Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Frustrated

I can't remember the last time I felt really really angry, and needed to sit very quietly for a few minutes to calm down. I think the frustration builds up over the course of several encounters with whoever or whatever it is that winds me up. Today, it is the incompetence of BT. Got a bill through, with our surname spelt ENTHWHISTLE. I've spent the last 3 months trying to get them to change it. I've spent the last 3 months being told that yes, it's been changed now. AARGH. And, just to make it slightly harder for me to remain civil, the number that the back of the bill says to phone if you have a complaint (or for any other reason) was not the right one. Oh no, you've got a "GB" account, they've been set up on the new computer system. (Alarm bells. New computer system? Ah. That will be why we've had 3 months of incompetence. Nobody knows how to use it evidently.) You have to phone this other number (which, by the way, is nowhere to be found on the bill) because we can't access your account from the main system.

I'm beginning to think that we are guinea pigs. I am not impressed. I did not agree to take part in the trial of a new system. Perhaps if I had been told, I would have been slightly more patient, and slightly more insistent. It normally takes me 2 weeks to psyche myself up to phone BT because of the incompetence and difficulty that I have experienced EVERY SINGLE TIME I've had to phone them.

Staying on the subject of frustration, we're still waiting for the house sale to finalise. When we signed the agreement with the estate agents, they were so confident of a sale before Christmas. When everything slowed down they managed to get us to drop our asking price by £10k, and then got us to accept a very cheeky offer for a further £10k under that. The only reason we accepted that offer was because "it's a cash offer, you could complete in 2 weeks". Still waiting. Getting annoying, and a bit desperate, now. We can't afford to pay mortage, rent, car rental, bills, and live. Can't buy a car because nobody will lend us the money because we're high risk - new job, renting - so we're hiring one, so that we can get to and from Manchester to sort out the house and also because we are actually in the middle of nowhere. It's so FRUSTRATING just sitting here, knowing that soon we'll be able to pay off all the debts, buy a car that's hopefully not going to blow its head gasket within 2 months of buying it, get out of the rat-race for a little while and be able to start looking to the future. Soon. Not yet. Slowly sinking, again.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Stunned!

Ok. So we had Jeni goes Fat Free, and we had the one where I managed to hi-jack myself into going to the gym. You would've thought that this would be ever-so-slightly conducive to losing weight (not that that was the plan at all, because I would've been told off). So. I go to the hospital yesterday to see the diabetic specialist (who has sent me for expensive blood tests to see what type of diabetic I am exactly) and am measured and weighed, and I am stunned.

I have somehow managed, in the last couple of months, to PUT ON nearly three-quarters of a stone in weight, grow an inch and a half, and can actually get into my size 10 trousers again. (I've been in 12's for a few years now.)

WHAT IS GOING ON?!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Sugar Frustrated

Steve's been on a first aid course this week, with the St Jonh's Ambulance, through work. The other day they briefly covered diabetics and what to do if they appear to be slipping into unconsciousness due to hyper- or hypo- glycaemia. The two are opposite ends of the scale although they look pretty similar to the average onlooker: cranky and drowsy generally. Same treatment - give them sugar (marmalade sandwich is good) and get them to hospital. The worst that could happen after this is they fall into coma. Omit the marmalade sandwich and it could be much worse.

Anyway. I was not well last night. I was hungry so I had a slice of toast, a bun, a small chocolate, and a J2O. Fabulous combination. Combined to make me feel generally shivery and sleepy and headachy. Steve made me do a blood test. (Oh yes and I'd forgotten to take my pill in the morning as well.) It came back 15.1 which is pretty high for me - at least I think it is - I don't test as often as I should - but I was ok again after dinner.

Then Steve made me promise to do 5 blood tests during the course of today. I hate doing the tests, I have to psyche myself up before every single prick of the needle. And it really is only a pin-prick and rarely hurts. I've done 4 so far and they have made me feel guilty every time I go towards the biscuit jar or even so much as LOOK at the J2O that I opened an hour and a half ago. It's miserable. It's necessary because I need to know what my blood sugar is like over the course of an average day, but it's so miserable - and not really accurate due to the amount of biscuits I'm NOT eating.

I like biscuits. They provide me with break options during the day, when I just can't bring myself to do the washing or the washing up just yet, when there's not enough time to start anything before I have to go out, when there's a cup of tea and the sudoku needing company. I don't know what to eat instead of biscuits. Crisps are full of fat and salt and therefore bad. Toast. There's an option. Except it has to have butter and marmalade on, and it's just too much effort to have when there's a biscuit alternative. And biscuits are getting nicer and nicer, have you noticed? They're all so nice...

And all the while, the phrase comes back to haunt me... "You're not hungry, you're BORED."

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Cardboard Cut-Out

I'm confused by my predicament. I want to be honest in how I feel, but sometimes honesty is met by other people who seem to want to insist that you deny how you really feel. I feel cut out. A bit like a cardboard cut-out of a character, who can look at home in any one of a hundred different pieces of scenery, but who doesn't actually belong in any of them. That is how I feel this morning.

I don't think facebook is really helping with that - thing is, I can see all the people who I used to be connected with, and I can see them all interacting with all the other people that I used to be connected with, but I'm not in that. All these conversations that would otherwise be private are now open for all to see. Everybody in my contact list in facebook lives far far away from me, and so I feel almost legitimate in my use of the thing... although, I could send emails or texts or phone people or (gasp) write letters.

It just seems so superficial. I don't want to be a superficial person. I want to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you happy or sad, I want to get to know you. I want to keep in touch, to know where you're up to, to know how you're doing. I keep thinking about all these people who I never really got to know, despite knowing them for years, and am ashamed of my superficiality. Getting involved in a hundred different things shouldn't replace real relationships with people. It should aid relationship building, not replace it.

We went to our cell meeting again last night, and spent all evening fielding questions about who we were and where we're from and why we've moved to the South. Next week we'll start finding out more about the people who were asking all the questions... I don't want to be a cardboard cut-out here. I want to belong, to become part of the picture, to become interwoven into the life of my Family.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Words of Wisdom via Magnetic Letters

God just spoke to me through the magnetic letters I have on our fridge. Nothing huge, or lengthy, but pretty simple really. I'm constantly having to put the letters back into place, because the fridge, and therefore the letters, are in just the right place to be leant on while I'm making breakfast or a cup of tea or rock buns in this case. The words say "we trust in a faithful God" and nearly every day I have to put them back into position and God said to me just now that everyday I should be making sure that my faith is in the right place, aligning the bits that have got knocked out of the way, putting things in my life right again as soon as I notice they're knocked out of place.
I love our God.

First Night - Romans 8:28-31

We went to our first cell meeting last night with Jubilee. Met some characters. Met some family :) I felt so privileged to be part of God's family, that I can go anywhere and I will find members of that family. I felt at home.

The subject of the main discussion was Romans 8, 28-31. God works in all things for the good of those who love him, and God foreknew us, predestined us, called us, justified us, and will glorify us. Although it does say he glorified us, but the thinking is that Paul wrote it in the past tense because it was as good as if it had already happened, what with the previous four things having happened already.

We didn't get very far very quickly. First hurdle was "predestined" and various thoughts on that, and various interpretations of it. We discovered a very opinionated couple in the cell! Very lovely, but quite forceful in their ideas. Could be interesting. After that it was plain sailing apart from everything changed depending on your interpretation or views on predestination. Chosen vs choose?

My own conclusion is this. The Israelites were a chosen people, set apart for God. They lived under the Law, which as Paul pointed out was flawed and for which the people needed constant atonement through imperfect sacrifices. God gave the world his Son, who died as the perfect sacrifice to end all sacrifices. Grace came into the world, and the way to the Father and eternal life, through Jesus, was made available to all humanity, not just the Israelites. So God's chosen people now isn't a "race" of people as such. We are free (as God gave us free will right in the beginning) to choose whether or not we accept his call. The pull of the Gospel is inexorable as we are created with that God-shaped hole in our soul, but we are still free to choose. We choose, we are accepted, and we are adopted into God's family. God didn't want mindless robots. He has angels who constantly adore him and praise him, and if humans didn't then the rocks themselves would cry out in praise. He wants a people who of their own free will choose to be friends of God, and choose to submit to His will and authority.

The next major question we debated is, can you lose your salvation? We debated for some time on this one. But I kept thinking, and my opinion is that you don't "lose" salvation, you don't suddenly realise that you've misplaced it somewhere. It's more like you throw it away. If you have been saved, and you then turn your back on God, are you suddenly "un-saved"? I think that if you died when your back is turned towards God, you might have a hard time persuading the saints to let you into heaven. If you've been saved but then you've turned away from God and are far away, but then you turn back, no matter how far away you are God comes towards you with open arms - he's been waiting all this time to welcome you home.

My point is that if you turn away from God, I think God would honour the choice you made. I just don't think He would exercise his power and authority if you died to say well, I saved you, you made a commitment 15 years ago, and yes you've had your back towards me for the past 10 years, but hey I'm still taking you to heaven whether that's what you want or not. I just don't think God's like that. I think if you turned back to God on your deathbed he would welcome you with open arms. But if your back is still towards him, you've made your decision also. I think God would be - inconsolable comes to mind.