerphone inviting me to an INTERVIEW on Monday!!!!! Hoorah! So I went into our little interview room here and phoned Emma at the Message and had a good chat. Steve told me later that when he handed in the form he handed it straight to Emma, and Emma said "It's my job she's taking"... Now whether that was a slip of the tongue or what, I don't know but I'm still Claiming this job!!

Woooo also I am SO looking forward to going to the Amplified Weekend this weekend. Hooray I'm driving the van with Steve. I've enjoyed driving my mum's car this weekend, even though the clutch is slipping really badly - we've figured out a sort of technique to stop it slipping so much. But having said that, I really should tell mum... I might email her now while I remember...

Noah's Ark

The story of Noah and the Ark took on a new meaning to me today.

We had a meeting with Andrew at church today, and as I was rounding the corner to church I started praying "God, bless this meeting..." that's as far as I got before I looked up and saw a rainbow! I felt God saying to me, "you've been tried and tested, and I promise I'll never put you through this again."

What a blessing.

Later as I was writing this in my little journal, it was expanded to me. When Noah saw the rainbow, they were still on the water (if my memory serves me correctly). God promised Noah that He would never again bring such wholesale destruction to the earth. But the point is, the rain had stopped. BUT, they were still on the water.

I'll bet it took a long long time for the waters to recede, but God had given His word to Noah and his family.

With me and Steve, the rain has stopped - our situation is not going to get any worse - Praise God! But it's going to be a while before the water has gone down enough for us to get to solid ground.

I did pray the other day that our finances needed "baptising" but I didn't think God would answer us by saying that this whole thing was a baptism....

Annoyed, frustrated, conned...

I feel so let down by the agency I'm with at the moment.

This is what I earn, by the way.

I was contracted initially to work 37.5 hours per week at a rate of £7 per hour.

I can't support myself and Steve on this, so I said I would be looking for other work at the end of the 3 month contract.

The agency offered me £7.50 per hour to try and keep me, which I accepted.

Then I get the revised contract details through the post and they've reduced my hours to 35 hours per week, while putting my hourly rate up to £7.50 per hour.

Do the maths, and then you'll understand why I'm feeling particularly let down and conned by the agency. I've told my boss that I'll be staying, so I feel trapped now as well.

My agency doesn't appear to think they've done anything wrong. Steve and I reckon that the initial 37.5 hours per week was a mistake on the agency's part - when my boss signed my timesheet the other week she told me I should only be working 35 hours per week.

I wish people would own up to mistakes, rather than making me feel like I've been conned and let down.

Time to switch off

It's so nice when you have a few moments to switch off from work. Unfortunately this is normally accompanied by random memory loss of the work I've done up to that point in the day...

It's been a weird day. Started off terribly, I'd forgotton so much stuff that I needed to remember, and I'd also managed to get totally confused over the past few days so that I was basically doing crisis management this morning after managing to double book audition slots, booking others candidates in twice, and generally not having a great morning. I really doubted my ability for this job this morning. I'm sometimes way too much of a scatterbrain - not always, just sometimes, and usually just when I DON'T need it to happen.

Anthony however was able to put the Bible into practise and when I'd sent him a text saying that I felt like I was only just keeping my head above water he responded with a Bible verse: "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble." That was so just what I needed to hear.... That I can do it, and to start swimming!

I remembered a little later on (once I felt like I was swimming again - I did have to keep reminding myself, "swim, Jen") that Ant's Xanga blog used to have a header on it saying "Every path has a puddle, every puddle is a chance to walk on water." I never really paid much attention to it but today has got me thinking. This path I'm on has LOADS of puddles. And therefore, so many chances to walk on water and show the awesome power of God in my life!

So, through today's swimming and not drowning, and perhaps even walking on water (have faith, Jen), will it be obvious that it's God being my refuge and strength? Or do I look like I'm just coping? How do other people see me? I do wonder.

oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo oOo

I've also realised that as good as it is to post my feelings on the internet for all and sundry to read, sometimes it's just not appropriate to voice my real thoughts (!) so I have elected to keep a written journal as well... So far, and it's only been in use 3 days, it's been incredibly helpful to me, keeping sane, being able to write down the thoughts that would otherwise try to drown me.

excitement!

I'm going for an advice audition at the RNCM next week - how completely exciting!!!!!!!! Having said that, I did just realise that the only repertoire I can offer them currently are either my own songs, or a piece that I learnt a couple of years ago when I auditioned for the Halle. Or a worship song. That might be interesting....... At least I could do one of them a capella...

help! ... drowning....

i'm drowning in paper!! help........................

Feeling bad...

I feel a tiny bit bad this morning.... I was so exasperated after a particular phonecall a couple of days ago - some poor student had visa issues and I couldn't get a straight answer out of her as to what exactly she needed me to do - but it seems I provided the required information, and she's faxed me a note this morning saying thank-you and how grateful she is to me for helping her!! So I feel a wee bit bad for getting so irritated with her when she was on the phone to me.

Helen says that these students who you help with visa issues quite often bring you thank-you gifts.... so that's just gonna make me feel even more guilty for getting so irritated.......

I know I shouldn't get irritated but the past few days these phonecalls from various people have been making me just want to bang my head on the desk!!!

Update update!

Salary is AOK :o)

New Job Update

Thought I'd write a little update on how my job is going.

The job is all good - I am particularly pleased this morning because I have managed to reply to about 25 emails answering questions and giving advice to various people. The questions just keep coming! I admit I find it a bit frustrating sometimes (already!) because most of the answers I give, I find the information out myself either from the RNCM website or the prospectus. It's hard not to immediately label some people as lazy or hopeless....! But, despite that, I am always nice in my replies!!!

Registration week is progressing fairly smoothly, the only problems (as usual, according to the tales I hear) are blamed on the IT department. I feel sorry for those guys sometimes. Other times not... but as I will never know the full story how can I apportion blame? It's just irritating the little things that go wrong.

So the job is all good.

Here's a little prayer point though if you're reading this.

I received my first payslip through the post recently and my hourly rate is significantly lower than the rate I was told by both the agency and the RNCM. I can't afford to keep this job if I'm being paid that little, and even on the rate I was promised I can't really afford to stay longer than the 3 month initial period - and this job could be on a rolling temporary contract which lasts significantly longer than the initial 3 months.

Please pray that the issue will be resolved - I am a bit annoyed because I was lied to by the agency in the first place. I am sure that this is a job that God has brought me to, so I must believe that God will provide for me and Steve either through a wage increase or a conversion to a permanent job, or through some other means. But it needs to happen soon!!!

Right-brained in love!

You Are Right Brained In Love

Bit of a drama queen Peacemaker, first to end a fight Good at thinking up creative dates Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily Going with your gut instead of your head Emphathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault Good at recognizing patterns in relationships Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart

Are You Right Brained or Left Brained in Love?

I am a....

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless

What Type of Beauty Are You?

I am a.......

You Are a Plain Ole Cup of Joe

But don't think plain - instead think, uncomplicated You're a low maintenance kind of girl... who can hang with the guys Down to earth, easy going, and fun! Yup, that's you: the friend everyone invites. And your dependable too. Both for a laugh and a sympathetic ear.

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Currency of Time

Funny isn't it. This whole thing about not having a job, not having much money, not having any to spare (particularly odd feeling, that) is currently (well, today at any rate) being balanced out by my sudden realisation that I'm very rich in the old currency of Time.

Today I have been able to finish painting the boxroom and the bathroom, spruced up my myspace account (check it out! jenientwistle) which required me to delve into css style sheets (oooooh), decided what I need to do to a couple of songs (couldn't actually do anything, because it would require certain peripherals to be plugged in - which is Steve's job as Official Techie) and spoken to an old friend who I've not spoken to for a long time. And (evidently) I've found time to blog.

I suspect this particular state of affairs can't really go on for ever - I suspect it will have to change once Steve is back at university and can't go fitting kitchens and things every week; but since I'm in the Here and Now (always a good place to be, I think) I suppose I should really make the most of it.

Requests for paintings or icecream anyone?

Honesty (continued)

Yesterday's depression and confusion didn't last that long. I cried a bit, and then with the help of Steve we pulled my emotions back under control and I was able to think clearly again.

God has indeed closed a door, but it wasn't him who slammed it in my face as it closed. Steve pointed out that I'd done a lot of things right, which was evidently annoying somebody else. For example, although I'd gone to the interview on Monday thinking "I don't want this job" (for many reasons), by the time I got there I'd decided that was the wrong attitude to go in with and sorted myself out. The interview was great, and afterwards I was repenting massively for my previous attitude and prejudice, and giving the whole situation to God, with the attitude of "it's up to You now, I'm totally open to suggestion for this job".

When I said during the interview that I didn't know what the future held, I was being honest. There isn't anything in the Bible that says we are allowed to lie, or even to lie by omission. Lying is just wrong, full stop. By my being honest, I was able to help that company choose the right person. So maybe I would have been perfect for the job, but they evidently wanted somebody who could commit long-term. And that wasn't me, fair play to them.

There is a company out there who is looking for me - and if I'm able to stay longer than a year, that's great!

Steve also reminded me that God gives us the power to keep our emotions under control. This doesn't mean we put a mask on, or hide them, but it means we are of sound mind and have self-control. Usually I'm able to control my emotional state, but when something like the phonecall from the agency comes (or worse) it has the opporunity to knock you hard, to shake you, and it's impossible in those situations to remain in control. However, we have the power, aided by the Holy Spirit, to bring our emotions back under control, to be able to look at a situation clearly again, and to keep our trust firmly in God.

Honesty

Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says, "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?

I went for a job interview on Monday (the 3rd job I've been interviewed for so far) for a town planning company. The interview was really good, I knew it was a job that I could do well, the company was interesting, the work sounded interesting, the benefits were great - it sounded really really good (plus it was a good salary, always useful). They said that they would draw up a shortlist of applicants for a second interview and let me know, via the agency.

I've just received the phonecall from the agency and I'm really upset.

I was perfect for the job. Absolutely perfect. I was the person they were looking for. Apart from, I was honest (too honest, according to the agency) by saying that potentially in a year's time we might be looking at relocating, according to where Steve was offered work in his Acoustics profession.

And, that put them off.

So I am torn, really torn.

What am I supposed to do? Lie by omission and then cause bad feeling a year down the line by suddenly announcing that I'm upping and leaving because Steve's been offered a job somewhere else? Do I go into a job purely for my benefit - i.e. not telling them about the fact that it's very likely that I'll only be around for one year? That was what the lady at the job agency told me to do just now.

Or do I go for a job interview thinking, "what can I offer this company" (rather than, "what can this company offer me") and be honest about where I see the future going?

While I was in Finland it was prophesied over me about being purity and truth (not being pure and truthful, but being purity and truth) so I feel I can now hardly go into an interview and lie, even by omission. Besides, to do that would feel so utterly utterly wrong.

I am standing out from the crowd by being honest, and right now it just seems like that has been thrown right back in my face.

I suppose I can consider it an answer to prayer in some way, because we did pray at cell the other week that doors that I was not meant to go through would be closed firmly. It just feels like this one has been closed rather forcefully - slammed in my face, as you might say.
I'm still waiting to hear from Forsyths, who promised me they'd let me know either way early this week. Maybe they're struggling too with the fact that I was honest.

Am I being stupid? Am I being stupid by being honest? Am I being too honest? Am I living as a Christian and living differently to the world around me? Is that going against me? Am I missing something in the Bible that says "be honest, but not when it might cost you a job"? Or is there something that says, "be truthful, but it's okay to lie by omission"?

I know God has promised us blessings, but this "blessing" hurts.

Miracles

It's been a fraught couple of weeks. It's just over 2 weeks since we're been back in the UK.
By Saturday we realised that we desperately needed some kind of financial miracle if we were to stay afloat, and after a few tears of frustration (on my part) we agreed to pray and then not let fear spoil our day. Needless to say, money played on our minds quite a lot during Saturday.

Sunday came and I was still praying for a miracle. However it was great to soak in God's presence during the morning. Kofi spoke about the Holy Spirit in us, and how we should be the same Holy-Spirit-filled people whether we are at church, at home, at work or at the shops. It's so easy to believe on a Sunday, isn't it, when you are surrounded by so much wonderfully infectious and encouraging faith.

I went forward for prayer after Rachel Cole spoke how God was in the business of miracles. God's word to me was that it would happen that day, and then that word was sealed. I had already read my notebook that morning, which reminded me that God already knows all our needs (He wants us to acknowledge His involvement in our lives, and how He is our provider). So, after all that, in faith, we put what money we had left in the collection, having been reminded again of God's faith with regard to giving and receiving.

I struggled so much on Monday morning. I'd not been able to know whether the miracle had happened or not. I didn't know what to think: whether to even wonder if it had happened, just because I couldn't see any evidence of it. Had God provided for us? There was no envelope stuffed full of money on the doorstep when we got up, miraculously left there at the precise instant of our praying; there were no offers of financial gifts or loans. So, had God answered? Had He heard? Was He even there at all? My faith was hanging by a thread, and I couldn't even figure out the right thing to think. Although I knew in my heart that the right thing would be to have faith and believe we were provided for, I couldn't actually bring myself to say it out loud, let alone let myself believe it. I struggled. I felt so alone. I couldn't feel God's comforting presence, but still I hoped.

I had to go out later on in the morning, and on the way home I was still feeling so isolated and lonely. At one point I was even debating with myself whether God was real at all, or if he was just something my mind had created or allowed to exist, something to blame external occurances on just so I wouldn't go insane. Eventually I came to the conclusion that whether or not God was real, I would never be able to escape from Him, because He is such an integral part of my life.

So, having established that God was in fact real and that I agreed with myself about His existence, how could I then reconcile that with the weight on my shoulders about the miracle that was supposed to have happened on Sunday?

And why was it so difficult to get a job this time round? The last few jobs I've had have practically fallen in my lap.

So. After all that angst, Monday started to get better. I chatted to Janet Green (I could FEEL the mental hugs over the phone); discovered that I'm eligible for Jobseekers Allowance (one weight off my shoulders) and discovered that we can have a sort of payment holiday on our mortgate (for which we are currently 2 payments behind...); and I also had a call from Forsyths inviting me back for a 2nd interview. Hurrah!

All in all, I felt like an incredible amount of the weight had gone from my shoulders.

"Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you." I need to write that SO big somewhere.

It was still raining on Tuesday morning. The rain started Saturday evening, and was still going. I stood in the kitchen, wondering at how beautiful everything looked with the rain dripping off branches, and God said to me, "The dry season is over. Now it's going to Rain." It might have been a fairly obvious statement, but I know how God uses where we are to speak directly to us. Our dry season is over. We have been faithful throughout, with our tithes and offerings, whether financial or othewise, and God knows that.

And now it's going to rain blessings.

Yesterday I heard two really good lessons. The first, given by Richard, was along similar lines to something God's been reminding me of over the year - that we should be a God-fearing people. As I walk through my life, it can be really easy for me to chatter away to God about what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, how mad I am at something, how grateful I am for something. Then at other times I could be in the apartment, watching the rain thundering down outside, amazed at God's creation. But to really fear God... that was something that I've not thought about so much. That if I fear my God (our God) to the extent to which He deserves, then the rest of the world really does pale into insignificance. What have I got to fear? My fears are nothing compared to the power of God. I need to remember that more often.

The second lesson was in the evening: I went to Reach (part of the Manchester Vineyard). We were told about how God is a God of the 11th Hour, or the Last Minute. (Or in the case of Lazarus, the 11th hour plus something like 96 more hours, because he'd been dead 4 days already.) How often has God provided at the last minute? The examples we were given (to name but a few) were Abraham being provided with a ram at the last minute (knife poised), the widow being provided with oil and flour as she was preparing her last meal, Lazarus being raised from the dead. The point of these illustrations was to show that God wants the world to see His power. It's for His glory. If we only need a little, He can only give a little. If we need a lot, He can give so much more abundantly and so much more obviously - and the glory goes to Him!

The God of the Last Minute, our awesome God, a God to be feared and revered.

My God is with me always, He has promised me that. There are so many testimonies I can give to that, and my prayer is that I continue to grow in that promise - that I never forget that He is with me, and I start remembering to ask the question: do you want to give your life to Jesus?

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Coming home has been a bit weird, and not at all how I expected it to be. I was expecting to feel odd and sort of disconnected, as if I didn't really belong here. I was expecting to feel really out of place and lost and swamped at Kings Church. I was expecting my house to feel like it belonged to somebody else, and that I would feel a little uncomfortable being there.

So many negative expectations... and I repent! I'm sorry!

I have already had to rebuke myself for being lazy - yesterday the old habit to get the number 11 bus back from the forum to my house was so strong I didn't even think about it. And as I stood at the bus stop waiting, I rebuked myself for being lazy and walked home (and beat the bus). One day back in Wythenshawe, and I was so nearly back in the old habitual ways of being lazy.

Makes me wonder if there's something that needs praying about specifically, a spirit of laziness in this area. That's something to think about if you're reading this, and definitely something to pray about.

Back to the negative expectations. Looking back, I'm wondering what I was thinking. I get the feeling that some of it at least was real. It's made me really notice and appreciate so much more the feeling of belonging and being home. I have not felt odd and disconnected, in fact something one person said to me was that I fitted in so naturally. Somebody else said that I looked so confident, so secure in who I am (and who I am within my marriage, because it was in the context of me being at church without Steve).

I have not felt lost and swamped at Kings Church! I have been hugged by so many people over the course of the weekend, been able to talk to so many, renewed a lot of connections and really feel like I have come home. To be able to just let go of me and lose myself in praise on sunday morning was just what I needed. And it was wonderful, to feel God moving in me and enjoying this adoration as much as I was. I was so thankful, so grateful, that God had brought me home.

Incredibly (and I was really not expecting this) my house feels like I could move back in today. It was tempting to stay there last night after being in the house all day, but there's still a lot of my things still at mum and dad's house so I sensibly went back to their place! (Big thankyou to the girls - Ee-Reh, Becky and Vicky, who have looked after our house really well!)

When we left to go to Finland last July, I was so tired - I really needed some peace and quiet, some place to reflect and to meditate and to live peacefully for a time. I believe that it's completely in line with God's ways of teaching us and leading us, that for a time we need the incredible atmosphere that I associate with Kings, and to be able to completely let go of ourselves and lose ourselves in worship and adoration of God; but sometimes God knows that we need quietness in our lives, to be able to reflect more and learn on a one-on-one basis of who He is. And I feel extremely priviledged to have been selected for that one-on-one teaching and leading. I feel like I have grown more as a daughter in God this past year than I have any other single year that I can remember. And now I'm here in Manchester, and ready for Year 2 of being in God's Training School!!

Praise God for His faithfulness. His mercies are new every morning, so great is His faithfulness.

Sprucing up a CV

I applied for a job today. It took many many hours to spruce up the old CV which had lain forgotten in some dismal part of my computer's filing system since October last year, and then another hour and a half to cobble together a covering letter sounding convincing enough. I have major problems with CVs and covering letters, mainly along the lines of the whole "blowing my own trumpet". I pondered this to Steve, saying that if this was th job God wanted me to have, the one He's prepared for me etc etc, then surely I'm being a bit superlative by bigging myself up? To which Steve responded, we need to "big ourselves up" sometimes just to portray a more accurate picture of ourselves, because most of the time we play ourselves down quite a lot, in some form of trying to be more "humble". But going for a job, you need to be honest - which is a very fine line between being "humble" and being "proud". Or maybe true humbleness is just honesty of who you are and knowing your limits.

pictures

we watched this being carved this morning in the square, there was quite a racket... i have more pictures, but for some reason only this one made it here!

here's some more pictures from the past month or so... here we have the lake as it thawed;

and when the circus came to town we went on this ride and i screamed and screamed;

here's steve's mum and dad;

and an incredible sunset from the other night.

enjoy!

this was.... one balloon popped